Emeshment with family
I'm just wondering how someone who is so emeshed with their mother, and other family members, is capable of having a happy and healthy relationship with their new lover when I was not. My ex moved on to someone new within weeks of me leaving him after we were together for several years. We had many problems however a big part of our relationship problems when we were together was his overly emeshed relationship with his mother and sister. His mother talked to him on the phone multiple times a day, lived within a mile from him, stopped by his house at least 5 times a week and was constantly an overbearing presence in his life. She would bad mouth any women he was with, including myself, if we did not have the same opinions and political beliefs as herself and did not coddle the grandkids and pay for their expenses even when they misbehaved and were very disrespectful. She had a huge influence over him. His mother was also single and so was his sister who did the same. Oh did I mention the sister was 42 and still living at home with momma? Now he has moved on with a new woman and I am wondering why she does not see this as a major issue and why she is content to put up with it and spoil his kids? Where did I go wrong? Was I wrong for wanting to set boundaries and stick up for myself?
Well, first off, how do you
Well, first off, how do you know they are happy? How do you know she's okay with it and is content to put up with it? How long did it take you to get fed up with this relationship with his mother and move on? And if she's willing to put up with it, does that mean you were wrong, or that you two just had different expectations for a relationship?
They both show off how happy
They both show off how happy they are quite a bit on social media. Funny thing is when we were together he never listed us on a relationship, not once in all of those years of being with me, nor did he make a profile pic with me in it, not once. And now that he is with her they are listed as in a relaitonship publicly and she is in his profile pic and all of his pics that are now made public (his facebook was never public while we were together, it was private. I unfriended him when I left him and he begged me to come back. I ignored him and now suddenly he is happy as can be with this woman only weeks after I left him and so is she. She also buys a lot of stuff for his kids from what I've seen and heard from others). It took me several years to leave him but I was very unhappy the last year when we were together especially with his meddling mother and the spoiling of his kids. I hope that answers everything. Thank you for the insight.
My guess is that he wanted to
My guess is that he wanted to friend you so he could show you all of his "happy" pictures - everyone is happy on social media, and just about everyone is also happy in a new relationship. I bet you were when you were first dating him. In 5 years time, she might be ready to leave over it as well. Either way - unfriend him and stop letting him "show off" for you, he's just trying to make you jealous. No good can come from looking at the pictures - take care of yourself.
Sounds like
Classic narcissist actions. He wants to hurt you. Don't let him. He gets a thrill if he can get a rise out of you. I hope you go no contact and delete his profiles. Rest assured she will be treated the same as you or worse, it's just a matter of time.
The fact that he is posting lovey dovey stuff for you to see is actually a twisted compliment to you. He cares enough to want to still cause you pain, and it means you meant a lot to him. If you hadn't made a difference in his life he wouldn't try to hurt you, if that makes sense?
Anyhow don't give him satisfaction, or narcissistic supply, by reacting. You gave him enough it sounds like. Don't worry about his new woman, she is a victim just like you were. Look how he is using her to try to hurt you. She is just a pawn.
People lie about their lives
People lie about their lives online all the time. When DH was married to BM, she wrote a "family blog" (I think she thought she was going to be the next famous mommy blogger and make money off of her boring, and often plagiarized stories). In it, she talks about what a wonderful husband DH was and how much they loved one another. Behind the scenes, her persona included constant screaming, mental and physical abuse, drug use, excessive gambling, fraud, and overall dysfunction.
I suspect your ex is co-dependent (because that's all mommy taught him how to be), so doesn't know how to be alone. However, no one can have a successful relationship with someone who is in a relationship with another woman (unless they have both agreed to polyamory), even (and maybe especially) if that other woman is his mother.
Please don't let this eat you up
You did nothing wrong, he's just got himself a doormat who is happy to be a yes person is all
Block him and all of his
Block him and all of his friends and family on social media. Or better yet deactivate your account. Social media is fake and a waste of time. He is trying to make you jealous. Don't be. Do not waste anymore energy or time on this loser. He has found himself a less attractive, desperate, lower hanging fruit, a doormat who is willing to put up with anything to be in a relationship. My guess is she doesn't hold a candle to you and is desperate. Don't pay them any attention. In a few years time she will realize she was just used by him and she will be spent. You will be onto bigger and better things than a desperate emeshed loser, mama's boy and his brat kids who had zero respect for you.
As the above posters said,
As the above posters said, social media is fake and everyone thinks they are happy in the beginning. In time, maybe this woman will be as miserable as you were. The real and only way you will be happy, though, is when you no longer care.
This is entirely anecdotal,
This is entirely anecdotal, but in my experience, men who never updated social media in one relationship only to immediately do it in the next are being controlled, typically by someone who "mothers" them. And the women they are with like the relationship because the men don't tend to fight back.
It's not a reflection on you. He either likes being mothered or he is in an abusive relationship. Either way, that's for him to deal with. You cannot do anything about it, nor can you blame yourself. Block him on social media so that you stop having to see what he's posting and go find someone who doesn't have crazy family.
You're looking to explain
You're looking to explain something that is inexplicable. I hope you can get to a point soon when you stop thinking about whatever he is doing and move on.
Doesn't matter if his new GF is happy or not, if she fits in better than you did, or if she's as miserable as you were. THe relationship wasn't right for YOU and that's all that's important. You did the right thing and got out.
Look forward, not backwards.
Quit giving this guy and his
Quit giving this guy and his multigenerational shallow and polluted gene pool space in your head.
You actively remain his victim. Why would you even follow him on social media?
Eventually his new lover will
Eventually his new lover will get sick of it too and move on as well.
We had many problems however
We had many problems however a big part of our relationship problems when we were together was his overly enmeshed relationship with his mother and sister.
-----------------------
BM is like that too with all her adult kids. I honestly do not believe they will be able to have normal, healthy relationships with their spouses IF they ever marry.
It is not normal or healthy to cling to your parents when you become an adult. NOR is it normal OR healthy for parents to cling to their kids when they become adults. Adulthood is not designed that way....
So, you missed that epic mess. . I know it hurts now, that is normal---we go thru the process, angry, sad, hurt, angry, acceptance, angry again, sad then acceptance.
. HOW could he find someone new so fast....my guess is, he doesn't know what healthy, meaningful relationships look like. The pattern of dysfunction (think enmeshment with mom and sister)--He lacks ability to be autonomous.
Any gf he has will have this very same problem. Maybe she doesn't care because she feels 'lucky' to find someone who wants her. Low bar expectations of relationship? Maybe she lack confidence, maybe she just needs a new place to live and is PLAYING him.
You are smart enough to know YOU don't want this----be proud of yourself. Nothing good would have come from it.
This crossed my mind too. I
This crossed my mind too. I think his new woman is just happy someone wants her and is willing to play dormat. Or she needs a place to live and is also using him. She sounds desperate.
He found himself a doormat.
He found himself a doormat. She probably has plenty of her own issues. Users tend to find one another.