The last straw is quickly breaking me
My 17 year old step son is about to push me over the edge. He is the most ungrateful little turd I've ever encountered and I've worked with children as a teacher for many years.
Long story short, his bio father was a druggie/drunk that dropped dead of a heart attack at the age of 40 when SS was 12. I've been in SS's life since he was 5. His sister 21 is autistic, but high functioning, honor roll in college carrying a very high average. She's great, yeah we had some issues when she was younger, but now she's wonderful. But SS, OMG. This kid has it made. He's got every material thing he wants and then some. If we don't buy it, his grandparents do. He has a decent relationship with my wife, his mother. They get along really well and have their expected ups and downs. But with me, he basically tolerates me and is, and has been, resentful that I've been with his mother since day one, even before druggie daddy dropped dead. He'll talk to me when he sees fit, mostly about sports. I've tried to be lenient with him and let mom take the disciplinarian role, but that she's not at all. He's a good kid, to everyone but me. Everyone at school thinks he's wonderful, teachers and other parents praise how quiet and polite he is...there. He and I have gone at it a few times and I get pelted with curse words and insults. Mom just stands there and then tells me I'm too hard on him. LOL But tonight took the cake.
Wife and I were having dinner and talking about whatever when the topic of how hot it was in the house. I told her she should ask her son about turning up the thermostat and leaving it there. So she defends him, not just this time, but every time I say anything negative about him. This pisses me off to no end and I got up and told her to stop the BS and he's not the perfect child everyone thinks. We exchange words and then SS decides he needs to defend mom. So I get called a few choice words, F you, I hate you...etc. OK, I've had enough this time. I immediately go to his cell phone account and suspend his service. Mom isn't happy because once again, I'm being too hard on him. OK, you think that's hard? Next I take him off of our car insurance since I "can't" take his truck, I'll damn well make sure he can't drive it. Now mom is really mad and says I've always resented him since the day I walked into his life. Hmmmmmm, if that were the case, do you think I'd stay around for 12 years? I raised an autistic step daughter and this little turd. Do you really think if I resented him and also raising an autistic child I wouldn't have had enough a long time ago? So SS calls his granny and starts crying to her about what I did, this is my wife's mother btw, with who I get along really well. The grandparents live 8 miles down the road and 15 mins later, here come granny and grandpa. I knew this was gonna be good, so I had a seat in the living room waiting for my turn to talk. Grandpa comes over and asks what happened. Well you should know he's a preacher, one of those real god fearing types, nothing wrong with that and he's usually very reserved. I brief him on what SS and mom didn't tell him. His face got red as fire when I told him the choice words SS had for me. He grabs SS by the arm and escorts him outside with granny not far behind. I hear them giving him the what for and he comes back in, stares at me and yells "are you happy now?". Actually I was, to finally get someone on my side and give the kid what I couldn't. So now wife thinks I'm going to leave her high and dry since she's in school and not working. I'm working, supporting us, paying the all the bills and the money we have in the bank is from my parents estate, both of my parents are dead. Wife is crying about letting her find a job and leaving her the car my mother gave her....yada yada. She's trying to put me on a guilt trip. I have no intentions of going anywhere at that point, so I am really confused as to why she's blathering on about me splitting and leaving her penniless, which would never happen because her folks have plenty of money.
Anyhoo, now that I've had time to think about things I'm really wondering if I should endure another year and a half with SS until he graduates high school and joins the military or cut my losses because I can't handle being crapped on by him and mom supporting him when he does. I don't regret taking his phone or the insurance and I feel kinda good that I did. You might think this cruel of me feeling this way, but after all his rants and raves over the years, this is the first time I've ever punished him. My head is telling me to hit the road and don't look back, but I have so much invested in this relationship, mentally and financially. I still love my wife, but this rant she went on really makes me wonder how she really feels about me as a person after all we've been through and done for each other for the past 12 years. Honestly, I should've split when druggie daddy was still alive, however, I had a stroke 10 years ago and have a few health issues and I'm established with my doctors. It would be a bitch moving and splitting up our family. I have a place to go with a friend that lives in another state not too far from where I am now. It would devastate SD to no end. I really couldn't do that to her and would feel awful knowing she's probably fall apart if I left. So there's the conundrum I'm in. It's either stay and tolerate SS until he decides to leave or break SD's heart if I go. I'm so torn, but I'm not sure if my health, or my mind can take much more of this BS with mom and SS. I'm going to give it a week and if things don't feel like they are changing, then I'm outta here and everyone will have to deal with it. This sound cold? Anyone speak up and tell me what you think. I'd really love to hear someone else's opinion. I don't have any freinds close enough to talk to and I moved to where my wife lives, so I don't really know anyone here. I'm not going to seek counseling, it's not gonna help I know. Feel free to chime in. Yay or nay I stay or go.
Welcome fellow step
Welcome fellow step parent.
Yes you can hang in there for another 12-18 months..... why let the snot win after so many years??
You have to decide if you still love your wife or not, that's about the only decision you have to make, without thinking of the parasites sorry I mean skids
It's very easy, you simply disengage from the SS, you greet and that's about that, nothing more, you do not hing fro him and you fund nothing concerning him. you and your wife are equal partner in the marriage, she pays ha;f of house hold expenses and bond/rent... you pay the other half, and this will only be for the 2 off you, she needs to dish up for this ungrateful brat, thus now the split becomes 3rd for you and 2rds for her of all house hold expenses.
You do not get involved with SS in any way or form, if he's rude, ignore him, walk away, get a hobby to keep yourself busy, let DW deal with her own brat. If she asks for your help or advice, or tells you something what SS did, pretend to listen (men are very good at this
) then say mmmm, ok,,, I see and if she wants your input smile and say, You are such a good mum you know best... then change the subject.
It's very simple, disengage.
"Wife is crying about letting
"Wife is crying about letting her find a job" - Why does your wife need your permission to get a job.
No reason why she shouldn't be working with kids that age.
She wasn't asking permission.
She wasn't asking permission. She is in school and she assumed he was going to leave her so she was asking him to stay long enough for her to get a job....
Stay and keep cracking down
Stay and keep cracking down in his misbehavior. Cancel the insurance if he disrespects you again. Give this new course time to take full effect. Hold your course see how your wife responds. She can always leave. Congrats! That had to feel good. So glad her parents are on your side.
Just tell your DW that it is
Just tell your DW that it is time for her son to be a man and be honorable like his grandfather and not behave rudely and bite the hand that feeds him. It is time he becomes a better person than his late father. The cell phone will be turned back on when he gets a part time job. He does not NEED a cell phone. It is still a luxury. Kids just think they will die without one. He will be able to drive the truck again when he mans up and apologises.
You have realized it is time for a change. And also the 'young buck' is challenging the herd leader. But unlike a pride of lions it isn't a battle of strength but all the extras like a phone and a truck. Just be careful the boy doesn't have access or can steal your c/card.
If your wife wants to split up over a suspended cell phone and vehicle insurance she either is trying to be dramatic or values her son's 'stuff' than respecting you.
My own DH goes above and
My own DH goes above and beyond for my own little sh*t of a BS17. Honestly, the man deserves a medal for all that he does. However, at the end of the day, I'm the bio parent and if I thought my DH was acting out of spite or retaliation, I would pitch a fit, too. You have a smug attitude and it made me sad that you couldn't refer to the kids' dad without adding "druggie" to it. I feel sad for your SS that he's caught up in all of this drama and conflicting emotions and his body is going haywire with development. He might also feel like his needs have always come second to his sister's. This can't be fun for any of you.
The kid lost his dad, pure and simple. Your wife feels like she has to be his champion. That's natural. Maybe you all should try some family therapy? Your FIL might even have someone he can recommend.
Interesting point you bring
Interesting point you bring up about possible resentment due to having an older sib with a disability. Does the SS feel his sister gets more attention?
Still, it sounds to me like the mom parents out of guilt. Losing a parent doesn't justify spoiling or lowering expectations for a kid. My own father died when I was 12, and thankfully my mother didn't cut me any slack. This little Oedipus has resented his SF for years, with mommy defending him. He probably should have been in therapy years ago.
Mom is the crux of the issue, and if she can't get her priorities straight there's no point in sticking around. OP, why not go for some marriage counseling with a therapist experienced in blended family issues? A few sessions should give you clarity. If you stay, your wife needs to prioritize your relationship and change how she parents. And if she won't, you can move on knowing that you tried. As for your SD, she's an adult so you can still have a loving itrelationship with her.
Good for you for issuing a
Good for you for issuing a consequence! Probably something you should have done a long time ago.
Stand your ground with SS. You haven't done anything harmful and hopefully he just might realize that he shouldn't take your generosity for granted.
Your wife's reaction might be coming from insecurities. She is bound to feel insecure by not having a job at this time. Maybe her reaction was an inner fear that came out amidst the chaos.
So she thinks you're going to
So she thinks you're going to leave her, you weren't planning to, but now you're questioning it.
It wasn't enough to make you leave before.
She's gotten a bit of a reality check.
However, her reality check seems to point out the THINGS she'd miss... she wants things from you, not so much you... the car, time...
On the other hand - now that her dad is involved in dealing with the brat, maybe things will get better for you...maybe she'll finally smarten up.
YOU are paying for everything - and you don't have to. If your wife is so concerned about her son having stuff, she can finance it. If she doesn't, then he doesn't get it.
If I pay for it, I've bought myself some authority - high time the kid learns you don't bite the hand that feeds.
This is exactly what I
This is exactly what I thought, I agree full heartedly with secret, wife seems more caught up in "stuff" than her heart.
Funny that your wife who doesn't work is pissed you cut off the insurance that you pay for to provide for her child after he told you f*ck you. I wouldn't pay crap for any one that told me fu*k you, period.
Perhaps the best thing at
Perhaps the best thing at this stage would be for you to disengage completely, and that includes financial support for him in any way, shape or form.
You must recognize that having had one stroke you are susceptible to another. And you are not getting any younger. Was your wife supportive of you during this time when you needed her - or did she make her son a priority then, too? The answer will be telling.
You also assume that you will only have another year and a half with SS in the house. The reality may be quite different. He may not be accepted into the military or may wash out of basic. Instead, he may decide to take one or two college courses and sit at home the rest of the time, coddled to by his mom.
Your wife does seem to be dependent on your financial support, so encouraging her to go out and get a job may be for the best. This may actually be a win-win for both of you. If you no longer will financially support SS, she must go out and find a job even if it's part-time. It will help her develop a sense of independence. And it may educate both her and the SS that money doesn't just fall from trees.
The grandparents may have seemed to be on your side but don't take that to the bank! Keep in mind, if you do split from their daughter they will probably be responsible for both her and the kids - financially and otherwise. Naturally they would rather have you around than assume that responsibility, so if giving you a few platitudes or making a show of it accomplishes appeasing you of course they will do it! But don't be fooled - if push ever comes to shove, they will ultimately take their daughter and SS's side.
If I were you, I would ensure that I have my financial house in order so that your wife doesn't ultimately have the ability to blow through your money (and your inheritance) if anything should happen to you. It would be a shame for you to be languishing from bad health effects, perhaps house-bound, while your wife indulges whatever whims your SS wants.
She's in school, I assume, to
She's in school, I assume, to help improve everyone's life.
I do have a real question:
I do have a real question: why did you single out SS when the topic of the house temperature came up? Like, why not say "we need to have a house meeting about this" or "let's look into one we can control with our phones to keep the bills lower"?
This is bad. Very bad IMHO.
This is bad. Very bad IMHO. Bad for you particularly. Though I can somewhat understand your DW's position... her actions indicate that you are primarily her meal ticket and not her equity life partner.
If you do choose to leave there is no need to discontinue your relationship with your daughter.
She is an adult and you can do an adult adoption in a heartbeat. At least we (my son and I) did one when my SS-25 asked me to adopt him when he was 22. Once we called our attorney it took 4 days to complete the adoption. I suggest that you look into it in order to maintain the stable relationship that you and your adult SD have. That could be an effective way for you to give her assurance that you will remain her dad. My son is absolutely clear that I am his dad, my parents are his GPs, my brother is his uncle and my niece and nephews are his cousins.
He has papers and a new birth certificate making me his dad and he my son and a Rags. He has always been one... but we now have the paperwork.
Initiating an adoption of your adult SD could be the shot across your DW's bow that would get her to a state of clarity that you are not planning on going anywhere .... unless she fails to get her perspective on dealing with her son under control. Calming your special needs daughter. And positioning yourself effectively either to depart or stay... whichever the situation dictates as the most prudent courts.
Your ILs definitely seem to be strong allies in this situation.
Take care of you and good luck.
What is this plan to join the
What is this plan to join the military? I wouldn't bank on that. It's not that easy to get in and something like 70% of young adults don't qualify. With his maturity level I'm not seeing that happening without an attitude change. It's true if he gets in he will have to change his attitude real quick if he wants to be successful but the old days of the military making a man (or woman as the case may be) out of a person with real behavior issues (as in military vs jail) are long gone. They want people who want to be there. It could work out great for him or he could not be accepted at all, wash out of training, or be administratively discharged if he doesn't measure up.
I'm curious whose idea is it and is it realistic? Is he getting in shape physically and mentally for this commitment? Has he spoken with recruiters and people serving now?
I agree that many people
I agree that many people still wrongly assume that military service is somehow a one-stop-shop to fix all that ails an immature (or worse) kid.
I've seen many comments on this forum and others where a drop out, drug-addled, previously jailed or otherwise unacceptable young adult is supposedly "going into the military" where they will be miraculously cured (and more importantly, out of the hair of their parents who couldn't handle them).
Yeah, right.