We do separate parties. It's cleaner and easier that way. BM used to have joint parties with DH where she would act like they were still married, you know, for SSs sake. I stopped that when we got married.

Don't let BM strong-arm you into paying for HER party. If she gets in SD's ear and SD says she wants BM's party instead, then don't throw her one and don't go to BMs. You don't let BM tell you what to do, and if SD is ungrateful then don't throw her one.

SD could certainly tell her daddy she would rather do the laser tag than a hotel party... but no way does dad pay for a party his EX is hosting.

We always did whatever we wanted to for the girls.. their mom did what she wanted and we never subsidized that .

You are NOT alone. There is no way that I would help pay for a party BM was throwing that we wouldn't even be attending. SO and his ex throw joint parties for their kids (kids are still little), so he pays half or a bit more, but a joint party is totally different. No way would he pay for the ex's party for her side of the family that he wasn't attending.

I don't agree that the birthday child should not have any choice in the matter - what she wants to do is relevant. However, I don't think her choice should be between DH's hotel party and BM's laser tag party. If she really really wants to do the laser tag/arcade party and it's within DH's budget (and BM can't swing it financially), I'd let her do that in lieu of the hotel party. But the party would be thrown by DH, not BM.

DH responses, we are throwing her a party already we can't really afford both.

BM already has her answer. BM needs to do what SHE, BM, can afford. Period. Dot. So she has her knickers in a twist. HER problem. BM should not promise things that she cannot afford and not ASSume that DH will help her out. He is no longer her husband. Tough gazongas!

DH and BM switch off to every other year, so that way one of them gets at least one SD for a birthday each year. This year we have SD11 and BM has SD14.

I don't do much UNLESS the SD asks nicely. No demands, no expectations.
DH won't pay for an expensive venue and it's up to SDs to come up with a reasonable plan, with some help of course. Last year BM was at our house when older SD turned 13...that was odd (I don't dislike her she's just removed) and it was obvious SD13 didn't want her there b/c she was with her friends. DH and I don't go to BMs for their birthdays since they were around 10/11. And before that we just stopped by for the cake and gifts. Pretty low key.

You're not mean for saying you're going to do separate parties. BM wrecked SD4's party last year. Guess what? Separate parties, no option for combined and heck no is she invited and we won't be funding anything for her either. Just NO. And that's okay. If she wants to do a party, then she needs to have a budget and she needs to throw one within that budget. You're already throwing one and she sounds high conflict as heck.

This last birthday (SD9) we even ended up inviting BM's SM and dad... Not BM... BM ditched the Skids, she doesn't get to add stress to SD9 by making the party all about BM like she did with SD4. It SUPER upset them both... She wasn't going to do anything, and she's banned form her dad and SM's house because she's a little s***. We don't believe in punishing the Skids because BM is a beastie. But we also don't believe in either the Skids or us having to put up with her crap just because she's the egg donor.

So yes it's totally fine for you to say that you're already throwing your own and can't afford both. She's an adult. She can make big girl decisions without taking money from her ex whenever she thinks she needs it. I say stick to it. You shouldn't be funding a party that BM is throwing unless it's mutually agreed upon, which it sounds like it's not. A party isn't a necessity, that's probably something BM said "let's do this, I'll make your dad pay for it."

A lot of step-families do separate parties, that old family unit just doesn't exist anymore. And that's okay. Both sides should get to celebrate as they see fit (and with their own funding).

Ughh, Birthday Parties.

BM should have AND pay for her's and DH should have and pay for his.

We recently did the Laser Tag thing...I could NOT believe the price.

You know what we found to be the best Birthday parties...sleep overs with pizza. IF you have xbox big super plus.

Don't feel bad about telling bm the new plan this year and every year. Also, we found it was better to have our parties AFTER bm had hers,,,say a week or too later.

By then the kid forgets bm's and we are stress free.

I know what your going thru. We did too.

We lef go of that Birthday Rope AND the Christmas rope---BM can have them for all holidays. Amazing how they don't like when the rope is left go. THEY fight tooth and nail to have birthdays and Christmas vacations to start with. I think they just like to fight AND they believe it hurts their ex.. Pffffttt nope not really letting go is a relief.

OP please tell dh we went thru this too. BM has her's and you have yours. Do what is best for your home. Have a sleep over cheap, easy and fun.

I'd probably text back "So you only want the party your mother is giving you? We of course will not intrude on your mother's party. Are you sure you don't want a second party with us? We are still willing to have the hotel party."

And if she says something like "oh I want you (and your wallet) to come to the laser tag party too" I'd just answer "That's not an option."

SD "Why isn't it an option?"
Dad "Because your mother and I do not socialize together."
SD "Why"
Dad "Because I don't want to."
SD "Why"
Dad "I do not have to justify my social activities to you."

Agree not the kids choice, you do what you want to do. Let BM do what she wants to do
You will not pay for BM party

Of course you aren't mean for not funding the BM's family party for SD's B-day. Who give a crap about what the toxic blended family oppositions wants?

Why would you care what they want or think you are mean for not falling for BM's manipulative bullshit?

I would've told BM, sorry but your party arrangements has nothing to do with us, we already have plans and you are free to do what ever within your budget, cheers......

It's none of BM's business what DH can/cannot afford. She is not entitled to spend his money. This may not happen again, but if it does, the answer is just "No", without any explanation.

BM and DH did joint birthday parties the first two years after the split. It was he** for ss...he was only 4-5 at the time and BM insisted on taking "family pictures" like they used to (her arms around him, etc). This would lead to SS being in tears when it was time for DH to leave. The third year she invited DH again, he went, only to realize the only reason she wanted him to come was so he could pick up and drop off the rental chairs she ordered.
Needless to say we have done separate parties since then, the only problem now being how much money he spends.

Gosh this sounds like how my SD and BM would act!

For those who do separate parties how do you handle the guest list? Do the skids friends attend both parties? Or do they only invite certain friends to each party?

As a parent of a party guest I dont know if I would be thrilled taking my kid to little "Suzies" party a week after her other party.

For our sitch:

Munchkin sd11, for the past 3 years, has had pool parties at TBM's (Toxic BM)apartment complex, along with a sleepover. Pizza, soda, cake and pinata were provided by SO. So were pool noodles, and squirt guns.

This year, in May, I think Munchkin wants something smaller with a smaller group of friends. She said that previously it was all about the adults and drinking, and the first year she didnt even get to go swimming, although she begged TBM. TBM was too buzzed to go watch her.

Last years pool party we werent there much, because TBM wanted to chew out SO. We skedaddled, and enjoyed our day!

Looks like your SD talked her way out of a birthday party. Yay for you, enjoy your time away!