Discipline

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This is my first post. Hi I'm a stepmom to 4 children and a birth mom to 2. So we have a houseful-- 6 kids who are mainly all with us on the weekends.

I have no problem with disciplining my birth kids (DD6 and DS9). They know what to expect and very rarely push the limits. And when they do, they are swiftly and quickly punished, we talk about it, and then we go about our business.

I find it very weird and awkward disciplining his kids, however. They are SS9, SD5, SD5, and SS3. The 9-year- old seems to cause problems on purpose-- how on earth do you discipline that? The 3-year-old follows the 9-year-old's lead. The twin 5-year-olds don't cause any issues.

I am finding that I'm getting really frustrated and almost resentful towards his kids when they come over and I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL THAT WAY.

I really need some support here from you guys. My soon to be DH is very supportive too, but I need a different perspective.

I think I almost get pissed at him cause he doesn't see/hear when his kids misbehave and I am a "lay down the law" kind of person, so when he doesn't see it and I ALREADY don't feel comfortable disciplining his kids, I get mad at them. Like, are they really allowed to get away with this crap?

I have opinions about their BM too and the fact that they are allowed to do whatever the eff they want at their house, but this is not going to fly with me.

Someone on another site said that all the kids should be disciplined equally-- and I agree.

I guess my question is, what are some boundaries/rules/consequences you guys have at your homes? What works? What's the process like?

I need some encouragement.
Thank you!!!!!!

What are some things that are

What are some things that are happening that you need to discipline them on? I will tell my SDs to stop doing something, but as far as actually doling out punishment, in our house each parent handles their own kids.

How long have you been together? How long have you been living together?

We have been together for a

We have been together for a couple of years living together for one. An example of something that gets under my skin is when DH says "don't do that" and then DH walks away and five minutes later I see the child doing what he/she was asked not to do.

do I tattle to DH?
Cause that's how I feel... ya know?

SS9 continuously disrespects me. He will act like he doesn't hear me, he interrupts me. He says things about me to my kids. He also encourages the other kids to do the wrong thing and then will tell on them to make it look like he was the one who caught them.

We live in a tiny apartment, so I can see all of this going on from just about anywhere. And being kids, they think we adults can't see crap.. lol

Maybe my issue is mostly with SS9....

Nanny-cam. Then, it's not

Nanny-cam. Then, it's not you ratting out the little ones; you're not harping. Just the facts. Obviously, stb-DH does NOT see crap.

EDIT: stb-DH needs to step up his parenting and not leave it to you, IMHO

That's a good idea! I've

That's a good idea! I've always wanted one of those. Being that we have a relatively small space, I find it utterly assinine that he "doesn't see" the things they do. I guess maybe I should just tell him to be more aware. I think he was used to BM doing the brunt of the discipline. I just don't understand how his kids push the limits the way that they do.

It makes me pissed at the BM, as well. Especially when SS9 disrespects me.

It's getting to the point where I am dreading all of us being together.

What are some rules that you guys have established in your home?

I would recommend a few

I would recommend a few sessions of couple's counseling. You have a lot of young children, which can put a strain on the best of relationships.

My husband and I went to a therapist just to discuss our children about a year after we married and the honeymoon was over. We too had young children when we married, two from his first marriage, one from mine, and I got pregnant immediately after we married. It helped a lot. These first few years will be hard, but our oldest is now 14, and things are a bit less stressful. The trick is presenting a united front to all of your children, and allowing your DH to discipline his children.

Thanks Everyone!

Counseling is probably a good

Counseling is probably a good idea. I'm a firm believer in being united and DH is not stubborn in that he will seriously consider my feelings and work with me.

Some things the kids do are disregarding what they're told after the adult walks away or has their back to the kids.

SS9 complains a lot and whines a lot. He kinda makes it hell for me. When ss9 is NOT around, things go smoothly--like a dream.

My kids KNOW not to complain or they will catch all hell from me. I can't do that with SS9 and it drives me crazy.

during the school year, my

during the school year, my children are with dad full time for school purposes and I get them every weekend. During the summer, they're with me full time.

DH's kids are with us only on the weekends. So SS9 is there only on the weekends. With 6 kids it's very difficult to get one on one time with each one, but we make sure to make time for ss9 to get alone time with his dad-- even if ss9 doesn't "want to."

I don't want to "out" any child. I just want some encouragement and ideas for this to go more smoothly.

We are relatively new to this.

Thanks, HRNYC

Sit him down and hand him a

Sit him down and hand him a list of the behavioral standards that will apply to all children in YOUR home. He either steps up and disciplines before you have to or he can STFU and have your back while you do it. There should be no tolerated deviation from the standards,

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

lol! thanks! is this what

lol! thanks! is this what you do/have done.... ?

Yes. It has worked very

Yes. It has worked very well. IMHO there is no need to get upset about how you feel regarding your SKid's behaviors and DHs failures as a parent. This is not your failure it is the failure of your DH.

You are raising your children under standards for behavior and performance and IMHO neither you nor your children should have to tolerate children who are not complying with those same standards in the home you and your kids live in.

My DW and I met when SS-24 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. He is the eldest of the SpermIdiot's 4 out of wedlock spawn by three different baby mamas and our only. He is the only one of the four who is doing anything with his life and in fact is the only member of the SpermClan's shallow and polluted gene pool who is worth a crap. I raised him as my own and his mom and I for the most part agreed and cooperated in raising him with effective behavioral and performance standards. He recently completed his first 6yr commitment in the USAF and started another 4yrs. His career is going well, he is moving forward on his college education (a little slower than his mom and I would like but he is working it on his time and his own dime).

Confirmation of the success of that model occurred two years ago when he asked me to adopt him. We made that happen.

So... at least it worked for us.

IMHO the standards apply consistently regardless of the resident or visitor status of kids in the home. It is a rather binary measurement IMHO. Either the kids abide by the standards or they don't. The only variable that should be considered in enforcing the standards should be age. The standards should be enforced but with consideration of the age of the kids. Enforcement should be done in an age appropriate manner. Easy for me to say since we only had one.