SD is on FACEBOOK 24/7
I am really concerned about this, when she is at our place she barely comes out of her room, only speaks to her father, and I'm really tired of it. I want to take her TV and internet until she tries to sociallize with everyone else....I find it extremely strange. I confronted her this weekend and told her she doesn't have to come to our house if she doesn't want to but I wasn't allowing her to stay in her room for another weekend...Was I wrong to do this? We are getting further and further away from a "family". She is a spoiled little girl and hates sharing with us but OMG this is not normal at all. I go on FaceBook, look her up and she is getting new friends daily. (This is when she is at her Mother's) I believe she is on the internet all the time. No one seem to know what she is doing, they are happy she is not requiring attention. She is not involved in any activities, something my kids are. I am always running my kids and i keep trying to get my DH to get her into SOMETHING....Her BM really discourages this b/c she doesn't like taking her. Her BM gets all the money for CS and doesn't want to spend any on SD... When they were sharing custody she was in Cheerleading and Horse back riding, DH paid for it. As soon as its BMs turn to pay, she drops of of everything and I'm the only one that seems upset about it all. Being a SM is frustrating basically you are susposed to care and love this child but if you have concerns or worry there is absolutely NOTHING you can do because the birth parents don't seem to be worried or care 
They have her soooooo spoiled that she does whatever she wants and basically no one WANTS to be around her......Please someone give me some advice...
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Oh this sounds familiar
My SS is 11 and he is exactly the same. When I got tired of him being an xbox junkie and being on it the whole time he was here, I said something after hearing him wail and scream for 2 years everytime he was told to get off it to go out or come to the dinner table. I laid out rules through Dh of course and I turned into the big bad rule master destroying his relationship with his father. So he turned it into 'he doesn't like me and doesn't want to come anymore' and his father is allowed to see him but only if me and the other 2 kids aren't there.
So as you can see I have no advice but certainly a scenario of what could happen if you take away these things. I would do it again because I cared and wanted to try to teach him that he can have fun with his family as his mum is the same, xbox shuts him up and she doesn't have to deal with him. I think it sucks but he is missing out on me and my kids and the positive things we could teach him about being a real family that he will never learn with his mother, but that is not to be at this point anyway, maybe one day he will regret being a spoilt brat, but I doubt it!!
Good luck.
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
Limit the Time
Limit the time on the internet. My SS is addicted to the internet so I only allow him an hour a day period. Anymore than that I pull the wireless card which disables the internet on his computer.
Sorry I should also have clarified...
That they were my rules, we put limitations on the xbox, no more than 2 hours in one sitting and at least a 2 hour break with an outside activity before he could return to the xbox. Sounds light huh? This was considered very harsh Cruella by my SS, your SS must have freaked out at you for one hour a day!! LOL.
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
Weekend
No my SS is actually a teenager and one of the best behaved teenagers I know of all time. He just goes with the flow. When the games are shut down he goes outside and finds his friends which is what I want him to do. Now the little ones are another story. OMG I can't believe they are even related with thier behavior. I am sure I seem like Hitler to them but Frankly my dear....... LOL I LOVE Gone with the Wind. Sorry coffee hasn't quite kicked in and I am a bit goofy.
I will bend a bit on the weekends. I just want the children to concentrate on school during the week. Now I can't say what they do at BM's house during the summer. They know they have rules in this house and the rules are different in hers.
Lucky you!!
Sounds like my teenage son, he just goes to the skate bowl with his mates, he used to invite SS to go with him when he came and try to get him to have fun and involved with his friends (they are only 3 years apart) But ss would be whining to come home as soon as those 2 hours were up and BS got annoyed that he wouldn't join in, so that ended that!! And as you say at BM's we had no choice, so I wonder now why I bothered, I could have enjoyed the peace but thats what you get for caring huh?
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
Limits
I agree with Cruella, she needs limits. But they need to come from DH. If he's not on the same page with you on this, that's your problem, not the SD. If he does agree with you then you and him need to sit down and talk about this and come up with the limits you believe works best for you. And then he needs to sit SD down and tell them to her. AND he needs to reinforce them. If you notice she is breaking the rule you may need to ignore it and just talk with DH later... or find a way to point it out to him so he can reprimand her for it right then. If it looks like the rules are coming from you and you are the only one who pushes them it will lead ot resentment. But if DH is on board and understands this he can make this work.
These are our rules regarding technology, I know this won't work for everyone, but just to share:
No more than 1 hr on the computer per day.
No computer or TV in the kids room; this is an important one!! It's best when a computer is in a high traffic area so you can monitor what is being looked at.
No cell phone or TV during homework, dinner, or after bedtime.
There was resitance at first, but being consistent and not bending is the key. Once kids realize that the rules are the rules they do not test them. If they know that testing the rules will work sometimes, then why wouldn't they push it? SS13 has adjusted wonderfully to the rules and just goes with it. He had a bad attitude for awhile, but caught on and is fine now. He knows what to expect for punishments and limits and kids really thrive off of this sort of consistency.
The no phone at dinnertime works great to get us all sitting down and talking together. We eat dinner at the same time and have no distractions. I wonder if this might help with the SD. Also, maybe a ritual of some sort where you always talk about the best thing that happened to you that day or something to get everyone involved in the conversation.
Again, I know it doesn't work the same for everyone, but I know this has worked wonders for us! Good luck!!
Thanks
thanks for all the advice. My main concern is the people that she is chatting with online...all of which seem at least 5 years older...i feel like she is setting up for a bad situation. She thinks she is so grown up (she's 12) makes her own rules but is really not mature enough to handle what could happen to her! I would never let the boys get into that kind of situation and I guess I really question the judgement of her birth parents...do they think we live in a safe world, that NOTHING will happen to THEIR child only other peoples??? It is frustrating. I would love to sit her down and talk to her but she thinks I'm just MEAN and doesn't understand that I just care. Maybe it is the age, the I know what is best for me and I just KNOW everything attitude??? Funny, I think right now is the time that she needs the most rules and the most guidance not when she needs to be left on her own and HOPE she is making the right decisions.
Internet Nanny!
We don't actually have it, but SS thinks we do! He limits his time and what he does on our home computer because he is under the impression that we have the software to monitor his activities.
At first, SS yelled and threw a fit. He said it was an invasion of his privacy. Dh told him that until he is over 18 and paying rent, we are not only able to monitor his computer use, but are obligated as parents to do so.
We are going to get the actual software, but haven't gotten around to it.
The whole internet/myspace stuff scares me too. At our house anyway, we know SS is safe on the net.
Tell me more...
Sadly, and stupidly in my opinion, my DH bought my SD a laptop for Christmas!! She is 12 and she had her own laptop, with her own passwords, no one gets on it but her....don't you think that is asking for trouble?? Can you install the software on her laptop? Would that work? I really don't have a clue hehe...I was really upset with the laptop and I expressed my concerns but he was having a BM spun guilt moment and she got what she wanted. I was having a hard time with her being on our house computer but we could go in to history and check what she was doing once in a while and we could walk into the room any time, now OMG she can sit in her bed with the door shut....
The internet can be a dangerous place
and it scares me. Luckily, it also scares DH, so we're united on this. SS is 13. Yes, it can be loaded onto her laptop.
If I were you, I would talk to dh and make sure, first and foremost, that you're in agreement. Then, I would have DH do the talking to SD.
In our house, the internet is not a right. It is a privledge. I would make sure SD took the password off and that you had access to monitor her usage. Then yes, install the software and tell her it's there. If she doesn't agree to it, then no laptop for her. Kind of like when my SS was younger.... no helmet, no skateboard.
We've gone as far as having SS watch a Dateline special of "To Stop a Preditor" (or something like that). We want him to know what is out there and how some people are not safe or normal. SS knows he should never put his name, age, or location on a public page.
There are a lot of products you can buy and install to watch and protect kids on the internet. Some will block certain sites, some will record where they go AND what they type and recieve, some will only record the sites they visit. What you want to get will depend on your needs/wants. Type 'Parental Internet Monitoring' into a search engine and you will get a lot of options. You can also buy software from stores like Best Buy.
Good luck!!
Thank you
I'll have a chat with DH tonight...I'm glad someone else is showing concern, I'm tired of the you worry too much comment!! I don't think we worry enough!
You're welcome
I have to laugh. I hear that pretty often from DH about worrying too much. I don't think I worry too much. I tell him I just worry enough for both of us and try to take the worry burden off from him
There is a great program
that we use. We have a computer in BS's room (16) that SD11 also uses. I downloaded XPCSpy pro on that machine. It sends detailed reports via e-mail of all activity on the computer including keystrokes and sites visited from any user. We told both kids that the computer is in our name therefore we are responsible for the content and that content would be monitored by us. We found SD11 was chatting with people that she did not know in other states. Scared us, so we believe it was worth the $50.00. Good luck.
Thank you evilsm! I've been
Thank you evilsm! I've been in the market for some kind of spyware...I'm going to look the one that you have up! Do you have a website by chance?
SD is up to something..
Definitely install a spyware of some sort to find out what is going on.
This post sounds EXACTLY
This post sounds EXACTLY like my SD12! She is on AIM, facebook and whatever else the kids go on now. I am going to put the spyware on without telling DH because he just thinks SD is an angel and I see better. I just think he doesn't want to see anything bad so he won't have to be the "bad guy"...