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BM turning my SS Feral

EatThisApple's picture

When I first met BM a a out 6 years ago, I thought I had hit the jackpot. She was very kind and supportive of me in her son's life. She's still kind, but I'm starting to think it's because I've relieved the guilt of her completely checking out of parenting.

SS 12 is a good kid, albeit ADHD so he's a bit delayed in maturity. We had to work hard with routine and dicipline, but it has worked well for all of us. However, after his weekends with BM he seems to have reverted into a feral animal. He eats with his hands, leaves food and garbage everywhere, even blew his nose on his sleeve in front of of the other day! We have to remind him to shower because she never makes him shower, even on long 3-4 day weekends. He often comes home dirty and stinks.

Anyone else experience this? My DH has talked to her, but things haven't changed. She is a lazy parent, more of a fun babysitter for him. She's not putting him in danger so not much we can legally do. I don't know, it's making us crazy and cancelling out everything we've done for him.

tog redux's picture

How much do you guys have him? Sounds like he's with you most of the time?

He's old enough to get that rules are different in each house. Some kids need a reminder of that at transition time - maybe an immediate shower when he gets back, and DH talking to him right off the bat - "OK, you are back here now, remember we have different rules and we expect x,y and z ..."

 

EatThisApple's picture

Thanks Tog,

Yes, we have the bulk of custody.. and you're right, I think it's about establishing different sets of rules for different homes rather than exhausting ourselves with keeping things consistent. I just hope it doesn't turn me into evil step mom. At least DH is on board.

tog redux's picture

DH needs to be the heavy here, he's the parent. He should enforce the rules and remind SS right off the bat when he returns that he's back home with Dad and the rules there haven't changed.

You guys are doing SS a favor, don't back down. BM's style of parenting makes the kids like you but creates dysfunctional adults. Parenting is not a popularity contest.

Harry's picture

What means thing are not going to change.  Unless or until this kid starts thinking to himself, living like a Feral kid makes him have no friends. That other kids are not going to put up with him.   This may never happen and SS will be come a basement cave man,  with you supporting him for the rest of his life

EatThisApple's picture

He's got lots of friends, he's smart & funny. Please don't project on us, we're not idiots or pushovers. Was just looking for constructive coparenting tips.

Mandy45's picture

Yes the friendly bm I have one of those she has all the fun and we stuck with all the responsibility and looking like the bad guy.

You can talk and talk and talk but bm checked out. And will be no use to you at all. When it comes to the child. 

You will find this out more as the child gets into his teens which is almost there. 

We have numerous problems with our sd now and a lot of it from bm lack of parenting. 

BM great and we ahole. Were the ones who have done everything for sd over her life. Dont even get so much as a thanks. But bm who done absolutely nothing for sd over the years is the apple of sd eye. 

And it is so frustrating. 

 

 

 

 

Disneyfan's picture

Why does BM get the blame when dad is the CP?

What happened to the believe on ST that NCP dad's can't do anything about bad behavior because the kids spend most of their time with the CO moms?

Using the reasoning that has been posted here for years, what mom allows on her weekends should not erase the dynamics dad has in place the rest of the time.

Regardless, this kid is old enough to know what is expected and tolerated in each home. At this age he is to blame for his actions.  If he wants to walk around smelling like a wild boar, his peers will set him straight. 

Disneyfan's picture

Tog my comment was not directed towards you. 

My comment was to the OP and the posters that are blaming mom.  Those responses go against the typical replies that are posted when the NCP is the father.   

 

Rags's picture

Oh yes, the post visitation behavioral detox.  We dealt with it, along with the pre-visitation behavioral degredation, for many years.

Our learning was that the only way to deal with it was immediate reassimilation into the standards of behavior in our home. And I do mean immediate. If he pulled the pre visitation behavioral degredation or the post visitation infection of our home with SpermClan behavioral crap he suffered immediately.  Our rules and behavioral standards were not periodic. They were required from the moment he stepped into our home after SpermClan visitation until he got on the plan to start SpermLand visitation.

BM's standards apply only at BM's home.  They mean nothing in your home and SS needs to have clarity that the standards that apply when he is in your home are not in any way aleviated, not even for a second, due to his visitation with BM.

I would suggest that if SS comes home from BM's with crappy hygiene take him immediately to his Pediatrician and get his condition officially noted.   Then straight home for a shower and for him to start his stanky laundry from BM's.  This starts to tune  him to keep his head in the game at BM's and if he whines to her about it and she blows a gasket it is the perfect opportunity to give clarity to BM that she sucks as a mother.