Teen visiting advice please...
Hi All,
I've posted on here a couple of times before & your advice has been so helpful that I'm hoping you can all help with the latest little issue.
We were due to have my SD14 for the last week of the Christmas holidays, this had been agreed between BM and my SO as BM had said she was working. 2 hours before my SO went to collect SD on Boxing Day her BM rang to say she'd lost all the details and what was happening with childcare over the forthcoming week as she'd changed her working hours so wanted to alter everything. My SO was pretty annoyed as he'd arranged some Christmas treats over this period, which included SD, that had been booked and paid for. During this heated conversation BM told him that she didn't want her daughter with us for that amount of time and that my SD didn't want to come either, SD didn't end up coming at all. Normally he speaks to his daughter every day but was so hurt/angry that a week passed before he called to wish her a good first day back at school (I've been disengaging but have to admit this was at my suggestion as I could see it was becoming more of a matter of stubbornness than anything else on both sides).
They have resumed having a short conversation every evening but after last nights chat he's hurt & angry all over again...he hasn't seen her since Christmas Eve so asked SD if she'd be coming this weekend, she replied that as she didn't think gymnastics was on so she needed to think about it, it's 5 minutes from our home so it's been the activity she's done when she's stayed with us every weekend. He's gutted as it came across that it was more about gymnastics than it was about seeing him. I'm in two minds as although I don't get on particularly well with her nowadays I also see a teenager who wants more independence which is natural but I can see my SO's point of view that he doesn't want it to be a situation where he only sees her when he's paying for her to do something, which we have felt is the case more over the past year and is part of the reason I decided to step back.
How would you look at this?
Teen don’t want to sit home,
Teen don’t want to sit home, they want to do things on the weekend. This does not have to cost a lot of money. SO has to find out what she is interest in. Then try to find free thing or theings that cost little to do. And every once in a wild do the expensive things.
Thanks Harry, I'm trying to
Thanks Harry, I'm trying to see it from both sides. This has been building for a while, we've always done a good mix of things at home and out but SO doesn't want to be seen as a cash cow, it would be nice if SD wanted to come over just to see him. The funny thing is that my SD would be perfectly happy to sit at home talking to friends through a screen (she has restricted screen time at our house) but doesn't want to see them face to face when it's offered.
From your previous posting on
From your previous posting on laundry, I get the impression SD is hiding out over at BM's from your home and Dad and your normal expectations (aka rules, tasks, refusing to coddle her).
I don't think I'd let her get away with it, but I'm not sure how Dad is going to enforce visitation without BM 'protecting' her daughter from 'the evil SM and father'. I fear the more your DH pushes the more the daughter will pull away... and with BM's blessings.
Dad can certainly say 'coming is not optional and I will be picking you up at x time on ex day (whatever CO parenting times are) and I expect you to be ready and come out to the car'.
All teens reach a point where they want a peer social life and are busy with school activities, part-time jobs, overnights with friends and all those typical teen type things. But that's not what I'm reading on this one. I'm reading a coddled brat that has learned if she doesn't like Dad's rules and expectations she can whine, BM will come running to bat for her and kid is given the decision making power to stay at BM's and coddled, have Mommy do everything for her and life will be nothing but what and how the teen wants it to be.
Thank you for taking the time
Thank you for taking the time to read my previous post, you've got an idea what's been happening. As much as I appreciate normal teenage goings on, I can remember what I was like, I agree SD is laying low & BM is quite happy to accommodate the behavior.
My SD was 14 when she
My SD was 14 when she "announced" she was no longer coming to our house during my DH's weeks. It's common when you have one parent who plays the role of bff rather than parent. When teens have the option (because bm has made dad optional in her mind) to stay where they are never told no or given any responsibilities or expectations, of course they will choose the lazy route.
My SD made this proclamation right after Christmas of 2016 and she hasn't stayed here since. But, she comes around to grab her gifts during holidays. She is only interested in seeing her dad if there is something in it for her.
I'm disgusted by her behavior so I don't say anything to my DH. He was in a dark place for a long time due to her choice, but he seems to be stepping out of the fog.
Don't hassle him to fix this. Don't ask about her unless he brings her up. Just be a supportive, loving wife and enjoy your skid-free time.
Thanks beebeel, we actually
Thanks beebeel, we actually had a lovely week together on our own, the first we've time been off work together just the two of us for over 7 years due to the normal shared childcare schedule . I'm trying to be as supportive as I can without being involved, disengagement has been a revelation, I'd been doing really well not saying anything until I suggested he break the stand off.
When girls come into their
When girls come into their teen years, it can be more difficult for them to want to do visitation with a NCP, especially if that parent doesn't live near friends or lives in a remote area without much to do.
I know it can be "boring" for them to just hang out with a parent all day. They also start having more social, work and activity commitments. If that is what it is, I would give her a break as long as she was maintaining good daily contact with the NCP.
That doesn't seem 100% the case here and I think dad needs to push to see her... even if it isn't for the full allocation of time. Also have frequent contact when she is with her mom to see how she is doing and keep up with her life.
Thanks ESMOD, as much as I
Thanks ESMOD, as much as I don't get on with her I can see this is a mix of normal teenage attitude and the disagreement my SO had with the BM. I agree my SO needs to keep up frequent contact.
Visitation is optional for
Visitation is optional for the parent, NOT for the child.
Thanks Secret...I've just
Thanks Secret...I've just read your strap line, crikey I wish I'd had that to hand during my last, unpleasant conversation with BM last year!
When parents split, it puts
When parents split, it puts an unnaturalness on relationships between each parent and the kid. Spending time with a parent is normal, but when it's prescribed by a calendar, it takes on a certain...unnatural rhythm, with planned events, hours calculated, a court-ordered end time. Normal interruptions, such as gymnastics or a kid wanting to play with a friend, become a "thing" because they reduce time spent with the scheduled parent. Instead of everyone doing what naturally happens in a family on a Saturday, those hours are calculated and managed. I think that must be hard for everyone involved.
On top of that, of course the kid will have a preference for one household or the other. (Just like parents really DO have a favorite kid!) That can't be helped and it isn't the kid's fault. I'd say it's more likely the kid will prefer the household without a stepparent and certainly the home with fewer enforced rules and more freedom.
And on top of that, kids grow up. As they get older, they don't want to spend X number of hours with a parent anymore because there are school dances, team sports, friends at the mall. I did not dig spending time with my parents and every year made it more painful! It was nothing against my parents. I just wanted to do what I wanted to do. I didn't want to watch on TV what they watched. I didn't want to clean out the garage with them. I didn't want to play games with them.
In fairness to your skid, maybe what appears to be anger is really just the kid trying to navigate growing up in split households while also trying to become who she's going to be. You've disengaged (bravo!), so maybe just remind your husband that the kid is naturally going to want to spend less time with her parents and not to take it personally.
(Honestly, before I met my SD, I never knew a child could be SO chained to a parent! I thought it was so weird that this young adult wanted to be with her dad ALL THE TIME and was so hurt that she couldn't spend all her time with him. Now that her competition with me has waned, she sure hasn't a spare moment for him!)
Thanks, that's where I'm
Thanks, that's where I'm giving her credit as just being a normal teen, not wanting to spend so much time with parents, it's easier for me to see as I don't have the emotional connection (or any connection!) with SD that either parent has, he is getting on board with the idea but another Christmas drama has tipped him over the edge.
It would all be so much easier if she would engage with her friends out of school but she's not keen too, her BM experiences this too, unless it's through her phone which she isn't allowed to use constantly when she's with us.
My SO's daughter is 14 as
My SO's daughter is 14 as well and he's kind of going through the same thing. BM moved a few years ago and enrolled SD in a new school district, etc. At 14 years old, it's all about hanging out with friends. Even in an in-tact family, a 14 year old is going to spend every moment possible with friends - I know I did!!! And at this age, teen girls don't really want to hang out with dad. The one thing my SO and his daughter have in common is softball, so he is very involved in that and is considering offering his help at practice (it's a travel team, so they practice 2-3x/week and have full weekend tournaments about twice a month). If there is something that they have in common, maybe focus on that and don't try to force it right now - I don't see that being good for anyone. He does text/talk with her regularly during the week, so it's not like there is no contact at all. Just reinforcing that he's thinking about her and loves her while she's navigating this time in her life.
Thanks jct, he's keeping the
Thanks jct, he's keeping the regular contact speaking to her every evening, although it has been through gritted teeth on a couple of occasions as he's been so hurt/annoyed. Now she's back at school that conversation is a little easier as he concentrates on asking about her day. Fingers crossed it will calm down soon!