Validation
In order to maintain my sanity, I have significantly disengaged from Sd15 and sd16. We had a blow out about a month and half ago and I still have not talked to sd16, we have them eow. I get this notification on my phone around 1am, sd16 tagged me in a post on fb. I do not follow either because I do not care what they are doing or interested in. I read the post, it is a group picture with a couple friends and a message thanking friends parents (by name), bm, step dad,and dh for all they do for them. Dh does not have a fb and I do not share mine will with him. I was not mentioned at all. I did a lot for them prior to this past winter, for sanity I had to stop. They are abusers.I hid the post from my timeline and will pretend I never saw it. I think instances like this push me further away from dh and make me want to live a different life then the one I have. I have no desire to be intimate with him and since probably January, I rarely go in public with him anymore. I have started hiding money in preparation to leave, I try to tell myself everyday it will get better but reading posts, I can't see it. I want to be loved and respected, the same I gave out but can no longer do.
That was a nasty thing for
That was a nasty thing for your SD to do - clearly she was deliberately trying to hurt you. Yes don't give her the reaction she wants, ignore
Sorry you're going through this, can you and your husband work this out/talk?
Dh never gets upset, so he
Dh never gets upset, so he rarely gets bothered by the drama. I told him in February I was leaving due to his kids lack of respect and he begged me to stay, stood up for me towards them, which he never has, and told me we have two more years and SD16 will be gone, hang in there, we can do it.then scrap like this happens and I ask myself why, why do I stay and endure this, dang it, I am a good person! Should I show him the post and let him know how I feel? I get it, I have disengaged but I feel what they did was terrible!
I wish I could delete mine
I wish I could delete mine but so much of school sports and activities for dd are posted on there. I can't keep up if I do not have one.
Updates are only posted on
Updates are only posted on Facebook. It is stupid!
simply block the SD's... to
simply block the SD's... to them it will look like you've deleted your profile and that's the story you stick to
You have to make your own
You have to make your own decision and do what works for you. Some women can separate out SKs from their husband, and view themselves as pretty much only their DH’s wife, so they don’t need any validation from SKs, and are fine releasing that relationship all together and just focusing on SM and DH being a couple. So, they only go places where they are treated like a couple, or go to places having each other’s back and know they are both going to treat each other 100% like the couple they are, regardless, and who gives a damn what anyone else wants or thinks.
This is where I always think the term dad’s wife is better, because you are dad’s wife and you are not a competitor with mom. It is your and dad’s home, there are rules at your home with DH for the SKs, etc. Contrary to what some think, SM is generally not trying to one-up mom at all. Most SMs don’t want anything to do with BM and just want to be left in peace with their husband, and would be perfectly fine letting DH take the lead when the kids come over. Most SMs want what any other married couple wants—to be respected and treated like a married couple.
Anyway, something to explore. For me, it took a while, but now my philosophy is: My husband is my husband is my husband, and if you can’t handle it, FO. I don’t need my SKs nor anyone else to validate my marriage. And, if you think I’m going to go around literally acting like DH’s sloppy seconds at events, then I won’t be attending. Might sound like a dream to some, but more than likely, DH/dad isn’t going to be attending either. Because, newsflash!, like most men, he wants to hang out with his wife and would rather kiss a toad than hang out with his ex-, regardless if the kids and GKs are going to be there too.
I had a major blowout in
I had a major blowout in October 2016 (a few months ago) with Winona SD18 (she just turned, she was 17), and it was the most horrible thing. However, it was the one time that I did not cry about. Because we had previously had several others. But this time was inexcusable. I have tried to tell SO that it was a bad thing that she did, that I am his partner in life, there needs to be apologies, discussions, repercussions - something at least. But no repercussions happened, nothing was done. Plus, there was no remorse on her side, not at all. And she lied about the horrible things she said, told BM that I had said horrible things to her, while the truth was I had sat there silently, while she berated and yelled, and verbally/emotionally abused me. In every way she knew how. One night - pushed every single button, plus tried some new ones, just for a kick.
And I disengaged. She has an idea that I disengaged, and has been snotty to me - ignored me, not acknowledged me in my own home, deliberately talked about me in front of my like I am not there, plus a host of other more subtle things.
So I am there with you on that making alternative plans trip. Create an avenue of escape. Read about others experiences here. Do not let yourself become stuck and sad, be strong, because you know you are doing the right things.
The problems that I have might be similar to yours, and mine are similar to others. Everyone explained away Winona's behavior "she is a TEENAGER, what do you expect?" Like expecting someone to not scream and yell at their parents ALL THE TIME is too much. Like feeling that it is wrong to treat youngest sibling horribly, and well, shes just a TEENAGER, what else can you expect? No job? Oh well shes just a teenager, and anyway, jobs that she wants aren't hiring under 18. Oh, and shes just a teenager, so if shes mean to you, lies constantly, well, at least shes not on drugs, partying, and getting pregnant. Because, you know, shes just a teenager, and YOU are the adult.
However, narcissitic, selfish, mean, "morally challenged" teenagers, many times become narcissistic, selfish, mean, morally challenged adults.
Ok, rant over. You need to do for you, and disengaging does carry that stigma of having to separate yourself from a part of DH's life. They will always be his children, and his family. You will know what the best thing to do is, at the right time. It sounds like you already do.