No Respect No Love
I am a first-timer. I am not sure if I am looking for advice or just a place to vent with others that understand my experience. Before I start my rant there are some important key points I need to make:
1. I hate using the word "step children" for the sake of this forum I will
2. I have 3 Stepchildren (all boys) who (2 have same mom; 1 has another mother)
3. Ages are 18, 17, 16 and I have been in their lives for 13 years.
4. They never had regular visitation d/t mothers moving out of the state so the bond that we once had is not as strong
5. I love them all and make efforts to treat them as me own.....
....However, I am finding that treating like my own (I have 1 bio child son w/ husband) is not the best idea. I have certain expectations of bio son and hold my stepchildren to these expectations as well. Namely, RESPECT is KEY. I EXPECT to be RESPECTED at all times. I have house rules such as no eating upstairs, clean up room, clean up behind yourself. Unfortunately, my stepchildren have not had regular visiting with us and their mothers seemingly have failed to ingrain this in them --(Now as you know there is an entire backstory about husbands' lack of involvement for the sake of this post I will not expand on that at the moment).
They recently relocated to the state had have been with us for the summer. It has been very hard. No matter how nicely I request and explain my justifications for rules of the home it is still being broken REGULARLY. It is becoming very diffcult for me to not disengage. If these were my BIO children I WOULD NOT STAND FOR IT. I am finding snack wrappers all over the rooms, if this were my Bio son (who I might add does not break this rule-eating in rooms) I would throw away all the snacks (yep I am that kind of parent). The total disregard and then I must stand over them and request 17x that they clean the room is ridculous! I am pissed and for them to be teenager my expectations are even higher becuase they are not little boys anymore (frankly they did a better job at following rules then).
I am feeling like this is not an oversight or forgetfulness but just blantant unwillingness to listen. Now, yall I was kicked out of my mothers house at 16 yo for months of disrespect and unwillingness to listen. I had to stay with friends and I quickly learned my lesson. So I have all this upbring memories that influence the parent I am today. And while I can enforce this to some degree, my husband has input as well, with my BIO son I can not enforce same practices with my stepchildren. I am feeling like a prisoner in my own home, I am second in command in this house yet I feel like children are running my house. It truly makes me outraged and I want to sit in my room intentionally distancing myself. But then I think what kind of mother am I, if I do that.
So you ask were is my husband in all of this? He has never been the discplinary and thusly I am "the bad guy" honestly I think he fears that they will not want to return if he "lays down the law" now in all fairness he is passive with our BIO son as well. He is receptive when I ask him to address an issue but I am not present when it occurs so I am not even sure the conversations are occuring.
CHERRY ON TOP : There is a recent issue (never had this before when they were with us) that if i say something they do not like they reach out to their BIO mom, say they want to come home, she reachs out to my husband who then tells me. Early on I was feeling sad about it but Now I feel like F#c% it, I am not going to change standard unharsh rules and my way of being because I have teenager who want to do what they want to do.
FEELING DEFEATED DEPRESSED ANGRY
Why is your husband letting
Why is your husband letting BM into your home? She should have no say in what goes on even when the skids text her. They are letting her know that DH followed thru after she let him know and now it's a circle of the blame game. DH needs to shut that down and back you up. He is the problem. You are complaining to the wrong person. Make him clean up after them. Nag him to death about the skids. Things they leave in common areas get tossed in garbage. Garbage they leave behind gets dumped on their beds. Shut the door to their room or take it off. Either works. You can reclaim your power in the home you just have to be more selective in when to use it.
So DH is pissed about kids
So DH is pissed about kids texting mom, DH does not tell her anything in fact his stong distain for her has impacted visitation at certain times over the years. He has said to them directly in my presence "She does not and will not run this house" he knows that I want to be in the loop if they text about anything pertaining to me so in respect for my request he lets me know. Now, I have had coversations with BM and she tells me that she tells them to respect me and the house rules...this has been consistent over the years. However, I have also been present for a weekend and sees how she runs her house and her "no" does not mean "no" so they like kids do take advantage of her passiveness.
The kids are the not problem, your husband is.
I totally understand you!!! I'm that kind of a parent too and my Step kids were raised very differently. At first, I was scared to speak up because my husband was "scared" they wouldn't like it and not come on his weekend visits but I'm over that. I got over that when my son told me that he felt it was unfair that the he had all this rules and chores and not them. It opened my eyes!! and I was like hell no! I'm not allowing this anymore! So I spoke to my husband and started asking the kids myself to do this or that and they started cooperating. They need reminders sometimes but as my husband sees the benefits, he is more cooperative and doesn't let them get away with things. It's been a process but comparing it to last year, we had made a huge progress!! Yesterday they all cleaned the bathroom and they make breakfast on their own so I'm very happy. Hang in there, speak up!!! speak to your husband and your step kids are teen agers, they're not toddlers so they can figure out whether to cooperate or not visit, its your household not theirs. My oldest step daughter does not visit at all out of immaturity and my husband is now ok with it, he knows she's 18 now and its her decision. I wish you the best!
Thanks so much for this. I
Thanks so much for this. I realized how long me post was getting so of course many deets are left out. I would normally hound the shit out of my husband but there has been a loss of one of his parents and I have been trying to be the "woman of the house" and only bring bigger issues to him as I know he is struggling emotionally with the grief. But you are right it is a process and that is what I need to remember. They did all do chores yesterday I was just so mad when I seen wrappers the very next day when I reiterated no eating upstairs. Mind you BIO son had a parade of ants in his room b/c other kids had been breaking this rule.
I totally know how it feels!
Oh girl I get you!! my eye twiched when you mentioned wrappers in the bedroom! auughh!! Hang in there, stay firm! take it day by day but don't tolerate what you wouldn't with your own children. Stay positive! you know, speaking of messy rooms, today my husband took them to the pool and to my surprise they cleaned up their rooms before they left with out anyone telling them, I was shocked! but I won't praise them because that is what they're expected to do, so I'll keep my mouth closed lol but I feel good lol
The thing is, you can't treat
The thing is, you can't treat them like your own, they aren't your kids. You don't have the legal right to parent them exactly as you want to, and they don't feel the bond and connection to you that your bio son does, so just start from there.
Stop buying the snacks if they leave the wrappers all over the place. If you want bio son to have them, buy a small amount and keep it under lock and key.
Let DH know he is responsible for cleaning up after them, period, and when you expect it done.
Let him know also that 18 and 17 are done visiting for the summer, they are too old. Next year they can come for a week. 16 has one more summer to visit then he comes for the week, as well.
Set the limits on DH, not on the kids. Decide what you will and won't do for them, given that they don't do what they are supposed to do, and he won't make them.
So don't stand for it.
I do understand your aversion to the term "Step". We never used in our home. Not a single time that I recall. My SS-27 was my kid and I was his dad.
Do as you would with your own kid. Throw away the snacks. Bag and throw away any of their stuff they do not put away. If they do not do as instructed, quit feeding them. Cook for you, DH and your child and they can starve or have a PB&J. Explain why they are not being fed. Direct, immediate, notable and durable consequences work.
And... inform DH that if he does not immediately fix his prior failed family progeny and put his foot up their backsides regarding compliance with the reasonable rules you have set that the Skids can go back to their mommies until they can act their ages and step up. DH does not get an opinion. He fixes it or you end the problem.