Court battle, it's just beginning!
I don't know if I can do this anymore. My fiancé is in an aggressive court battle between the BM and maternal grandmother (3 lawyers involved). I have tried to be supportive of his attempts in gaining more custody. He currently has nearly 50% and is primary caregiver for school purposes. He has requested I help him with gathering evidence and attending lawyer appointments. I am at the point where I can't handle the stress anymore though, each time we visit the lawyer I seem to pull away. The first time he told us it would cost thousands, now he recently told us it will be many months even up to a year before it could be settled. Grandmother has stated she wants to be the mother. I understand why he's trying to set some boundaries with her, and the BM comes and goes whenever she feels like it. My fiancé made the first move without realizing how expensive or how much time it would take, now they are also trying for more visitation. The grandmother is paying for BM's lawyer and her own, she's very wealthy. She has also already established herself in the child's life (who is 5). It was stated in the previous court battle (before me) that it is in the best interest of the child she remains in her life.
I guess I'm at the point where I told him I'm pulling away from court and "the battle". And I believe he will be fine with that, but I'm not sure I'm really ok with what he is doing. We have separated our finances and will be selling our home in a month, either to downsize (we are already having trouble with bills without the lawyer's expenses) or to go our own way. I love him and I even care for his daughter. But when is it just too much… we are in our mid-twenties, we have already built a life together, but seem to be on pause until he can fix this custody issue. I want to experience "normal" life things, and instead I feel stuck in a battle for something that isn't even mine. Even if I distance myself from the situation, the money issue and time will absorb most of him. How can he carry on a life with me, while all of this is going on? It seems easier to move on, but yet it's so hard to even think of being without him.
I did take the advice and
I did take the advice and separate our finances and the house will be for sale this month. I guess I'm just so heartbroken to even consider leaving him. I wondered if we can get through this and the court battle. I suppose your right through, the child and grandmother will never leave.
I'm finding it so hard to
I'm finding it so hard to come to grips with. I really love him and moved states away from my family to start a life with him. I don't even know where to begin, but to move back to my parent's house and accept defeat.
This is a huge risk of being
This is a huge risk of being involved with someone that has a minor child. And she is really Very young, she is 5. So depending on your state, you have a minimum of 13 years of potential court battles, others, maybe 15. If wealthy grandma doesn't get what she wants, she's likely to just continue to bring cases out of spite. The drain on the finances can be Extreme. Which even if they're split, will impact your life. It will prevent him from saving for retirement, it will impact what he is able to contribute as his portion of household bills, which either leaves you holding the bag or dictates a lower level of lifestyle than you might wish. It is not an insignificant consideration.
There will also be the constant stress, if not on you if you disengage, then on him, possibly on SD, particularly if litigation continues as she ages. The feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop can cast a real cloud over the household.
You are mid-20s, you have the time and ability to find another person to build a less complicated life with if that's what you wish. It does sound like you've invested a significant chunk of time and money into this relationship and I understand that your emotions are difficult to separate from as well. But you do need to consider the life you want to have and whether his circumstances will allow the two of you to build that life.
I don't know if you want kids of your own, but if you feel like he's checked out because of court right now, you need to consider if these issues continue later, how much will you resent him? His time, effort, money, attention, etc being devoted to custody battles and not to your family. Will BM or the grandmother try to turn SD against all of you in times of court to help things go one way or the other and how will that change the emotion of eveyone involved?
Being a stepparent is hard in the best of circumstances. It sounds like you don't have that, you have a third party involved, a very young child and people that are happy to engage in protracted conflict. So yes, consider what you want your life to be. This is not the only man in the world that you can be happy with.