Come to the conclusion that it DH who is the problem - time to call it a day

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I've been with DH for 17 years and married for 6 (we waited until our six kids (3 each) were adults before committing. This was mostly my decision, because I always found his 3 SS hard work - very immature. I thought that now they are grown - 30, 25 and 22 life would be easier. My three (DD and 2 DS) are all independent with good jobs and their own homes. Three SS all live either with us or their BM only the 25 year old has a job (working for DH - and only puts in about 20 hours a week) and DH still gives them all pocket money :jawdrop: .

I posted on here before last year, because DH thought it was acceptable to stay at BM house to visit his grown sons - we very nearly split over that, but finally agreed boundaries.

Now we are arguing constantly again. Since last summer, I have tried to completely disengage from all SS and their girlfriends who are blatantly rude to me in a very subtle way. For example, last year it was my 50th. DH had spent 6 months organising a surprise party, but two days before, they all announced that they weren't coming because they were going to a party with their Step dad. DH was really upset, but made loads of excuses as to why they needed to be at the other party. Not one of them brought me a birthday card - DH claims that this shouldn't be a problem - why should they send a card? I also paid for all 3 of his grown up boys and their 3 girlfriends, together with my 3 kids and their partners to come on holiday with us to Turkey for a week to celebrate my birthday. They all turned up, but insisted on doing their own thing for the entire week. Consequently DH was torn between spending days and meals out with them, or joining me and my kids. The whole holiday ended up being split with me spending time with my family and DH spending time with his. After, I got lovely thank you cards for the holiday from my son's girlfriends, but nothing at all from any of his boys or their girlfriends.

I know it shouldn't, but the whole thing still really hurts. SS's and their gf's are constantly staying at our house for weekends, and when they are all here, DH pretty much ignores me, organising expensive outings for them all and not inviting me (he says I wouldn't enjoy it as we don't get on). I'm generally left cooking a meal for them to eat when they return and then given the cold shoulder chatting and giggling and totally ignoring me.

I am beginning to see that it is actually DH who is causing and enabling this whole situation. Since we have been together, I have insisted that my kids treat DH with respect and have always included him in everything we do as a family. However, with his kids, he goes out of his way to not involve me in anything - and consequently the message that they have is that I am totally unimportant.

I spoke to my daughter today who is 27 and a lawyer. She said that she feels this situation will only get worse. As his sons marry and have children, she thinks that I will be excluded more and more. It's taken a long time to get to this point - i have truly loved DH and we have had a fantastic life together when his kids aren't around. But I can't see a future for us as a couple. I'm very scared by my decision - but I have two estate agents coming to value the house and am ending this farce.

Is there a better life after messy, complicated marriages? I would love a bit of inspiration!!!

I think there will be a

I think there will be a better life for you and a better partnership, one that you are actually a part of.

Your daughter is right, it will only get worse when the sons marry and there are grandchildren.

My DH has said he never has

My DH has said he never has to see BM again once skids are 18. Ha Ha. I told him I guess he plans on missing grandkids birthdays, Christmas, school events. It never ends.

I don't want the kids to feel

I don't want the kids to feel like they have to keep their parents separate their whole lives, but if it happens that way, I will be a okay with it.

I can tell you from

I can tell you from experience that there is a happy peaceful life after middle age divorce. The second divorce was actually much easier to get over emotionally than the first one. Your DH will NOT change. ever. and you cannot make him. The only decision you can make is when you have had enough.

Stop cooking meals for them in the meantime. Stop doing anything for them.

This mess never goes away,

This mess never goes away, you are doing the right thing' good luck to your husband finding another woman who will embrace this horrific treatment. You can bet they will like the next woman, even less than you....Bitter people never change.

I am curious.. you do realize

I am curious.. you do realize your DH's part in all this.. but have you had a direct conversation with him about how you need for things to change?

Have you said to him.. when your kids are around, you allow me to be pushed to the side. You plan things to do with them and I am not invited. You claim that is because we "don't get on" but you do nothing to encourage your kids to behave respectfully towards me.

For example, cards for birthdays.. some families are better than others on this stuff. My DH buys NO ONE a card. No valentines day missive for me. Christmas cards only go out the few times that I take charge.. and sometimes I just don't have time.. or desire..lol. These aren't your kid.. sure it would be nice to be acknowledged but hey.. sometimes people are wrapped up in themselves.. young millennials especially.

The trip should have brought a thank you. Did the kids realize YOU paid? or did they think their dad did? I know I verbally thank my dad for stuff, but don't send him a thank you card. Maybe they are still of the mindset that kids don't have to formally thank their parents? The GF's probably should have known better.. but hey.. maybe they were raised in a barn.

Their behavior on the trip was boorish. I do understand their desire to do some things they considered fun instead of what you might have had planned. However, you DH shouldn't have done EVERYTHING with them instead of you. I don't see any problem with people doing their own things on trips.. though it is expected there will be a few things done as the bigger group.

It is rude for your husband to allow them to visit constantly and plan things that you will not be included in. However, is this once a month.. every other week.. every other month? I wouldn't mind if once a month my DH did stuff with his kids.. I could plan stuff with my own family and friends.

I guess I don't know how much these kids really will be a factor in the future as they get older.. have families of their own and maybe won't have time for dad like they do now. Do you think some counseling would be possible before throwing in the towel?

There is a MAGNIFICENT life

There is a MAGNIFICENT life waiting for you Snapdragon, and the world is out there waiting to embrace you when you are ready. Embrace it back without fear, and know that you are doing the absolute right thing.
Good luck and keep us posted!

I divorced my DH at age 52

I divorced my DH at age 52 after 29 years for a very similar reason. Of course it hurts like the devil, and you may question your decision frequently in the ensuing time, while you haven't yet gotten your "new" life under way yet. However, stay firm and move forward, because you know it is the right thing for YOU.

I would say, take some time out and plan, plan, plan. What will that life look like? Are you going to go no contact? Where will you live, and what work will you do? Can you get away from these people geographically? Once you leave, you cannot go back, so be sure.

Your own children will be a comfort in your sadness, but make sure you don't depend on them emotionally. Being strong includes not crying on their shoulders. Celebrate your freedom, feel gratitude, and treat yourself well. Ther is no easy way to leave a long relationship, no,matter how justified the decision is.

I am sevn years out now from that spllit, and I do not regret it. I have times when I look back and feel sad, but I still think I did the right thing to call time on the marriage.

It will be a glorious

It will be a glorious hallelujah when you shed this situation for good. Your dh does not respect you as a person. You're some kind of adornment off to the corner of his main life which is the 3 boys. An adornment with a generous wallet, I might add.

I remember your post from before about the weekend at bm's. You could have left him then, the way he handled that. It was outrageous.

The thing that has caused your decision is not that you are are annoyed or hurt as we all are in family life at times. The thing that has caused your decision is that being treated like a non-person over time is like acid dripping on your mental health. You cannot take another 20 years of that and you know it.

You will blossom when you no longer have to hunch your shoulders and shrink yourself into the smallest, faintest bit manageable. You're gonna do great!

oh Snappy... finally you see

oh Snappy... finally you see the light, and your daughter is a lawyer... why wait any longer,
there's a whole new world awaiting for you out side this.... start living it Hon and good luck...

Yes, you have a woosie

Yes, you have a woosie dadeee....he is 100% the problem, but no longer for you if you want a dramatic change in your life. It is one thing to decide to exclude yourself and quite another for HIM to exclude his wife.

I would want out of this too.... retain your daughter.and enjoy being included (as you might like), in future relationships..: -)

"...he has been busy for

"...he has been busy for years excluding you from his life, you're merely making it official."

Wow. So, so well said. Awesome.

Esmod asked the questions

Esmod asked the questions below and Sueu2 also said she would like to know my answers – so here goes:

I am curious.. you do realize your DH's part in all this.. but have you had a direct conversation with him about how you need for things to change?

• I have tried to talk to him but he just gets all defensive and starts throwing accusations at me. I actually wrote him a long letter explaining how I feel – but he hasn’t responded.

• I have said that I feel like I don’t belong in my own home when they are around – again he thinks it’s all in my head. His boys are quite clever too – they are always very polite when DH is around, thanking me for food etc – but as soon as he is out of the room they give me the cold shoulder.

There is also the matter of being able to decide what is an "issue" and what is an annoyance. As in.. how do you set your expectations. You can't change people's actions, but you can change your response to them.
For example, cards for birthdays.. some families are better than others on this stuff. My DH buys NO ONE a card. No valentines day missive for me. Christmas cards only go out the few times that I take charge.. and sometimes I just don't have time.. or desire..lol. These aren't your kid.. sure it would be nice to be acknowledged but hey.. sometimes people are wrapped up in themselves.. young millennials especially.

• I suppose it hurts that they don’t bother to send me cards because I know that they go out of their way to buy presents and cards for their mum and stepdad and also DH. DH pretends its not happening by buying cards himself and giving them to me saying that they are from them.

• Actually – I don’t know if they realised that I paid for it. I organised the holiday and invited them all – they may have thought that both DH and I paid for it.

• We had agreed that on some days we would all do our own thing. However, they decided that they didn’t want to do anything with us a group. We were 7 couples – none of his boys or my kids would have wanted to go out for a day or activity without their own partners – I felt that it was unreasonable that I had to spend a large part of my holiday without DH.

• It is now only once a month. At one point his eldest and his girlfriend were staying with us for three or four days every week – but I put my foot down and said that it was too much. Told DH that his son was welcome to stay anytime – but his girlfriend would only be welcome once a month. SS won’t come without her – so that sorted that problem.

• It’s frustrating because I have asked DH to go to counselling with me, but he refuses. Apparently he and his first wife tried it and he felt it was like airing his dirty laundry in public.

I would be interested to know why Sueu2 thinks I’m making a big mistake?

So here is my experience. I

So here is my experience.

I married a man with two adult Sds. ODS, upon hearing we were to be married asked, 'what about me?". Our marriage had many arugments about the Sds. Anything from when I requested that they were both invited for hoidays (the two SDs refused to be in the same room together at the time) becasuse I did not want to do the work for 3 or 4 christmas celebrations...I was tod, "no one tells me I cannot see my daughters on holidays".

we divorced last year. Are still friends.

This past crhistmas, both ex Sds had other plans and he was left alone.

we just had an argument. A friend invited us both out in a couple of weeks from now. Unbeknownst to me, that day is younger SDs bday. She is married. we just had an argument becuase despite me forwarding him an email then talking about it in person...he apparently did not realize he was invited. Of course, he HAD to find out if youngest SD was planning to spend her B day with him. (Of course, she is spending it with her husband). Cue argument and him storming out after I pointed out that why would he even think she would be available that night.

It NEVER changes in guilty daddy land.

"I was told, "no one tells me

"I was told, "no one tells me I cannot see my daughters on holidays".

And that's not what you said at all. What an arse.

"This past crhistmas, both ex Sds had other plans and he was left alone." Karma

Hmm...now that you're out of the picture the SD's aren't vying for DH's attention.