I substitute teach, so starting today. I’m at home until the 2nd week of January. My BS13 left today to visit with his dad and grandparents until January 9. Next week, FH will be working overnight from 10pm to 8am for several days. I gently mentioned that SD11 should stay with her BM then. FH won’t be home or he will be sleeping anyway — and I could take this time to finish my business plan and get ready to launch my new business in the new year. He pressed so I said, “She doesn’t want to spend time with me anyway.” To which he asked, “Do you want to spend time with her?”

I had to be honest. I said, “No.” Straight up.

The truth is (and he knows this, because I’ve said it), I’m guarded and not in any hurry to push a relationship with SD. Over the two years I’ve been with FH, numerous things have accumulated:

1. The BM got in my face and cursed me out numerous times for being involved. She even let herself in the house one day to give me an ear full (over one of SD’s friends accidentally calling me mom).
2. BM has a 2nd post-divorce child from someone else. BM insisted FH get a DNA test in her last ditch effort to have another hold on him. He conceded to “keep the peace,” going to her house ALONE to take the test because she insisted. Child is not his. To this day, said child still has FH’s last name and SD continues to put bastard child on a pedestal over my BS13. Expected, but irritating all the same.
3. SD11 lied about me to her BM to stir the pot. All she was required to do was apologize to me — but my son should get a belt and restrictions when he lies (according to FH).
4. FH made it clear the first year that even though mine and SD11’s birthdays are four days apart, that time is about SD. (This was in response to my dad offering to take both me and SD out for a birthday dinner.)
5. SD11 bosses BS13 around, knows everything, and even tells BS “no one wants to hear about it” when he’s talking. I correct this almost daily. If I shut this down in front of FH, he gets irritated. One time recently, I told SD (in front of FH) to “get off her high horse” when she ridiculed BS about nursing a sprained knee — because this same girl milked a sprained ankle for weeks. FH was livid.
6. SD11 told me in front of my friend I was there to clean the house and cook for her and FH. When I said I could just stop doing all that, she said I could move out.
7. FH insisted SD get the bigger room (by 30 sq ft) because “she’s a girl.” She has the biggest bedroom in the house AND a walk in closet, yet you still can’t see her floor for all the clothes — clean and dirty.
8. And this may be petty, but the first and only thing SD ever asks me when I pick her up from after school care is, “What’s for dinner? When will it be ready?” Then, if daddeee happens to be home for dinner, it’s the same routine: “Do you want me to make you something to drink daddeee?” Ignoring the rest of us without any correction from FH.

FH works A LOT (60+ hours per week) running his business, so he often comes in an hour or so before the kids go to bed. Both kids (SD and my BS) are living with us full time, so I’m parenting them the bulk of the time — even on weekends.

I must give credit where credit is due. He does cover about 3/4 of the household bills with this hard-earned income!

I guess I resent him for this because I would LOVE unfragmented time to tend to starting my own business. He says I have no follow through. And when I say I don’t have the time, he says it’s only an excuse. I guess working about 30 hours a week, running errands, cleaning house, cooking, coaching kids, and dropping everything when FH is home to spend time with him — those are all just excuses.

With that said, I don’t think it’s a stretch for me to ask for SD to go with BM five miles up the road for several days when my BS is gone as well. Then, FH says, “Fine! I’ll give you your break while I keep doing what I’m doing — working long hours with barely a day off. SD can go with BM. I get a baseball glove for BS, talk with him, and spend time with him — and you don’t want MY kid.”

It’s not that I don’t want his kid. I just don’t want the attitude and drama. I still chat with her. I still work with her on homework. I still guide her when the “mean girls” at school are stressing her out. And I do this nightly while he’s away most of the time. I just do it at arms length because I don’t have the attachment. I also find her no-one-is-better-than-me-and-daddeee-and-BM attitude extremely repulsive.

It wears me out on both fronts. My BS13 adds his hot mess to it, too. After living with his dad for several years, he just moved in with us full time last May. He tried to skate by at school making F’s until he figured out I wasn’t having it. He lies about the stupidest things. He sneaks food. He has stolen from a classmate. He has pretty crappy hygiene. And he forgets almost everything from lunch boxes to homework to iPad chargers. He has great manners and generally very little attitude, but that’s about it. So I’m CONSTANTLY working with him, too.

So what the hell? Tell me. Am I being selfish? One-sided? Unreasonable? I just want honesty and hard truth if it’s needed. And a few days off to chase my own dreams if that’s ok. Yes? No?

At this point, therapy sounds like a great option — and I’m NOT being sarcastic there.