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Co-Parenting Issues

Lisa120eta's picture
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Hi everyone,
It's been a while since I posted on here but I need some advice regarding my SD. My BF was suppose to start visitation today. His son came but his daughter cried and begged her mom not to stay. After a -0 minute discussion BF ex came up and said she wants to hear from you why she can't go with me. Of course the answer to this is because it's her dads time to visit but I ended up saying she can go with you just drop her off tomorrow. I'm sure there are parents on here that have delt with the same issue. How have you handled it? Quick back story. SD is 9 and says her dad is mean to her cause he makes her make a lunch, brush her teeth, shower before bed, go to bed at a decent time and get up in time for school. She has no real structure at her mothers house which causes issues when she is with us. What do we do?

Lisa120eta's picture

Yes. He was home. But the ex dropped the kids off and my SD has a really tough time when she drops them off. Normally what we do is pick them up straight from school but she had volunteered in SDs class that day. The Ex knows that this causes probalems with SD but does it anyway as she feels she has the right to spend time at SDs school even though it causes issues. Of course she has the right to be at her school I just wish she would be more considerate of how it impacts my SD.

Lisa120eta's picture

Hi Lupa,
Thank you for the comment. We are suppose to pick the kids up from school but her mother was volunteering that day. I think it is amazing that she is so involved with stuff like that but it makes things harder for DD during change over. It would have been perfect if her mom would have left before school got out that way we could have went and got her. Idk what the conversation was with her mom and my SO but it needed up being that her mom dropped her off. You are correct, it makes things very difficult when you are the only set of parents who have any structure at your house. What would you do if you were in our shoes? How do we address this with their mother? I of course don't want to get in the way of her mom helping at her school. I think it's wonderful that she is able to do that. I just know how much easier and happier my SD is when she has visitation with us and we pick her up instead of getting her from her mom.

Lisa120eta's picture

Yes he was home. I normally don't say a word and let them deal with things. Only reason I said anything this time is because we were outside painting the house and SD was causing a scene in the driveway. A bunch of our neighbors were out so instead of causing a scene I told her to go with her mom. My SO normally does exactly what you said. She remains upset for a little while then she gets over it. I agree that a 9 year old is being allowed to control her visitation. That's why I am here looking for advice. I know I didn't go into a lot of the history with the situation but trust me. I DO stay out of it as I know it's not my place. What I won't do however is stand in my driveway with my neighbors out and have her cause a scene. Do you have any other advice that may help the situation other than to tell me to stay out of it?

Lisa120eta's picture

I just wanted to address one more thing in your comment. You state "The child isn't your". That is incorrect, she is mine. I may not have given birth to her but she is my daughter and I treat her as such. She and I have a wonderful relationship. the majority of time I pick her up from school when we start our visitation because her school is so close onto we're I work and it doesn't make sense to have my SO drive 45 minutes to her when I am so close. I feel like I should mention that I have a great relationship with both his kids and I have a good relationship with his ex. There is no anger on animosity between me and his kids of his ex.

Lisa120eta's picture

Agree to disagree. As long as her dad and I are together (which will be till we die) I'm going to view her as my daughter and treat her as auch.

Lisa120eta's picture

Why would you think that I would EVER put her in a situation to where she would feel she has to chose? I have a daughter of my own and I know full well what a mother daughter relationship entails. I would expect nothing less than my SD to chose her BM every time.

Lisa120eta's picture

Well thankfully my SO and ex don't drag each other to family court. The only time they have been to court is when they got divorced. Everything that has changed since the divorce i.e custody, they have settled between themselves outside of court. I've espalined many times in my previous posts that my SO and his ex don't have a horrible relationship. They are things that he wishes were a little different but it is what it is.

Lisa120eta's picture

Has it ever occurred to any of you that my SO ex likes that I love her children like my own and has told me so? My SO was was deployed for a year and guess who brought the kids over to me on a regular basis because they still wanted to spend time with me while their dad was gone? That's right, their BM. I keep trying to explain that we do not have a bad relationship and that we get along. I'm just merely looking for advice on how to make my SDs transitions easier as she is very attached to her mother. I don't need all the negative talk about how I need to not overstep and I need to know my place and act like I don't exist when my SOS ex is around. We're all adults and act as such.

Lisa120eta's picture

Why are you being so rude? I'm aware that I am not her birth mother and that I will never come close to being as important to her as her Birth mother. I also understand that she's attached to her mom, most kids are. Why are you even posting on my comment if you don't have anything positive to add? You realize that you are being rude because I said that I love my SD as if she were my own child. Heaven forbid! Quick someone grab the tar and feathers. Why does it offend you so that I love her and want her to be happy when she comes to stay with us?

Disneyfan's picture

"The Ex knows that this causes probalems with SD but does it anyway as she feels she has the right to spend time at SDs school even though it causes issues."

Mom and the teachers should not have to alter their volunteering schedule just to accommodate dad's refusal/inability to stop allowing a 9 year old to dictate the visitation schedule.

Dad should have marchef his ass out there and told Little Miss 9 Year Old to get her tail in the house.

So what if ehe cries. The more you cry, the less you piss.

Lisa120eta's picture

I understand that, I said basically the same thing in my post. My SO does not allow her to dictate visitation. If you read my post it was me who told her to go with her mom. Normally my SO makes her come inside and doesn't allow her to go with her mom even if she gets upset. As I mentioned to another commenter, the only reason I said anything is because we were in the driveway and our neighbors were outside and she was causing a scene. What I'm trying to get advice on is how we can make the change overs less stressful for my SD. I understand she is 9 and should not be allowed to dictate when she comes to see us. There is a schedule and she needs to follow it. I am aware of all that. What I am looking for are things that others have tried and had success with in making the change overs go smoothly. My SO is a wonderful father and I hate to see him hurt when his daughter cried and begs to go with her mother. As I stated in my original post it is silly stuff that she gets upset about. So what advice do you have to help with that? Have you gone through a similar scinario?

Lisa120eta's picture

Nope. I haven't refuted every piece of advice if you look back through you will see that multiple times I've told posters that I would use their suggestions. What I am looking for is advice on how to help my SD take the transitions easier. Most of the advice that I have gotten so far has been people telling me to butt out and shut my mouth. I've explained that one time and one time only have we allowed her to get her way and go with her mother. My SO hmdoes what you all have suggested by not letting her get her way and just brining her inside. Again, what I am looking for is advice or tips on how we can make it to where she doesn't feel the need to have fits when she comes over. Maybe it's just something we have to wait out? Maybe it's something that will come with age? Do you have Step kids or are you a BM? If you are a step parent what have you done and tried to make transitions easier and how did the kids respond? I think I've made it very clear that I think it's wonderful that my SDs BM spends time at her school so no I am not looking for someone to say she is "naughty" for doing it. I do like your suggestion of laughing it off and saying she needs a nap if she does this outside again. I think that's a great suggestion. Thank you.

Lisa120eta's picture

I really don't mean it to come off as I am refuting the advice I am getting on here. The point I am trying to get across is that my SO does a wonderful job at calming her down and does all of the things that you all have suggested on a Consistent basis and it still doesn't stop my SD from being upset during change over.

Lisa120eta's picture

You're right Echo, I should have just walked inside and let him deal with it as he normally does. It's just so frustrating because she has no legit reason for not wanting to come here. It's not like we are mean to her and doesn't have fun when she is here because she does. One of the things I realized last night with SS help is that part of the reason she has a tough time especially at night is because her and BM still sleep in the same bed so she misses that closeness with her mom when she is with us.

Lisa120eta's picture

Thank you for your comment. Can you clarify what you meant by parent by "fee fees"? I like your advice on how my SO should scoop her up love on her and close the door. I'll have to pass that along to him. Idk why her mother walks them to the door. I agree with you that they are both old enough to just get out of the car and come to the door themselves. That's what should be happening but their mom likes to love on her when she says goodbye. That probably doesn't make things easier for SD to say goodbye but I understand her wanting to love on the kids as she won't see them for a week. Yes normally SD goes to her room, pouts for a few minutes then she is fine. I agree that a 9 year old who is going to be 10 soon shouldn't be babied, and we don't baby her. Her mother on the other hand still sleeps with her, showers with her and gives in when she pouts or has little fits. I think I would be tremendously helpful is their mother would be the one to say "It's your dads time with you, end of story" and left but she won't do that. Thank you again for your advice. SF is suppose to be dropped off today so I will have him do what you recommend and see if that helps.

Lisa120eta's picture

Thank you for the clarification. I normally do stay out of things as it's easier that way. My SO tells me the same thing about hoping things get better lol he has more experience with the ex than I do lol. Thank you again for your advice.

Lisa120eta's picture

How would we approach the court thing? We just go to family court to modify the court order and have the judge tell her that she isn't allowed to walk the children to the door anymore?

Lisa120eta's picture

Thank you. I don't know that talking to BM about not walking them to the door will do any good. She very much does whatever SD wants her to do so she won't listen to my SO if SD wants her to do it she will do it. I think I'll just talk to my SO about going to get the kids from school anyway even if BM is there volunteering. I like the suggestion the comment or made about still going to get them and just have BM go to her car and we get SD.

Lisa120eta's picture

99.9% of the time I do exactly as you suggested and am in another part of the house while my SO gets the kids. I just happened to be outside this time as we are painting. Maybe I'll just send my daughter in next time so she doesn't have to see the fit throwing and get upset.

twoviewpoints's picture

Why didn't Dad just run over to the school at usual time and pick the kids up per his usual habit on his days?

It was silly, knowing it causes problems, to let BM drive her over. Bell rings at school. BM leaves and gets in her car and drives away. Kid comes out and gets in Dad's car. Ta-Da, no drama.

You had no business telling BM to take kid on home just because Dad handled this poorly. Who cares if kid tosses a hissy fit in the drive-way? Who cares if the neighbors see? All you did is assure kid to toss more fits and she'll get her way. Not a smart lesson to teach a nine year old.

You can call this kid yours until the cows come home, but you're not fooling the kids or the neighbors.

I highly suggest you forget the idea of you/Dad speaking to Mom about Mom's volunteering at school. There is no one iota of a reason Mom shouldn't volunteer at school and it's silly to say it'd make SD happier and things easier for SD if Mom didn't. Silly SM. That kid is absolutely thrilled to pieces to have mother volunteering and involved and that's the way it should be.

Dad and BM can agree that when the kids are lining up to go out for end of school bell, BM can then head on out the door the direction of her car. Dad will be sitting out front of school where parents wait for kids. If kid chases after Mom, Dad merely gets out, walk after her and brings her back to his vehicle. No explanations , no ifs or buts. It's simple. SD can't go with Mom because it's Dad's time. End of story.

You and Dad set today up with the not picking kids up per usual and then standing out in front yard enabling a boo-hoo scene. The kick will stop throwing these fits and asking to stay/go with Mom when you and Dad stop playing into it and you saying 'oh, go on home with Mom, it's ok'. Dad should have told you to mind your business and told the kid to march her fanny into the house.

Lisa120eta's picture

Having my SO go there anyway to get the kids is a good idea. I'll pass that along to him. Not once in my post did I say that her mom shouldn't go to her school. I think it's amazing that she does. All I said was it would make things easier if she didn't on days that their dad is suppose to pick them up. When I said that my SO should talked to their mom I was thinking more along the lines of what you suggested. Not that she should stop volunteering because as I said I think it's amazing that she does. But that she not bring them, that she let him still pick them up. guess we can agree to disagree that I had no right to say anything. I have a child as well who gets upset when there is conflict and drama. I agree that it probably wasn't the best for me to say that she could go with her mother after she threw a fit in the driveway, that's why I am here, asking for advice on how to deal with it in the future. You say the kid will stop doing this when WE stop playing into it. We are not playing into it. This is the first time she's been allowed to go with her mother. My SO usually does exactly what you say and has for years. What I am trying to get advice on is how even when we don't give in and don't let her go with her mom (minus this one time) do we make the transitions easier? I'm not looking to be berated about what is and isn't my place. I'm looking for advice as to what me and my SO can do to help my SD transition from her moms house to ours. Again, this is the first time she has gotten her way from throwing a fit. Normally my SO tells her to knock it off and go inside.

Lisa120eta's picture

UPDATED: BM dropped SD off yesterday with no issues. SD was a little clingy but didn't cause a scene. SD brought me a gift so I distracted her while BM by having her tell me about the gift and where she found it. BM told SO that he could keep SD Friday night even though it's her night with her to make up for SO losing a night with SD. I thought that was very nice of her to do. She didn't tell SD that we would be getting her getting her Friday night so hopefully there are no issues when we pick her up. Had a chance to talk to SD a little because she was upset that we went to dinner without her and went and picked out plants for the yard without her (I had asked her if she wanted to go with me Saturday to pick out plants previously). I explained to her that we had these plans already and that she knew I was doing this stuff Saturday and that her going with her mom Friday night caused her to miss it. Thanks for the advice guys, I appreciate it. Hope you are all having a wonderful weekend.

Rags's picture

Tell the kid that there is a CO that says that this is Dad's time and dad nor BM can violate the Judge's order.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Lisa120eta's picture

Thank you Rags. That's what I should have done. It's just so frustrating to have her complain and stand in the driveway and beg her mom. To take her and hear her say she doesn't want to stay with us. All because we make her follow a routine and sans this incident don't give her everything she wants. Mind you they still have a damn good life. More stuff than I ever had.

After this whole incident on Friday she ended up coming over on Saturday, you saw my other post. We end up with melt downs of trivial crap. After we heard her ask her mom if she could talk to someone about not staying with us anymore my SO did go in and talk to her and explain the whole visitation thing and his time vs her moms time. He talked to her about how she is a child and that she doesn't get a say in the matter. He told her that he lived her and that's why he wanted her here. Turns out he told her that he knew exactly why she didn't want to come see us and it was because we make her follow rules and she has responsibilities at our house. I didn't. Know he had said all that when I made my other post. We have had a pretty hectic week with work and all so we caught up a little today. I do love his kids but I can't help but be a little upset with them because of how SD hurts his feelings with the things that she says. I think one of the things that bother him as well is that she doesn't make a stink about spending time with me. Mind you I don't discipline his kids, I stay out of that completely. The only time I say anything to them is if they are going to hurt themselves or each other.