Did I say the wrong thing?
Over the weekend, SD brought up her birthday, which is coming up in 2 months. I was very proud of her for a) bringing it up with us at all and b) bringing it up so far in advance because up until now the way things have worked is that BM and SD discuss something and BM presents what they decided, thus either running our household from afar or making us out to be the villains when we can't or won't go by what they're demanding of us.
So SD's 12th birthday falls on a Friday, which just so happens to be our weekend this year. In years past, basically SD begs BM to be "allowed" to see her dad on her birthday and BM tells him the time he is allotted, always during the day (yes, he works 9-5!) and with her present. Last year, they had a picnic lunch like the cutesy little "family unit" that BM still pretends they are and then she graciously allowed him to stay with her on his own for an hour and I came with our then 11-month-old to blow out candles and play on the playground for a little bit. (I guess this was her compromise.) It was nice, but for both of us to take off work for a) BF to spend a couple of hours with BM (yuck!) and b) me to get a measly 55 minutes with SD and lots of time in the car, was less than ideal.
So I thought - oh good, this year we'll be able to just pick SD up at 6pm like the court order states and have our celebration on our terms and she'll celebrate with BM during the day. Oh? Did I think wrong? You bet! So SD announces to her dad that for her birthday day, she'd like to have lunch with Mommy and Daddy and go watch the new Harry Potter movie together in the afternoon. All he said was, "well, your mom and I will discuss it and get back to you" so as to not put her in the middle and not make any promises until the adults (including me) made a decision together. Well, she insisted she get an answer NOW and asked "well, don't you want to do this for my birthday?" and "Daddy, why won't you just tell me?" and he was very firm and just kept repeating "the adults will discuss it, SD. This is the very thing that Family Based Therapy is trying to accomplish with us, a new way of communicating. It may be hard to adjust, but we have to learn the proper way to handle things."
I was proud of him and I should have just. left. it. at. that. But no, I had to put my 2 cents in. I said something along the lines of "you know, when parents split up, usually the kids get two separate birthday celebrations in the two households. Like for me, I've had 21 birthdays since my parents split up and not one of them was celebrated with both parents together because that's just the way it was. I often didn't even get to see my dad on my birthday at all because we lived so far apart, so you're lucky that your two homes are close enough together. But anyway, we would have our own celebration on the next weekend or whatever. It was nice to have a birthday that would just keep on going! What I'm saying is, maybe this is something to discuss with Family Based Therapy and see what they think is the healthy thing to do because spending the day with both parents seems like it is setting up a false sense of reality and the reality is that now you have two families."
Am I being insensitive to her one birthday wish? Or does this child need a little dose of reality? I feel bad because she just sort of sat there with her head drooped down, looking so dejected as I talked. I asked her how she felt about what I said and she said that she didn't agree and that she knew her parents weren't getting back together and all she wanted was to be together for her birthday. I asked her why, only because when I was growing up, it never even occurred to me to ask for a birthday celebration with both my parents - because they weren't together anymore. After a long pause, she said, "because that's how it always was before they separated." I didn't respond to that, I just said "ok, I think it's a good idea to talk this through with Family Based and get their input." But all I was thinking was, yeah well a lot of things are different from before they were separated, like living in different homes for example?
My fiance and I discussed it after we dropped SD off, and we thought a good compromise might be for him to leave a little early that day, to spend an hour or two with SD and BM before our 6pm pickup, at which point, I'll come get them and we'll be on our merry way. That way, he doesn't have to take the day off work (keeping in mind that I'll be 9+ months pregnant and wanting him to reserve as many days as possible for 'paternity leave') and SD can still have a bit of time with both her parents, just not ALL DAY, which is so unnatural and weird and uncomfortable, considering how the 364 other days of the year, BM is doing everything in her power to hurt us. He hates the fakey-fakey nicey-nicey act. It seriously makes bile rise to his throat. But anything for SD! (Within reason...) 
Anyway, my fiance called SD tonight and spoke to her (yay! so rare!) but she was super upset about what I had said about her birthday. She thought I was saying that it definitely wouldn't happen (I wonder if BM rewrote history again? because that's not what I was trying to say, I was trying to present another point of view - what is your opinion, based on what I've written?) He reassured her that I wasn't saying that, that I was explaining how it had been when my parents split, that I would never say things wouldn't happen until all the adults had talked and made a decision. He thanked her for bringing it up and being open and honest because that is SO important for a good family relationship and he told her he loved her.
I hope I didn't say the wrong thing. I don't want to hurt the poor girl. She has enough pain in her life!
- Caitlin's blog
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I'm kind of with you on this one. I'm also a child of divorced parents, have been since I was 7. It never, ever occurred to me to request that my parents be in the same place for any special occasion after that. In fact, my parents made each other so openly and visibly miserable that I never WANTED to see them in the same place at the same time.
I'm wondering if she brought this up at the urging of BM. Perhaps she (BM) sent this feeler out several weeks in advance to see what type of a reaction the idea would get, and sent it through SD because she thought you might be more open to the idea if you thought it came from her. Forgive me if our BM has turned me into a conspiracy theorist but it seems like a definite possibility.
I don't think you were too harsh, and I think it was good of you to give your input and draw on your past experiences to give advice from an insider's perspective. I'm not very happy with SD's reaction, though. It makes me wonder, why this child whose parents have been separated for so long would want them to be together when she knows how hard that is for them to do.
BTW - I'm very proud of your DH for his reaction!
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Same here...
I know for a fact that my SS LOVES having the two separate households, because he gets DOUBLE the presents, and I loved it too... because I got DOUBLE the presents. LOL. She probably has never experienced that to really get a grasp or understanding on it.
Well, one thing that bears to mind is that you have to remember that this is all this little girl knows... DH jumping through hoops and BM manipulating the situation in her best interest... so this is SD's comfort zone trying to, once again, have Mom and Dad- together again. By merely suggesting taking her out of her comfort zone, she panics and stresses. It's not the response that she is accustom to, and she may be also trying to presume the reaction of BM, she is probably attempting to avoid an issue on her special day. But honestly, I believe that this separation of the two households does need to take effect. A clear defined separation needs to be made at one point, is it now? I don't know. We can't keep SD in a house of glass forever while you are attempting to repair the foundation... which is sand. It was a dose of reality, but she does need to be reminded that things are not always going to go in her favor either, they are not always what we want, and we all have to come to work together.
I think that compromising can somewhat work, but it does still enforce SD's dream of Mom and Dad- together. I would diffidently have this brought up with the counselors and get their opinion or suggestions. We have to remember that even as manipulative as BM is, SD still has her own thoughts and feelings. It's easy for us to dismiss them as- oh that's BM talking- but watch her body language closely, and you can figure out what is a genuine concern of HERS or her mothers.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
You're not wrong, Caitlin.
She's still trying to get Mommy and Daddy together, even if it's just for one day, so she can perpetuate this fantasy for whatever amount of time she has. Whether she realizes it or not, whether this is her intention or not, whether the idea is being fed to her by her mother or not, this is what's happening. I would think for this child in particular, keeping it separate is a must. Part of what's feeding into her problems is the fact that her parents aren't separate enough. How can she ever hope to accept a two-household family when all she knows is Daddy coming to spend special days with her and Mommy, and you and her siblings being left out of everything? It's not like they are even semi-divorced. It's like he's not really moved on, just "away" on business or something. It is time for a reality check. A gentle one, yes, but it's definitely time. (Past time!)
~ Anne ~
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Thanks, ladies
I just felt so bad for upsetting SD that I regretted saying anything, but I have to remember that it's her horrible situation that makes her sad, not me. Facing the reality of her home life makes her sad, but the sooner she can fully accept having two households (and she HAS, in so many other ways) then the sooner she can move on and just be happy. Having these conversations is the only way to get there I suppose - I guess I just don't like being the one to rock the boat!
I shared your posts with my fiance and he will definitely carry your input with him to the Family Based Therapy appointment tonight. (He says thanks so much for the support, by the way!) I hope they will discuss this tonight, we never know what will come up in these sessions. I have a feeling that it is at the forefront of SD's mind so she'll probably bring it up.
Oh, and by the way - like you, I suspect that BM is behind this. Interesting that I didn't even need to suggest it and all 3 of you brought it up. (You know us well!) Regardless of where SD got the idea though, we just need to deal with it so I didn't even bring up the notion, but I'm right there with you.
Just wanted to echo the
Just wanted to echo the thoughts of the other ladies...you weren't wrong at all for what you said to SD, which was the truth. And it sounds like you put it very gently and kindly. It also seems like you and DF are very supportive of SD and careful of her feelings, and really work to ensure that she's able to successfully adjust to life in a blended family. You are a VERY good parent and so is your DF.
I honestlty believe that the sooner SD starts to "get it" that life is different now, the better off she'll be. I know it's her birthday, but the fact is that perpetuating a false reality on ANY day is only going to cause regression. I'm sure that she has wonderful memories of her M&D being together, and she doesn't have to purge them from her mind, but from here on in, new memories will be made that not only reflect the situation but also the love and adoration that you all clearly have for this child. You are doing a great job:)
Oh, and just wanted to say that you behaved very selflessly (is that a word? lol) in this situation. I know that what SD might've caused a little sting, but you put HER feelings first, and that is so great.
K
I don't think you did
anything wrong. Birthdays are always hard I think. This year 7 y/o ss birthday fell on mother's day. We had my family down to celebrate the weekend before. The next Friday his mom had a bowling party for him & he told bm he wanted to invite us. Probably a good thing as only two kids showed up & the other two didn't even call to decline. Our BM is pretty frugal so she didn't get a party room just ordered pizza & brought in cupcakes. We paid for the pop. All in all it was a good time. However the boys know that BM is happy with her BF & daddy with me. Also their mom is not a lunatic and can be enjoyable at times.
Infact last night was DH's birthday & both boys told me that I was the best step mom & that I was the best wife daddy could have. ( I think the key is the boys know that their parents are NOT good together and fought ( and continue to) they see that daddy is happier with me & bm with bf.
I think your step daughter has to see that her dad is happier with you, butr BM has her so wrapped up in her drama. God only knows what garbage that woman is feeding her.
In your case seperate is better. Unless you want to get a sitter & go with them to dinner & a movie. I bet BM would love that.
You did the right thing.
It is only fair that someone speak to her that "things" just are not like they used to be. She is not going to like it. Lord knows I would not like hearing it either. But things have changed in her life and it is just more confusing to her for some things to remain the same and some not. I know you guys are doing the family based therapy- but she needs to see you and Dad as a united front (a secure family base) Are they not supportive of this? Is there too much time without you in the picture? Just wondering-
Definityly know how hard it is dealing with a manipulitive ex. I completely feel for ya.
Wifi
You guys are the best
Thank you all so much for reinforcing what I know to be right, because I sometimes allow myself to be manipulated into thinking otherwise. (Like, if SD was that upset, I must've been wrong to open my big fat mouth, that type of thing.)
You know, if BM would allow SD to do combined birthdays with ALL the family, it would be a different story. As much as it makes my skin crawl to be in the same room as BM, I do it for SD, and with a smile on my face. We did it for her elementary school graduation last year (we all went out to lunch together after the ceremony) and we survived! At the time, I thought we were making progress, but that was really the only time that BM didn't actively try to exclude me, so I think it may have just been a fluke.
The fact of the matter is, BM still needs help moving on. (4+ years after separation!) SD needs help not with moving on, but with not continuing to adopt her mother's feelings out of a sense of loyalty and protectiveness. This birthday is a perfect opportunity to show SD that Daddy and Caitlin are willing to have a co-birthday celebration, but perhaps Mommy is not because Mommy is only happy if Caitlin is out of the picture. I'm hoping that perhaps this can be addressed tonight so the therapists can see first hand just how BM pulls the strings and SD is her puppet. SD really has moved on and accepted her new family - she gravitates toward me, she adores her baby sister and is already in love with her unborn sister as she shows with kisses and conversations with my belly. What we do know is that BM has not accepted her daughter's new family and SD is just super protective of her mom's feelings, and puts them before her own. We need to present it as Daddy is a package deal now and any co-celebrations will not exclude anyone.
Thanks for helping me find clarity!
Separate a must...
Unfortuantely that is the life some children must lead that parents divorce. they have to relize that the parents are no longer one unit and you can't keep pretending they are. We always have separate parties. Hang in there she will grow to understand.
Live for today,you may not have a tommorow
Hello.. Yep its happy..
This little girl really does need a dose of reality. I mean I am sorry for her "drama mama" (BM) but in all actuality her mom is putting a lot of stuff in her head, which is very sad. But this little girl is living in "Cinderella Valley". Basically if you pretend for that one day what is that going to do, make her wish for more time with mommy and daddy alone..
Caitlyn, I have to ask does she call them mommy and daddy? I mean I am thinking 11 is kinda old to be calling them that. Which brings me to this, its almost like if she seriously talks to them in that way, mommy or daddy, she is reverting back to being a small child which to me isn't normal.
My other point is why is it now days people do not show there kids reality? Its always no lets not subject them to reality lets pretend. Well honestly in my opinion pretending that the world is wonderful is the worst thing to do. Letting your kids know reality is better. My kids know what divorce is all about and they are very well rounded. I am open and honest with them at all cost. My SD had to hear her dad say that her mom and him were over and that she needed to get over it. It would never ever happen again. I think though before he said that, she actually thought A. that I was in the way of that happening and B. that it would actually happen, because mom had pics of them up and talks about him and them all the time. So until her dad told her that I was the enemy. WE are slowly working on our relationship. He also told her that I was not the problem, the problem was that she needed to let me in. Not that I had not tried all that. She has since been a lot more pleasant to me and stuff but on my part its like waiting for the floor to drop out again..
Lol.. Caitlyn I think letting her see her world for what it really is now is not far off the rocker. ITs actually telling her and letting her see truth in what she is living..
hugs to you from..
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..
Bringing up the rear.
I completely agree with all of the above. Nothing wrong with that. That is the same thing I said to the skids about Christmas and their birthdays. "Now you get two".
Holy Crap Caitlin, when are you due.? Time seems to be flying by.
Due July 19
Yeah, time always flies by for the non-pregnant people, but it's dragging for me! I'm almost 32 weeks, so I'm on the home stretch. It's getting exciting!
HI Caitlin
We are due July 22nd. I can't wait...it has been a tiring one, especially with a 19 month old as well. Hang in there the end is nearing!!!!
I am on board with the other ladies...you handled it with compassion and honesty. It is her reality....that may seem sad to her but my bet is she gets even more love in her life with you, your friends and family and soon to be child. So the reality of divorce doesn't have to be so sad....my SD who is 6 gets it (mind you she was 2 when it all happened). BM tried the "let's have Christmas together, birthdays etc" but there was no way I wanted any part of that and neither did hubby....He sees that he has a new family and we do everything to make her apart of it...and she feels it.
Goos Luck
I hear you!
Tiring indeed! My 21-month-old wears me OUT! But I just love her to pieces, so I STILL get down on the ground to play horsey with her, even if it damn near kills me.
About the reality of divorce and separate birthdays and such - my fiance and I realized together with the therapists that SD's over-the-top reaction to all this is no longer about the birthday at all, but about BM spinning a huge web of "look at what a horrible father BF is" in a desperate attempt not to lose custody. She's gone out of control and the therapists are staging an intervention. I'm so glad SD has them, because she's shutting us out completely. Poor kid, she just can't deal with this!
So happy to hear this
I'm so glad the therapists see what is going on and appear to gauge the seriousness of it all. I can't imagine what would happen to your SD if they weren't in the picture. Good luck! I'm thinking about you and rooting for your family and that one day soon SD will be able to disengage and distance herself from her mother's emotions and become a normal, healthy, happy 11 year old.
And to the mothers that do this to their kids...I sure wish there was some way to get through to them. To get them to see the harm and grief they are causing the children they claim to love so much.
Good point, Steve
The key being: IF THE BIOS GET ALONG. BM is too insane to get along with anyone.
Caitlin
I know what you mean.....even if you are so exhausted you still keep going....funny though when my little guy wants to play I can always muster up a smile and enough energy to keep going. They make all the other *&$# go away. My SD is amazing with her little brother and when I see our family together it makes it all worth while.
I am with you about the BIO mom thing....I think we would like it if we had better relationships with the BM. I could use the peace in my family. Unfortunately, most of them have destroyed whatver faith, trust, and compassion we had in ourselves for them. I am in a don't care mode now. She has no impact on my life or what becomes of it. My DH deals with her. I listen to what he has to say...he always consults with me on things...but he deals with her. She still can make me mad with her lifestyle, her decisions, her trying to exercise power that she doesn't have but those times are becoming less and less.
Good Luck going throught the next 1 1/2 months...are you ready yet? I think if my little one came today (too early for her though) I could do it....not looking forward to the hot months.