You're the best! The "discussion" is scheduled for tomorrow early evening, after work. DH has proposed three weeks because he is a die-hard and doesn't take my advice -- he never did know how to handle her But, his decision, and more power to him. I hope it works out.

I am working on keeping myself suitably distanced from caring about the outcome. I love my skids with all my heart, but if I freak out about the decisions as if they were my own kids, I will never make it through this marriage. It's an impossible tightrope, ain't it? You're asked to, and want to, love them as your own -- but don't dare ever make the mistake of trying "to be their mom". It's enough to make one's head explode.

BM indicates in another email that she thinks that *any* all day program (9-4) even for 3 weeks (and presumably 1 or 2 weeks) is "too much" b/c "the kids need free play time every day" (underline "every day"). From that perspective, it was much better having them in the daycare program they hated last summer, instead of an actual activity. BM says that "her compromise" is letting them go to a regular school during the school year, and letting them come to Germany with us and their grandma at the end of the summer for two weeks.

First, BM has complained lately that she thinks the kids' first and third grade homework loads are too high, and made random noises during pick ups about wouldn't it be great if the kids were in a waldorf or similar program (like their stepsister, who is physically and mentally disabled and cannot attend regular school). But she has never, ever put the question squarely to DH, so I'm not sure why she's setting this up as a "give up" on her part. When I started probing the issue a bit with DH last night he said well, the issue is not really that I'm categorically against an alternative education, the issue is really that that type of program requires MORE parent involvement, not less, and from what I've seen neither BM nor her new hubby are willing or able to provide that kind of parenting/educational energy. And we only have them 25% time (mostly weekends).

He's right on, of course. BM is actually asking for Non-Education, as opposed to Alternative Education. We have lots of people in our lives who provide non-school learning opportunities for their kids, regardless whether their kids go to regular or alternative school. A friend of BM's, for example, had her daughter dress up her doll Amelia as Amelia Earhart and taught her all about Earhart, and then sent the doll off on a journey around the country like Earhart. It was a really cute family project and was featured in the school newsletter. BM has NEVER provided the kids with these kind of learning opportunities; she was a stay at home mom for eight years and never once set up any kind of language, cultural, historical, art or other personal learning opportunity for the kids.

Second, the concept that our two week trip to Germany at the end of the summer is a "give up" that is relevant to what the kids do all summer makes my head explode. DH has the right to take the kids for THREE consecutive weeks each year. Where we go and what we do is really not in her power to veto. Plus, it's just irrelevant to what the kids do all day in the summer. More, if she's serious about non-traditional non-structured learning opportunties, I've never heard of a better one than travel. We are having fun when we have the kids on weekends teaching them German words and learning about Germany on a "hey, check this out" kind of basis. It's perfect.

I don't have a single disagreement with either the importance of avoiding overscheduling kids, or the importance of "free, imaginative play". Putting the kids in a 9-4 summer activity program for 2-3 weeks out of a whole summer does no violence to either of those values. The real push-back is a passive-aggressive attempt by BM to validate herself and her values, b/c her lack of energy to engage in anything interesting, ever, and esp. anything physical but really anything, was an issue during DH and her marriage, and now, if she allows the kids to be raised according to values of participation, energy and learning, she's impliedly admitting that he was right and she was wrong, and that there's something lacking in her.

DH is actually glad she sent the email about her compromise being school and the trip to Germany, b/c it crystallizes her position in a way that would have been impossible to convey to any third party otherwise.

My SD does fantastic with imaginative free play. She's really amazing. I protect and encourage her opportunities to engage in that. In fact, I got her a homemade hodge-podge craft kit for Christmas, made up of stickers and wood blocks and glue and sparklies and ribbons etc. She is so creative and imaginative, it is amazing. She really doesn't need to be encouraged in this, it's inherent. But, my SD desperately needs opportunities to interact with other kids on a physical-social level. She is so shy, it is painful. The only times I see her light up with confidence is when we've taught her a physical skill, like swimming or skiing, that she can then show off to kids around her. The difference in her is amazing. Why can't BM see and appreciate this? Isn't it the job of parents to help encourage and shape the *underdeveloped* aspects of a child's personality, to help them with the HARD stuff, not just the stuff that comes natural? I'm all for praising and encouraging her creativity, but the biggest gift she could possibly be given is to learn confidence in herself amongst other kids on a physical level. It will change her life. I can see her taking baby steps toward this whenever she's with us, but as I've mentioned she regresses wholecloth after a week of soaking in her mother's energy.

My SS, on the other hand, is neither creative nor imaginative, except when he's in school and forced to write or tell stories, in which case he's brilliant. But he won't do these things for fun anymore, no matter how much encouragement one gives, because he's 9!! We encourage song-writing, tree-climbing, airplane-flying, kite-designing, pirate ship building, book reading, story writing --you name it. And all he does is whine about how "he doesn't want to do those things, can he please watch a movie or play his video game" -- b/c he's a normal 9 year old boy!!!!! He NEEDS structured opportunities in order to even engage in the "free imaginative play" that BM professes to value. I cannot figure out how she cannot see this. Left to his own devices, he won't do any of it. More, I can see this kid clearly. He is a wonderful, sweet kid with a loving heart. But he is prone to wanting to be cool and giving in to peer pressure. He doesn't have good judgement or decision making skills. He is apt to take short cuts on everything. He is, pure and simple, the kind of kid that NEEDS structure, or we are going to have one hell of a difficult teenager on our hands. He needs to be surrounded by scheduled activities--music, language, sports, whatever--or he will take that boredom and go experiment with things he shouldn't be getting in to. I predict this with the utmost confidence, mark my words. I was one of those kids. Structure would have changed my life.

But, they are not my kids, right. I can only encourage DH to respect BM's viewpoint and to try to find a compromise solution that respects both values. The problem seems to be that he's willing to compromise, and she's not; also that while she makes it sound like she values alternative, creative, holistic education and tries to paint him into a traditionalist, germanic, disciplinarian corner, those characterizations are simply not true. If she wanted to put effort into teaching the kids through alternative methods, I would support her. But that's not what she's demanding in reality. She wants no structured lesson plan, no homework, no disclipine needed from the kids. She and her hubby won't teach them anything at home because "it's too structured"; so they don't teach them anything at all. She would allow the kids to self-actualize into lumps on the couch, out of spite for her ex husband and in defense of herself. It is so frustrating to watch. But DH won't allow that, so we set ourselves up for ten more years of struggle.

Do you know what DH told her yesterday, in response to her email that said: "I just can't see us coming to a meeting of the minds without professional help." He said, mediation will be helpful in providing a co-parenting decision-making process, but it is not going to serve as a tie-breaker every time we have to make a difficult co-parenting decision of the kinds that will face us more and more frequently over the next 10 years. So we need to talk on Friday, and we need to do our level best to find a compromise approach that respects each of our values and desires for the kids' happiness.

He is such a prince. Oh sure, he's a big prat sometimes, but when it comes down to it, I dearly love him and think he's the greatest.

It feels great to spill all of it out here. Otherwise, I'm spilling it all out to my own email account and then sending the email to myself. Like many of us, I don't get to talk to anyone else about this stuff.

Tonight is the discussion. At present I am feeling frustrated with dealing with a person who doesn't want their kids to have exposure to music, sports, etc., or to learn self-discipline, who lets her kids quit everything they start, and rarely encourages them to start anything. Why do I care? Because I love these kids. Because DH cares and I love him.

Even so, I find myself in a very uncomfortable place. I've never been one to get upset about what someone else is doing or not, and why or why not. Even among my family and friends. It's just not my way of being; I have always been very easygoing and shrug my shoulders "whatever" sort of person. Perhaps even a little too much--I have always sort of withdrawn and just don't give a crap about the drama of family, friends, co-workers, even when perhaps I should. (That's a complicated defense mechanism, I've figured out over the years.) But I've noticed others say that as SMs and not-first wives, they find themselves being sensitive about things they've never been sensitive about before in their lives. So with me.

This morning I am feeling resentful that what should be a relatively peaceful task--negotiating summer activities (i.e., how about they do the class for two weeks and they do what you want for the rest of the summer)--has to turn into several looooooong Mama Drama sessions. I am resentful that b/c of BM's personality, DH has to spend so much time just negotiating her feelings. I am feeling full of resentment and disgust this morning over the whole thing. I have a long, hard work day ahead of me. And then comes the end of the day and I have to go distract myself while my husband goes and coddles his ex wife's feelings for an hour and a half. Shopping, anyone? Ugh. I should go pummel a punching bag or something.