It's OK to say no, and they don't need specifics about why other than "we don't have it." At 12 and 14 they should be able to make money if they want to do extra things that aren't in the family budget, like house/pet sitting, yard work, baby sitting, etc. like Echo said, this isn't an uncommon issue with lots of families. If the money isn't there, it isn't there. They are old enough to understand.

A CRITICALLY important life skill is that one should not spend money that they cannot afford to spend. Children do not need to be told that it is because of CS. Children should feel secure that their needs are going to be taken care of. But children need to learn the difference in needs vs wants.

I realize that I am older than dirt and that the world has changed. But I honestly do not see someone having a successful life if they have no concept of need vs. want. Or of realizing that one can't get everything you want.

Part of my success in life was knowing that if I wanted to have more of my "wants" I needed to make sure I could afford them. A child that automatically gets their wants fulfilled does not develop that life skill.

I think 12 and 14 is.old enough for them to understand simple finances. Without revealing details of your own finances, perhaps a simple diagram of 1. How much DH brings in each month after tax, then show them how much CS goes to their mother specifically for them, 2. what other living costs DH has, like food, mortgage, interest on debt, etc. they will soon see there isn't much left at the end of the month. And you are housing and feeding them when they come.to stay, add that to the monthly cost.

And YOUR money should be separate if you have any intention of saving for retirement. You shouldn't be bankrolling DH family and how much you have or choose tomshare is a completely separate issue.

I remember my first words to SS and his GF who are a couple of shameless moneygrubbers, was, "we are not wealthy". I think they had the imoression that their Dad, who owns his own company (but has to pay employees) was rolling in dough. I explained simply to them that SS should be asking BM for pocket money since she gets £3000 a month from DH for the skids. They looked shocked, if as no one had actually told them the CS arrangement.

Some DH's think telling kids the financial truth will somehow hurt their fee fees. Well, cold hard reality will kill off any "ask your father to pay for it" advice that I suspect is coming from your BM. And it will also stop budding teenagers branding you guys as cheapos.

When we have friends over it is rare we all go out and HOOT it up. And I mean it is rare. Not sure what has caused OP's family to think this is needed. Do you feel pressure? Does the kid say "we never do anything" when my friends come over/

Heavenlike I respectfully disagree with you about the PAS thing. Telling a child that dad provides financial support in x amount is NOT wrong. And it is not Pathogenic parenting.

Pretending it does not occur (child support) IS wrong thus creating a delusion that dad is a deadbeat/bad/douchebag/asshole who doesn't help poor CP falls more into the line of Pathogenic parenting.

Child should know therefore child feels more security with both parents. It also shows both parents are financially providing (cough cough more like ncp takes the brunt) ALSO it alleviates a child from feeling bad, sad that CP does it alone. Kids always find a way to make stuff their fault.

Too many kids don't know the truth and they should.   

Don't feel bad about saying NO. The kids aren't going to die if they don't get to attend events with their friends . Kids these days feel so entitled to be entertained all the time and expect to be constantly on the move doing things .

Personally I'd be super annoyed working 2 job due to bills and debts. No sure why you would feel even a drop of guilt telling the skids NO . How often do you go out or buy anything extra for yourself ?

What's wrong with these kids that they have no concept of money? Surely they take math in school? And surely they live in 2017 and have some ideas where money come from?

My DD knew that I could afford xyz but not abc etc Tell them that some activity are just too expensive and should be replaced with Free ones (library or museum or walk in a park).

What's wrong with these kids that they have no concept of money? Surely they take math in school? And surely they live in 2017 and have some ideas where money come from?

My DD knew that I could afford xyz but not abc etc Tell them that some activity are just too expensive and should be replaced with Free ones (library or museum or walk in a park). Don't even have to say no, instead suggesting free or less expensive activity

If there's no money, there's no money. Period. When we were kids and money was tight, we got put into free activities--library, volunteer work, walk in the park every day after dinner (and feed the ducks) whatever. These days, for some reason, kids now feel entitled for activities. Want something to do? Let's weed the garden, work on the vegetable patch, paint the kitchen.

I was not raised on "paid for" activities and neither are my kids.

You cannot compare days gone by with today's kids. Annoying as it is, life is different today, kids get more, want more and feel entitled to more. It's huge peer pressure and none of us want our kids to feel poor and deprived ( even if it's crazy that they feel this when life is so good now). It's striking the balance. I raised mine alone as a widow. As I was working full time and back in school I helped my kids to really value the dollar by paying them to do the chores. Small amounts that they would save and use for extracurricular fun with friends. Some chores paid less than others LOL. My daughter babysat and my son mowed neighbors lawns. So it was a win win win. I didn't have time for chores, they worked in a safe endvoronment and learned what earning a dollar is all about. Essentially yes I was paying for some of the fun things but many times I had to say No. Teens are naturally selfish, just the way they are. They don't see your exhausted face or the new gray hairs.....you have to say No when the money just isn't there.

You don't need to give out exact numbers, but it wouldn't kill them to know how much things cost and how much it eats up from your paycheque.

When my kids started getting into requesting all kinds of things, I would break it down for them very roughly, telling them this is what I need to use the money I've made this week for:

bread and filling for school lunch sandwiches: $
juice for school lunches: $
snacks for school lunches: $
electricity bill: $
water bill: $
rent/mortgage: $
gas/transportation: $

Total: X$

Toy is X.XX $

I'd ask them where they thought we could take the X.XX$ from for the toy... they said snacks... so... I moved the money from snacks to Toy... Of course I'd already fudged the numbers, so they were easy round numbers... so, snacks was left with 0.00 $... and I told them that at the end of the week after all the bills were paid, we could go get the toy with the money we saved from not getting the snacks...

....and I didn't give them a school snack.

They thought it was only going to be the one day.

Day 2, they were asking about the snack - I told them no, they wanted to use the snack money for the toy, so there was no money to buy snacks... they were a bit sad.

Day 3, they said they didn't want the toy anymore, and could we go to the store to get snacks.... lol

Over time, they went to taking 5$ from the snacks so we could get cheaper snacks, taking a few dollars from the bread/filling category and took PB&J instead of deli meat and cheese... taking water instead of juice to use the $ from the juice... they got smarter, more creative with using the "budget" I'd laid out for them...

Now, if I tell them I don't have the money for something, they ask where there's room to rearrange the budget to see if something can be cut/shaved/saved so we can find the money. A bit annoying, actually... careful what you wish for LOL

I would adopt the "Your dad already gave $XXXXX.XX to your mom for that." perspective on these things. Unless otherwise stipulated in a CO, CS is the sum total of the NCPs obligation and legal responsibility to support their kid(s).

Kids should be provided with the facts of the CO including how much money the NCP provides for their support and made aware that it is the CP's responsibility to manage CS money and their own income accordingly. Particularly in a situation where a CP tries to demean the NCP in the eyes of the kids as a deadbeat when CS is paid on time.

Don't get me wrong. As the spouse of the CP in our blended family adventure I understand how in many cases CS can be a pittance and a pathetic insult to a CP. It works both ways. In our case the SpermClan would regularly complain to SS when he was in SpermLand on visitation about how the CS they paid to his mom for his support was causing his three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs to starve while SS lived in the lap of excess and luxury due the $110/mo in CS that the SpermClan so benevolently paid.

We showed him our monthly budget/income/expense spread sheet with the whopping $110/Mo CS prominently displayed as a % of our monthly costs to support the Skid. When CS went up to $133/Mo our income and costs had increased significantly so the increase represented an even lower percentage of the required resources to support CS than the $110/Mo had initially been. The same applied when CS settled at $385/Mo for the last 6-ish years of the CO.

We made sure SS knew just how pathetically little his SpermIdiot was required to pay and how he had difficulty paying the total amount each month in a timely manner. Of course we shared this info in an age appropriate manner.

Keeping SS abreast of the facts tempered the manipulations perpetrated towards him by the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. To this day the facts help SS-24 to manage and minimize the attempted manipulations by his SpermClan.