Feel like I'm done - but can't leave any time soon
Someone on here gave some really sage advice, which boiled down to: even if your partner doesn't have primary custody of their kids now, doesn't mean the tables can suddenly and unexpectedly turn, leaving you as a full-time step parent. Before this happened to me, I would have put the odds of my DH getting custody at worse than winning the jackpot. I have stood by DH for 5 years as he fought court battle after court battle just to stay in his daughter's life as his ex (BM) did everything in her power - including absconding with SD7 to another state - to take her daughter away from DH. I accepted that we would never live exactly comfortably, because all his income went to lawyers. I testified multiple times on his behalf. I married him because his previous custody order said that if he couldn't babysit his kid, there had to be a blood relative to watch her. I did a little million things to help him financially, emotionally, and with SD when she was with us.
But, a few months ago, we got a new judge in our case. That judge decided our permanent orders, giving us full custody. No one involved in the case expected this. It's not like SD coming to live with us these past few months has suddenly changed everything from great to terrible (although I miss my peace, quiet, privacy, and freedom from a never-ending onslaught of unbearably stupid questions). DH has been overworked (to pay for lawyers), distracted, and detatched from me since the real serious court battle began 2 years ago. But I guess I thought that, once we had a decision from the judge, I would get the man I loved back. Now I realize that his putting my needs and our relationship last, and then seemingly forgetting about them entirely, was just the beginning. Now that she is here with us, I literally - and I do mean literally - do not get five minutes a week alone with DH. And during those few minutes, he is invariably too distracted or exhausted to be present.
He loved me at one point, and probably still does. But his daughter and all the stuff he has to do because of her have pushed me so far into the periphery of his life, I may as well not exist. I feel so lonely in my house and in my relationship with him. I've detatched to the point where I just stay in my room whenever we all have the same days off. I've pretty much decided to leave. But we own a house and are in business together (I've clearly made some idiotic - or naive - decisions in my life). It will be years before I can go with the funds to land on my feet elsewhere. I'm not looking forward to these bleak and empty years - a ghost in my own home. But the thing is, the years after that don't look so hot either. I'm hyper-introverted and struggle with depression, which is a bad combination if you want to have friends. I put all my hope and life force into making this the relationship I would be in until I died. Now, I'm spent, a brittle husk of the (already unimpressive) woman I was. I know that, if/when I leave, I will likely spend the rest of my life alone. And that is a big pill to swallow.
Reading many of the stories on here has truly been a balm to me, so thank you all for being an honest and supportive community. To those who stayed, and those who left: you are all freakin' heroes.
Counseling?
Have you considered counseling, marital or personal? Your sentiments remind me of how I felt after 4 rough years. I literally could see no way ahead. The only difference is that 5 kids were involved, not one. Like you, I am an introvert and my situation was just so overwhelming. If your DH wont go, and mine wouldn't, go yourself. It might change your life, like it did mine. Worst case, you can always say you gave it one last chance. Good luck.
We did one session...
Then he just forgot to show up. Work was too important - pushed our sessions right out of his mind. I gave up after he missed the 2nd one. I've been in therapy for a few months, so there's someone sympathetic to talk to, which is helpful!
I'm sorry that you are
I'm sorry that you are hurting. Have you talked to your husband about this? He may not even realize what he has done (and what he's doing), being so absorbed in court battles and his daughter.
He needs to make time for you and you need to tell him that. You have supported him through all of this, it's time for the two of you to get your marriage back. You don't deserve to be invisible. Would he go to counseling?
As far as being alone for the rest of your life (if you were to leave), you don't know that that would happen. Even if that were the case, would it be any worse than what you are going through, now? At least then, you would have the chance to meet somebody new. You can't do that if you stay.
Your husband needs to be aware that he is neglecting his spouse and learn how to balance being a parent and being a husband. You need to tell him how you feel and what you need. Not in an accusing way, but as a wife who wants her husband back. If he is not responsive and is not willing to make any changes, you might have to start taking those steps to leave.
We've talked about it many times
Thank you for your supportive words! Yes, I have talked to him about this. Sometimes, I've thought long and hard about what I wanted to say and how to present it in a way that was fair and understanding of his experience. Other times, a dam holding back big emotions would break, and I would be sobbing the entire time I tried to talk to him. His answer is always: "what can I do?" He means it rhetorically. As in, he feels like he is already doing everything he can.
You ask a really good question, and no, I begin to think that being alone couldn't possibly be this awful.
Like I just told my niece,
Like I just told my niece, being in a bad relationship keeps you from being in a good one, even if it's just with yourself for awhile.
Before I met my DH, I was quite happy on my own, considering the jerks I had dated. My apartment was mine, I knew it would be as clean when I got home as when I left it, I didn't have to answer to anybody (why are you taking a nap?), I didn't have to tip-toe around anyone. My DH is easy to live with, otherwise, I would rather live by myself.
If your husband thinks there is nothing more that he can do, then he probably will do nothing more.
THIS!
"If your husband thinks there is nothing more that he can do, then he probably will do nothing more."
Great point, so true.
I can relate quite a bit to
I can relate quite a bit to your post and I'm sending you (((hugs)))
I have my own mental health issues. I don't struggle with them anymore and haven't for about 10 years but that could change at any time. Mental health can be unpredictable. I decided I wanted to overcome my struggles a while back. I got on the right meds, I went to nursing school and graduated with my RN.
Sometimes you don't know how strong you can be until you realize that the only person you really have to rely on, is yourself. Men come and go, so do friends and sometimes even family. I do have my moments when I'll have a theraputic cry over not having the dream man I always enivisoned, not having the support of a partner. But the truth is, I won't ever find him if I don't stand on my own and progress my life. You won't either.
My ex gave me the same sentiment your DH gives you. 'I'm a father first, what do you want from me?'. It's the selfish stand point single fathers take under the guise of being good parents...they simultaneously shaft their partner. They aren't capable of a well rounded life with a wife AND a kid. They chose the kid and leave little room for anyone else. I don't understand why they feel the need to limit themselves like this, but they do and once they take that stance...they won't budge. They would rather lose their partner than share their time with someone else besides their kid...no, no that would mean they're horrible parents.
Your DH is telling you there's nothing else he can do. Not because he can't, but because he won't. Like so many wives/gfs of single dads, we just aren't valued enough by them to live happily with them and their kids.
Continue therapy, get on some good meds to help your depression (psych meds save lives and enchance lives every day), and start to get some financial grounding so you can walk away. None of us are garenteed we'll meet that right person but we also weren't meant to suffer with the wrong one.
You would be happier on your own, I am and don't regret leaving. Build yourself back up and reclaim your live. You have more control over your life and inner strength than you know.
Xoxo
Im so sorry your feeling this
Im so sorry your feeling this way ,,,its shit ,, i know. He is telling you that you are getting all he wants to give, not that he cant ,, he simply hasnt got the energy too. I remember being told the exact samt things as you ,, and if you keep listening to all this , you start to believe it , you start to question things like "maybe its me or maybe things arent bad or maybe i am ok with the way things are", then you find yourself another 5 years down the track in the same miserable posistion your were in before , nothing has changed, hes not going to change anything. I once remember trying to raise the issue with DH about how his son 12 at the time, stole $50 from my purse,,DH first said "wheres your eveidence my son did that" followed by "i will choose my innocent 12yr old over my relationship anytime",,, well i lost it !! he can have his so called innocent brat. We havent lived together for almost 2 years now ,, it was so hard at the beginning but once you detox from everything , its amazing. Please dont fall into this long trap of being stuck. make exit plans
Please do not call yourself
Please do not call yourself unimpressive - I'm sure you are a really nice woman who has been pushed beyond her limit as a lot of us are. Frankly, could striking out on your own be any worse than what you are doing atm? ie hiding in your room and feeling like a ghost in your own home? I spent time hiding in my room towards the end of my first marriage - it is not fun! And some of the time when my SDs used to come over EOW for a decade. It sucks, huh? In your place, I would at least take some legal advice on your position re: your business and the house. It doesn't hurt to get your ducks in a row. And maybe have some counselling on your own to try and get your confidence back up.
I can relate to you
I hope you are feeling better. I have no advice to give, because I can relate to how you're feeling. The only difference between you and me (besides the fact that you're in a hetero relationship and I'm in a same-sex one) is that you're married to this man, and I'm in a de facto with my partner.
As someone who never wanted kids, I have been doing my very best to be a supportive partner and step parent to my partner's child. He can be difficult at times, but I think what truly hurts me inside is how, like you, I'm put on the back burner. I've had multiple conversations with my partner and she's tried to explain that she's stressed out at work and with her kid so by the time she gets to me, she's got nothing left to give. She apologizes and I feel like a selfish person wanting more and more and more from her. Sometimes she says I keep wanting more and am never satisfied. When I bring up our lack of intimacy, she gets defensive. I am reluctant to leave because we have a fantastic domestic partnership (even if its leaning on the housemates type rather than relationship type) and like you, there's the 'I'm going to be all alone and sad' part if I leave.
I haven't gotten any clarity yet about myself but I truly hope you do because mentally, it's not a good place to be. I'm glad there's this place to talk about step parenting (and relationship woes!) thank god for everyone here in similar situations who give great advice and support. It's good to know we're not alone!
Keep working with your
Keep working with your counselor and build up a base of friends, until you find a way out. As a fellow introvert, I know that's easier said than done, but even having a couple acquaintances might make you feel better and less worried about being lonely when you leave him.
Being alone sounds like heaven
Because what you are dealing with - sounds like its a weight dragging you down...
IM sorry you are feeling this way. Sometimes I look into the future and get scared. Scared that Ill be alone for the rest of my life if I leave.
But you are in a hard place and not feeling good about anything. I hope this changes for you. My heart was breaking a little reading your post. Please do not look at yourself as unimpressive! You bought a home, you own a business! You sacrificed greatly for this man. You are MIGHTY.
((hugs))