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Connecting to SS

Dusty84's picture


I'm new here. I will try to make this as brief as possible. 

Back ground: I am originally from England, UK. I'm 33.  I met my husband 4 years ago on a vacation in Las Vegas. We got on awesome, skyped, I visited back and forth. During that time, just before he met me, about 6 weeks prior to Las vegas vacation, he was messing around with a woman casually. She became pregnant. She was desperate for a baby, she had an abortion a couple of years before and felt she wanted to fill it. My husband felt entrapt in kind if her secret plan to become pregnant. I'm not stupid, he didnt fall and accudently get her pregnant. So that's irrelevant and been hashed out alot. Either of them were careful. 

So, a few months into me visiting back and forth to the USA, she told him she was preganant. She was around 4 months pregnant at this time. He was shocked, dumbfounded etc.. he told me after being silent for a few days over Skype, as I was in England at the time. He said he understands if I didnt want to continue and pursue anything. I had a long think, I had no children of my own. I decided I would give it a try, though I knew the pregnancy was probably going to be difficult on me. In hund sight, I should have ran. I didnt. It is what it is. 


Anyway fast forward another 5 months. I moved over to the USA. 

I had some bad news about cancer cells, as I've had issues with cervical cancer. That I needed an operation to remove some of my uterus, cervix and that if I wanted children to think about it but it needs to be sooner rather than later. We decided we would like to start a family. 

Anyway during this time, BM had the baby. I was completely excluded. My DH went to the hospital. He then started visiting at her family home every weekend to see his son. 

In all this time he never told her about me. He asked me to marry him. So he had no choice but to tell her. I was extremely angry. 

Fast forward a few months if that BS situation and he finally told her. She cut off all contact with SS. I was  by this time about 2 months pregnant with our DD. 

We ended up in a year long court battle. There was alot of arguments with my husband. He wanted 50/50 custody even though he had no previous experience with children. and by this time a year had past since seeing his son. I said I never even met his son and it was difficult. I said go for weekend and then later we can try 50/50. I also thought that would be easier on the child coming from.divorced parents my self. 

He did listen. We have SS every other weekend and a couple of hours in the evening over two days during the week.

Our baby was born. I felt all the. Normal emotions of he did all his first with his son. I felt our daughter wasnt as important etc.. but he does love her alot so that's not so much an issue now. 


Now to the problem:

The BM I'd extremely difficult. Shes made up fake allergies we ended up having to go back to court for. She does not communicate at all to me or my DH. She just blanks us. Says nothing when she picks him up/when we pick him up. She wont text. She just refuses to say a word. This is difficult because we are in the dark. Hes now 3. We are wondering about potty training. Hes been coming in pull ups but no idea how far along he is. He talks but he is also extremely selective of when he just wants to be a butthead and not answer you. He is an EXTREMELY picky eater. She refused to put him on solid food until he was over 18 months old. This has affected him with food so badly, he picks at it, breaks it apart just doesn't like food at all. Its difficult to get him to eat. 

Hes ignorant. You say hi to him, he just looks at you. Doesn't say a word. I find hes worse with me than anyone at just communication. I say Hi!! He stares. I ask are you hungry? He stares. He knows what I'm saying, he answers his dad. This behavior is just bothering me. I just find it ignorant. He cries whenever he wants something. He has really unhealthy attachments to things like his shoes, you take them off he screams. But it seems to be anything, you give him a toy, he wont share just keep it to himself, wont put it down or he will just throw a fit and scream. He doesn't sleep. She has co slept with him since he was born. Hes never had a bed of his own. So getting him to sleep is a nightmare. He has no routine and when hes ive for the weekend sometimes he awake until 1-2am easily. Our DD has bedtimes and we have to stick to it and we have work and have to get up early and have bed times. I think its healthy to spend quality time with my DH in the evening. So our DD goes to sleep in her own bed, every night at 8pm. 

I'm having a hard time even liking SS never alone connecting and having any kind of relationship with him. 

SS wont show our DD any affection, she will go to hug him/kiss him he will just push her away. But he will happily hug or kiss an adult. 

I recently just told my husband I cant love SS. I just find him rude, ignorant and spoilt. 

My husband said he will divorce me because he thinks I should just love him, accept this and just shut up. I said my feelings are valid. He called me crazy and said my feelings are not valid and I need to shut up when it comes to SS. 

I lost it yesterday and walked out, after making meals all weekend for SS and him eating/playing with it and not eating at all even after I asked him some of the food he likes and getting it in especially. He then sat broke it up on the plate. Refused to acknowledge me, he ignored me, but not his dad. I was asking him if he liked the apple, he just stared at me, his dad asked and yeah of course he speaks. My husband was like oh you're mad because he was sitting on my knee and you hated it.!! I'm like, no! Im angry because hes being an ignorant little butthead. 


Ugh. I dont even know what to do at this point. 



justmakingthebest's picture

He is 3. You are going to have to be the grown up here. 

If you don't love him, that is OK! You don't have to. He isn't yours, you don't have any primal connections to him. You do have to be kind. You do have to take care of his needs if you are the caregiver. You do have to be patient. He is 3. 

Having a child yourself that is close to him in age, try and keep your interactions to be what you would want if someone was caring for your daughter. 

I suggest that you and your DH try and have a meeting with BM. Make sure you do it in writting and have back up if she responds for refuses to respond. I would send 2-3 requests to her over the issue. If she won't agree to meeting and discussing co-parenting, go to court and request co-parent counseling. You guys need to know things like potty training, allergies, etc.

Dusty84's picture

I always care for him. They are treated exactly the same. He gets more leanancy, as he is a little harder to deal with emotionally. I am extremely kind and always be caring even when hes being ignorant. 

My DH diesnt want to be in the same room as BM either. They both make it extremely difficult. He seems to just not care about any if it. His attitude is, it will just come when he talks properly. I'm like really!

 We have asked to meet but she will not without a lawyer present. We have spent over 12,000 dollars on court so far and cant be affording much more. 

Last time I communicated with her she showed everything to her lawyer before anything and her lawyer advised her not to respond. So she wont meet, she wont text, talk. Someone people would be like ok, no interaction with BM, great! Its extremely difficult when you have no idea at all about his other home life and what is going on there, what he eats, what he likes, just anything. 

I have an extremely hard time connecting with him also because of his behavior. That is an extension of being spoilt and allowed to stay up to all hours with his mother though. She has an eating disorder and it's being carried on to him with not eating. It's frustrating. I know it's not SS fault. He never asked to be in this situation, it doesn't make connecting to him any less difficult. I want to be t and have a safe place to do so! People may not like everything I say. I am honest though. My DH shuts down all my feelings towards my SS. So if I cant csnt here with understanding, where can I? 


justmakingthebest's picture

Wow... only will meet with lawyers. So, back to court it is. I would really request co-parent counseling. 

If you are going through the motions and doing the best you can, that is all you can do. You husband is going to have to step up! If you have routines and rules that you expect from children, it needs to be across the board. SS shouldn't get a pass. Now, at 3 this will obviously be difficult. But at 3 if you make dinner and he won't eat, he won't starve if you put him to bed after not eating. You can always give him a pediasure drink if you are worried about it. Tell kids NO. It is good for them! I am sure you know that having a toddler yourself! It sounds like you and DH really just have to get on the same page with what you want as far as behaviors that will be tolerated in your house. Maybe it is time for counseling for you 2 as well.

notasm3's picture

Ignore the whore.  It's called parallel parenting.  Lots of people do it.  I assume your DH is home on the weekends he has his son.  Let him deal with his son.  He's a grown man.  He doesn't need to talk to BM or you about what he should do to care for his son.

You need to quit having any expectations with respect to this child.  If he is developmentally damaged (sounds like he is) it is not your problem to fix.   Assume nothing normal will take place.  Just keep your child safe and on track.

Dusty84's picture

I feel obligated to do some things. As our DD is 22 months old, I make her breakfast etc.. obviously I cant be leaving SS out and leaving It to just my DH. I can however leave him to change him etc.. I feel SS does have alot of emotional issues and you're right they are not my problem. My DH will make him give me kisses and sometimes, honestly I just dont want them, especially when hes been so ignorant to me. 


It is difficult when you need to know things like potty training. That's where it's hard with zero communication.  

Dusty84's picture

Completely agree with justmakingthebest everything you have said here. I feel my DH just csnt be bothered with it all sometimes, ignoring it, is easier for him. Its just not life though. SS will be at school in a few years and then what? 

I think alot needs to be discussed.