Is he on the spectrum?

I only ask because this is my SS21. He has an aversion to water. He also has a rain jacket that he really loves and will sleep in that, jeans, even shoes. It is a constant battle to make sure he is showering and brushing and changing his clothes- to include is underwear. I monitor his laundry and have to count what is in the basket. 

Will he still take baths? Has DH ever showed him how to properly shower? Would SS be willing to use gym wipes or baby wipes to clean himself between showers? How does he react when one of you tells him that he stinks?

I think it's worth having a conversation with his school and maybe his pediatrician. A call to CPS might be warranted, but not sure what will come of a 14 year old refusing to shower (unless BM just doesn't keep hygeine products at her house).

We've run into hygeine issues with my SSs. BM is not the most clean, and she didn't do a great job of teaching and enforcing hygeine standards. DH has done a better job with them as far as teaching and enforcing showers, but he can't make them shower well. It's a rough situation to be in when they're only with you on weekends and have a week's worth of unhygeinic practices already built up.

We had an issue like this with OSD - YSD also doesn't shower enough, or use soap....she goes through bottles of conditioner 2x as fast as shampoo but I'm staying out of it. At least, so far, she doesn't generally smell - this summer I had to open the car window and told DH about it and it didn't happen again.

I think there's something not wired right in these kids who don't have proper hygeine combined with a lack of parenting. Neither SD when I met them at 7 and 9 brushed their teeth (I had to teach them and start with toddler toothpaste), didn't know how to shower and use a washcloth or shampoo, wore the same clothes and shoes with no socks all week/weekend and often no underwear. DH and BM both were to blame for all this. OSD fought all basic hygeine requests every time. I eventually did tell her when she stank and wouldn't go with her anywhere unless she appropriately bathed. I stayed away far enough where her breath couldn't reach me (yellow teeth, bleeding gums). She never washed her clothes and we found used underwear in her room after she left that was simply shocking.

Bascially I didn't do anything and DH started stepping in when HE started to realize the problem (much much too late) by smelling her stench. I did almost gag later on just before she left our home never to return when she walked by me in the kitchen. I got out of there fast.

I don't think that BM could get in trouble for that. if he was unable to shower/brush his own teeth/change his clothes, then yes, but since he is 14 he should be taking care of his own hygene and therefore, BM shouldn't be held liable for that.

Where is the school? Focusing on academics. It's not a school problem. 

Elementary school, where the kids have one (or two) teachers in a day, the school nurse may get involved and call the parents. 
Middle schools and up -- teachers only see the kids for 40 minutes to an hour at a time. They'll sit the kid by an open window.

Realistically, unless the lack of hygiene causes a medical problem, children's services is it going to get involved. That's not to say that children's services won't show up to find out if you have hot water on tap. But, unless the house is a hoarder's paradise and lacks running water, most likely nothing will be done.

Whatever happened to you dh wanting to get his hands on your retirement account?! I'd be more worried about that...

BM1 has always neglected my SS16 but DH and I make sure he has clean clothes, shampoo and all toiletries. He knows to wash, brush and at least hit the 5 points and change the basics everyday.

BM2 is the most neglectful and let's Ss10 ( autistic) do whatever he wants. No brushed teeth+ he forgot.  No clean clothes- no big deal( girl clothes, small clothes, shoes 2 sizes big) until the school said something. Hasn't showered and stinks- just spray a ton of perfume and nobody will know. Every weekend we get to teach him these things all over again. Decaying teeth and very overweight while stepdad proudly proclaims that Ss10 gets to choose what and when they eat.

The best story came this past Friday when I had noticed that BM2( SS10) did not address a rash he's had for the past three weeks( we put cortisone on it when he came here and DH supposedly said something but who knows) 

So I asked how he was doing. She said fine then proceeded to tell me I /DH should supervise when he bathes( gasp- color me surprised that bathing occurs at BM house too) as he never likes to wash his pits and he has been getting stinky. Of course he wears deodorant but he's been getting zits in his pits. I almost laughed out loud( thank you mask!) Then proceeded to ask about the rash all over his face and arms and did not hesitate to say we have been putting cortisone on it and did it get better. She knew nothing about it( remember it was on his FACE). Ihad a good laugh in the car on my way home as BM1 is the LAST person I would take cleanliness/ hygiene advice from.

Note::SS10' was taken to doctor by us and given cortisone as well as medication to take. He is now rash free and we think it's because he rolls naked on the ground at their place( see my previous post about clothes etc.)

Clothes, body, and stench all at the same time.

If it works for oil soaked water fowl it will work for  foul spawn.

You could make contact with the school counselor if you wanted ask about any teacher feedback? You could ask counselor to keep a gentle eye out for ss. THAT will prompt counselor to check things out on his/her own.

 Parents often times skip over school counselors are good alleys. ** Reports of hygiene concerns are usually at Elem School age level. Some situation's do rise to the cps involvement**. 

 OR have dad make a doctors appointment for a general teen physical??  Dad can leave word with staff for doc to discuss importance of good hygiene at his age. THEN a 6week follow up??

Has dad ever said, SON take a shower at moms before you come over. ? I mean we all tell our kids to take a shower, right? Why not tell SS to take a shower, pick up is in 30mins?