what about the empty spaces 75% of our lives
When my skids aren't here, I miss them. I look at their little rooms, and their little clothes sitting folded in the laundry basket, and it makes my heart hurt. My SD7's little stuffed animals and SS9's video games. The dog misses them. Their seats in the car are empty, their little crumbs still sprinkled everywhere. SD's drawings up on the "kid board" in the kitchen. Everything is quieter, less vibrant.
I know my DH feels this 1000 times stronger than I, and my feeling is pretty intense. Poor, poor DH. If I were him, I couldn't bear it.
It hurts that our kids think of their mom's house as Home and that their "other beds" are here. We try so hard to make it a second home for them, their rooms, their special things, family traditions, family jokes -- but it's a time thing with small kids, it really is. SS9 is starting to articulate that he's "homesick" sometimes when he's here, and while I'm glad he feels safe and comfortable enough to quietly vocalize this and get a hug and a kiss and move on, it rips at my guts. I see DH ignoring it, acting the stoic. How much that must hurt him!
DH asked for increased time last fall and is going through mediation on that issue; DH asked mostly because their little developing psyches need more time with their dad, not because we are lonely for them. We thought long and hard about that. But the fact is, and what I need to vent here, is that we *are* lonely for them. We go to all sporting events, plays, soccer practices, games, in a mighty struggle to stay connected; get to know their teachers and friends and their friends' parents--be part of their lives. I know they are with their mom and stepdad and that that family and that home is a key part of their lives and developing psyches too. I respect and honor that. But I can't help it, I want more for DH. I want more for me. Even if we get increased time (cross fingers and pray), it will never be more than 50%. That is how it should be, for them, but it's soooooo hard! It's incredible to me that people all across the country, across the world, are leading these "part time family" lives. The stillness in the house on drop-off days is overwhelming. I go to work, pull out my kayak, walk the dog; but no matter how we stay busy, there is a big piece missing when they are gone.
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That's the Truth
It does feel empty when they're not here. It is absolutely too quiet, too clean, too sad. It's tough, this step-parenting gig. I, too, have dealt with the "homesick" thing, although in our situation it's more of an issue of worrying about BM than missing her. It's tough to dry their tears over not being there when you want them so desperately to just be happy with being here. Another thing that just smarts about being a stepmom. The list is so long!
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HI Gwen
You sound like a good Stepmom. They are lucky to have you in their lives. I am sure it is hard on everyone. We, too, are fighting for more time. We started where you are at 25% did arbtriation and got 37% and we are heading back again for 50%. Seems like it should be the starting point..50% for each parent.
I know it breaks my Dh's heart when his daugther leaves or when she makes reference to her other home as "her home".
I was your age when I met my DH...we got married a year and a half later...had our son and now am pregnant with the next one. It actually gets harder when you have kids of your own....you want the skids to be apart of your new family. My son is too young to understand why his big sis is not here all the time but one day we will have to explain. It is sad but it is the reality of divorce.
Good Luck. I hope one day you will be able to fill your home with lots of sounds of little feet that pitter patter and lots of squeals of delight.
BS at home full time but still miss SD....
My boys are at home full time with short visits with there dad. So when we (the boys DH and I) are doing something special and SD is not with her I can't help but think about her and how she would be enjoying what we are doing. We only have her every other weekend during the school year and then it gets better in the summer we have her every other week. I find my self thinking about some of the things she misses out on but I can't not do things when we only have the boys how fair is that to them??? I miss her when she isn't here and she is not even mine is ths right???
Live for today,you may not have a tommorow
I have to say...
that it's really is harder for families that don't have the 50/50 time... and this is the reason why we fought sooo hard to get it, and ever since we accomplished it, at first it was a struggle, but now, it's a breeze. Things run soo much smoother, and it's easier on the kids because it's more stability, a real 'schedule' that they can count on. Don't give up... you have to be patient and what sucks is that you have to play by the courts rules and work your way up... but don't give up.
With my SS, our house is his house, he's always seen both his mother's home and our home as his homes. We have always instilled in him that he has two homes... both homes are his period- there is no Mom's House and Dad's House... in less he's talking about something in context, but when people ask him, he often is very proud to say that he has two. He had a school project a few years back where he had to write about where he lived. When the teacher asked him about his home, he asked her which one would she like to know about... I have two, and beamed from ear to ear. One thing, I believe that my SS genuinely enjoys the different change of pace from each of the homes. He has his own room here, at his mother's he has to share his room with his step brother, and I'm sure with his new baby brother now. So, when he comes here, it's a slower, quieter pace for him where we don't put any pressure on him, just let him be a kid. For A LONG while, BM used to put a lot of pressure on him, plus his siblings are genuine wild banshees that break everything of his and his mother doesn't do anything about it, so he gets very frustrated there... yet at the same time, he has siblings to play with when he's bored. So, for both homes, there are pros and cons for him... but he gets to see his parents equally and I think that makes a HUGE difference.
My SD, on the other hand, will probably always see her mother's (technically grandmother's) home as 'her home', because we just now have visitation with her for the weekends. We've missed pretty much her whole young life to bond with her, and we have never had the opportunity to install the same in her. We never were given the choice to have her because her mother was so reclusive. But now, like you, we sit with an empty room for most the time, waiting for the day to pick her up. Time will tell us what will happen for the future and we will keep pressing on until we have close to 50/50 time with her as well to provide her a life with her father uninhibited by BM. So, hang in there, it's all worth it in the end...
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Aw that's really nice
Gwen, I've got to hand it to you, you even make "little crumbs" in the back seat of the car sound cute!!!! You are a wonderful person to embrace the children like you do. I hope you get your wish for more time with them.
Realist