Driving DH

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I have 1 SD who is almost 4. She lives a 10 hour drive from us and DH has decided I need to drive him roundtrip (20 hours) and spend 3 nights in the hotel with them when BM and SD and the other 4 kids have not been quaranteening. I'm feeling frustrated because I am concerned about getting sick. For reference SD lives in a state that has a growing infection rate but not one of the worst at this point. When I mentioned my concern he got upset and said we were seeing my parents (who aren't visiting anyone except us). My parents are both have pre-existing conditions and so I would also have to quarantine without exposing them for at least 2 weeks afterward. He got angry and yelled about me comparing a 3 year old with my parents, which I did not even do... Am I in the wrong here? I get him missing his daughter, I've encouraged him to go but he doesn't drive and he won't fly because of COVID. I'm really at a loss for how to handle this.

Welcome to the site!

Your DH is a knob head. You and your parents are what we call in the UK in a "bubble" - I don't know if you have this term where you live? It means that in effect you have been shielding with them. If DH wants to do this, he should fly - you are under no obligation to drive him. If he is so worried about COVID why is it OK to go and see people who have not been observing the rules, but not to fly? If he goes, when he gets back I suggest you go and stay with your parents for 2 weeks, so that he can not pass anything on to you.

That's a great suggestion. I

That's a great suggestion. I mentioned to him that I would drop him at the airport. SD was literally at a birthday party yesterday with a huge group. *sighs*

Based in his attitude

I'd tell him he can get a taxi to the airport.

If he's so anxious to see her that he's willing to risk getting COVID, then he can risk it on the way there and back, too. And I hope he realizes the two of you should quarantine for two weeks when he gets back.

Also, he has no qualms about infecting you?

He doesn't drive? How does he

He doesn't drive? How does he work (preCOVID)? How did he see his children (before you)? How is it your fault he doesn't drive?

We live close to his work so

We live close to his work so he would take an uber or lyft when he needed or I would drop him sometimes. It is definitely not my fault he doesn't drive, he grew up in a country where many people don't drive in a very large city where public transportation is very cheap and cars are very expensive. I mentioned to him when the place he could get his drivers permit re-opened if he wanted to get it and I would teach him driving. He shrugged it off and hasn't asked about it since, I figure I'll let it be because he clearly isn't interested.

Of course, he's not

Of course, he's not interested, he has you to chauffer him around. Stop.

I did tell him I'm not

I did tell him I'm not driving him and to stop asking me to because my answer isn't going to change.

If he wants to see his

If he wants to see his daughter then it's up to him to find a way. If he can't find a way then he'll just have to Zoom, like all the rest of us.

He has been zooming or at

He has been zooming or at least trying to. She's very busy going out and visiting friends and extended family and usually BM doesn't return a missed zoom call. He last saw her in person in February and is feeling very guilty because of the amount of time that has passed. It doesn't help that BM likes to stoke that guilt whenever possible. That's a whole other very long story that is a mess. I'll probably post about that situation at some point too.

He wants what he wants, and

He wants what he wants, and he wants you to drive him, keep him company, and act as a buffer - pandemic be damned.

Don't entertain his bullsh!t. His anger and pouting is all manipulation. Tell him he's free to go, but you will be following all protocols recommended by your goverment, including quarantining to protect yourself and your parents.

Do not allow him to berate, dictate, guilt, or impact your happiness. People are DYING because of selfish people like your H.

Yes, we're in the US and in

Yes, we're in the US and in the New England region. It's a relatively safe area. I told him I'm not going outside of it unless things get drasically better.

Not sure what NE state you

Not sure what NE state you are in, but some of them (MA and RI for two) require a 2 week quarantine or proof of negative testing if you are coming back from states with a COVID flare. Is he prepared to do that?

He sounds like a real prize.

He sounds like a real prize. Let him fly or take a bus or pay someone to drive him. It's his responsibility to figure out how to get himself there.

And maybe

Change the locks while he's gone?

Frankly, I think it would be

Frankly, I think it would be more prudent for one person to fly than for 2 people to drive, stopping at gas stations and staying at hotels. Just say no. And tell him to stop yelling at you - this is his issue to solve, not yours.

Sorry, but him seeing his

Sorry, but him seeing his daughter is not your problem, nor your responsibility.

He won't fly because of Covid, but he expects you to drive to another state and be around people who have not been staying home?

This is really a no brainer.

Why does he not drive? Why does he live so far from his daughter? Did BM move away or did your husband? Regardless, you need to look out for you and yours, right now.

I know it's easy for us to say, "let him figure it out", we are not married to him. He's your husband, you love him, want to help, and blah, blah, blah, but he's being unreasonable.

I get it, I love my husband, we've been together 24 years, but there have been many times when I have told him, "No", and it did include seeing his daughter when BM had moved away for a couple of years (and it was a lot less than 10 hours away).

At that time, DH had an older vehicle that was not reliable for long road trips. BM swore she would meet us halfway (but neither of us believed her) and my car was not exactly brand new. It was not a hard decision to make and I lost no sleep over it. As much as I love DH, it just was not my problem to solve. Some people tried to make me feel guilty but hey, if they were so concerned, THEY could make the drive.

I have put up with a lot of crap, being with a man with baggage (not one but two BMs). I get to say when enough is enough. I get to determine when something doesn't work for me. And so do you.

My husband moved away for

My husband moved away for work. He couldn't find a job in his field in the area BM lives in. In the past I have dropped him at the airport and he has flown. I think I knew it was an unreasonable request and I told him as much with my reasons. It's really nice to get some support though but I know if it were my child I would either suck it up and wait or be figuring out a way to see them if I really wanted/needed to and not asking someone to drive like that.

If it were that important to

If it were that important to him, he would do something about it, like learn to drive.

We always feel like we have to give reasons or explanations on why we will or won't do something. We don't. You don't owe him any explanations. When we do that, we give the person an opening to argue against our reasons, give their reasons on why we should do what they want, and to manipulate the situation. Don't give him that opening.

Exactly.

Exactly. "No" is a complete sentence.

How old is

How old is he? 15? Sorry but this sounds like a teenage tantrum. It is not your job to drive him around. If he wants to see people who are at a distance and not conforming to pandemic precautions then he needs to figure it out. Your parents are in a high risk group and he does not get to endanger them by possibly infecting you and making you an asymptomatic carrier. You love them and are just as obligated to their well-being as he is to his children. Given the current health issues, some would argue more so. He is trying to be selfish in a time when seflishness is literally killing people.

He's 35 =( I agree it was

He's 35 =( I agree it was tantrum like behavior. He seems to think his relationship with his daughter should be the most important thing for me, more important than my relationship with my parents. I've tried to explain to him that she is not my daughter, I don't dislike her but I don't have a parental bond with her. I've visited a few times and sometimes jump in zoom chats. It's more like a niece relationship in my mind.

Part of being an adult in the

Part of being an adult in the US, especially if you have kids and extra especially if they live further than walking distance away, is having a driver's license. Doesn't mean you have to have a car, but you need to have a means by which to travel.

It sounds like your DH has the physical, mental, and financial capabilities of getting a license. The consequence of him NOT getting it is that he doesn't get to see his kid. I would feel differently if he weren't able to get his license, but that's not the case here, and you're not his mother.

Plus, as everyone has already mentioned, if he's THAT afraid of COVID, then he needs to NOT physically see his daughter as she has been exposed AND is mostly likely to be an asymptomatic carrier given her age. He will be far more protected on a socially-distanced flight for two hours with a mask on than he will be when he actually sees his child, since I assume he'll want to hug her, take her places to do something fun, and have to take her and himself places to eat.

Additionally, does your state have any travel restrictions in regards to SD's state, or vice versa? A weekend trip could cost 2-4 weeks of quarantine.

Your DH is letting his emotions rule over him, and I can empathize with that. But, he's doing himself exactly zero favors. You get to see your parents because you're doing everything you can to make that safe. He's doing exactly zero to see SD and be safe about it. THAT'S why you get to see your parents and he doesn't get to see SD.

Agreed.

Agreed. I was expecting to hear that he had an epileptic condition or some other physical issue that prevented him from obtaining a license. Just not feeling like it because it was not a necessity in his country of origin kind of shocked me.

And the OP is able to see her parents because they are working with her to make it happen safely. The daughter is not and does not seem to be willing to make even a small attempt to recognize that there are real issues right now. If people want to visit in person these days, everyone needs to cooperate in order to protect entire chains of contacts.