Your post reads different. She sounds like a typical 12yo brat. I was one of those too. I treated my biomom like crap too - I think you might be taking it a little harder because you are going WAY above and beyond the call of duty.

My advice...tell her how you feel. Be honest with her and tell her how much she's hurting your feelings and how unappreciated you are feeling. It probably won't set in - I think a teenage girl is the most selfish creature in existence...but it will make you feel better and give you all the more reason to let her know that respect is a two way street. If she wants to treat you as a butthole then she can earn the same title.

Lastly, take some time for yourself! Get a pedicure, a massage, get your hair done...whatever it takes to get yourself out of the "funk". I, personally, am trying Yoga. Can't wait to start.

Best of luck!

I agree with Colorado Girl but wanted to add that I think you are looking for appreciation from the wrong person. You are giving too much of yourself and looking for some "thanks". I went through something very similar. I am a custodial stepmother and DH and I have his 2 daughters most of the time (BM get's them 2 weekends a month). Candice gave me some GREAT advice and that was that I was looking for the appreciation not from SD's but from my husband. Since you are doing so much for SD I think maybe your DH just expects it and doesn't thank you enough. Talk to him about it and also take care of you. I had a spa day, talked to my DH and felt sooo much better.

Amen...your DH needs to open his eyes and think about what the situation would be like without you. One thing I've learned about men is they are oblivious to...just about everything. But especially to how difficult it is for women to be the primary care-givers in a family. And on top of that, we women are genetically designed to take on that role, by society or whatever.

And the guys? They just go on like everything is fine, no changes needed, just keep things the way they are. (I didn't see it in the post, so don't know, but what did DH do when SD called you butthole? Please tell me he washed her mouth out with soap.)

Do your DH a favor and let him know how you're feeling. Approach it from a position of strength stating that while you enjoy this role, you also need some balance and it needs to come from him. Remind him that they are HIS kids and anything you do is out of love not obligation.

He needs to openly praise you in front of SDs and openly reward you like telling the girls that he's giving you a weekend off because you work so hard to take care of them. (And then go away...anywhere...to your mom and dad's...anywhere, just get away.)

His overt, consistent appreciation of you will be parrotted by them. He marinates you in love, appreciation, and respect and the girls will follow, because if they don't they get Dad's wrath, not yours. And don't worry if you hate your SD. Hate isn't the opposite of love...and just about every parent at some time has a little disdain for their kids, because kids can be such a pain sometimes. Give yourself permission to not like them sometimes. It's temporary...only lasts 3 or 4 years for teenagers.

but only a smaller scale. My two SS's have a very active BM, but we have shared custody so they are here 50% of the time. I know how it feels to be the "outsider". It feels terrible to just be the one that they come to when they need something. Sometimes I feel like the maid. I am only good for cooking and cleaning, ofcourse I do those things for my children too but atleast with them I get an "I love you" or a "thanks" or a hug or something, with the skids I get nothing. It does make it hard and it can easily make you bitter or maybe start to resent the situation. I agree with the other ladies, take some time to yourself. Find something for you that you can do alone and that you enjoy. You will be a much better parent and person if you are happy. Dont let yourself get too down, I know how easy that is to do.
I also think you need to have a heart to heart with your DH and not just let him know how you feel but also give him examples of where you need help and what exactly is making you feel overwhelmed and under appreciated.
I would take anything she says with a grain of salt, since she is afterall a teenager.

If I had called my parents (mom and step father) or any other adult for that matter a butthole in front of anyone, I would have felt the back of mom's hand against the side of my face *SMACK* In my house you just didn't do things like that and there was swift retribution if any of us kids behaved that way.

As far as the appreciation issue goes, that is just her being a teenager. Kids take so much for granted and give no thought to the effort adults put into providing them with what they have. I'm sure my mom felt unappreciated as well even though we were dirt poor and had only the bare necessities.

I don't blame you for disliking her. She's at a very dislikable age. I remember being that age & everyone else that age was so hateful & mean. Then a friend of mine has a daughter that went through middle school a couple years ago. That girl said that she thought at that time that everyone hated her, & then all her friends thought the same thing. Even the girl's mom said her daughter was moody & b*tchy. I think it's just her age, & as long as you always demand respect, this will just turn out to be a stage. I'm sure when she turns about 14 or 15 she'll be more likable.

I also think you need to make some time for yourself... go to a spa or gym, turn off your phone, etc. If the whole world falls apart, that's not your problem. You pull your weight, so your DH can pull his. I believe the person who has all the responsibility has the right to expect things to be their way, & take nothing less. If others want their way, they can be more responsible.

Hipi,
the former doormat

I totally understand where you are coming from, and have a very similar situation. I am 28, with an 11yo SD, my hubby is very lenient, if not a kid himself in many ways. He ignores and allows me to be the care taker, but of course, I'm wrong to discipline even though I'm the one handling everything else. It is very trying. I told my SD that her father needs to help her with certain things too when I am busy or tired. Then, he has to deal with it when she goes to him about a situation. If he doesn't, she will see who is truly not helping her. It is his responsbility!
She sounds very fortunate to have a step mom like you. This age is a pain in every way though, no matter what! That is what I experience and everyone else I know, so you are not alone!

Cruella - YOU HIT THE TARGET! That was funny and true. If she wants to be that disrespectful and call you a name, show her the true meaning. Stop putting yourself in the line of fire and let her go without all of your incredible help, care, etc. and then she will see what she is missing out on.

It is wrong for her to take advantage of you. You are the most valuable person to her upbringing and especially as a female figure/role model (since you said her mother is not in the picture). Keep your chin up! I know its hard, and I can tell everyone that and still have the hardest time taking my own advice, but this mutual support will help get us through all of this!

Take care, and stay wonderful!