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How many step marriages work out happily ever after?

readingandlearning's picture

My experience is most of these second or third marriages involving stepkids usually have an expiration date. Stepkids are drama. If the marriages do last it's usually not a happy one. Am I wrong?

advice.only2's picture

Well their first marriage obviously wasn't happy either, or they wouldn't have ended up divorced.

RAJ C's picture

I think many do. You will get a biased sample in this forum as many of us have found this place due to needing some advice or venting, but even here I think there are many that are good happy marriages.

I think it mostly comes to being able to have a mutual project and making sure kids know you and your SO are one same project and that not because one is the bioparent then he/she is more important. Making sure kids know that her parent will always support his/her SO (unless it posses a threat to his/her kids). Making sure kids know that BECAUSE one of you is not their bio parent then he/she deserves more than anyone their respect and should be treated with it. 

For the bioparent many times is difficult to give someone else such rank over her kids, it is even difficult sometimes for two married parents to negotiate and find common ground when you have different opinions on how to raise kids so imagine how difficult it must be for a bioparent to do this with someone who is not the childs bioparent. On the other hand if sometimes dealing with your biokids (specially when they are teenagers) imagine how hard it is for a stepparent to deal with them, specially when your SO (the childs' bioparent) undermines you when there is a difference in opinion on how to raise the child. Add to these the other bioparent, badly drawn boudaries, and any additional drama you throw in the mix and you have a time bomb. 

 

justmakingthebest's picture

We deal with a lot but we deal with it together. I have not ever thought that we weren't going to make it. My DH is by far my best friend in the world. I saw a quote the other day that really hit me it was something like "Some people have a happy place. I have a happy person, when I am with him I am at peace." - That is my husband. 

My world is falling all around me- My daughter and son are both facing medical issues, I am missing so much work, my OSS19 and his disabilities are driving me nuts, BM is being a raging b***h, SS14 is showing his ass... It is just a mess. But we crawl into bed at night, and I look at him and I know that WE are fine. WE are each other's anchor in this storm. 

RAJ C's picture

Reading your post makes me sad that I am not my SO anchor right now and that she is not mine. And I am not sure how to change that.

justmakingthebest's picture

For us, like one of our first dates we talked about the important things to us in marriage. We had both been divorced and didn't even want to "waste time" even dating someone who didn't have the same ideals as we did.

  • Marriage comes first.
  • Date nights are more important than kids wants
  • ALWAYS united in front of the kids. We disagree? Deal with it later in private- the kids will never know when that happens.
  • No secrets, no running off and confiding in friends about stuff that bothers us about each other- we talk through everything together.
  • We don't keep friends of the opposite sex. The one exception is my future BIL. He was my best friend and I set him up with my sister, they are living together with their farm- LOL, there is literally no threat.
  • Spending and saving practices and goals for retirement have been planned

Just whatever it is, we do it together. I don't know if that helps, but being on the same page for your relationship's foundation is kind of a must. Maybe it is time to sit down and talk that stuff through and find your happy medium and move forward together. 

RAJ C's picture

Guess I need to talk to wife soon. I thought all these things were a given but I guess either with time they were all discarded or perhaps they were never shared ideals. All but point 5 about no friends of opposite sex but that probably is not agreed upon are not something I think we hold as shared ideals.

Marriage comes first, guess not as I've been told directly her kids come first for her.

Date nights more important than kids wants. Haven't had a date night for a long time as there is always some reason not to leave kids.

Always united. Been told to stay out of dealing with SS as I just make things worse, even when SS stole from me.

No secrets. Had tons of cases where SS missbehaved hidden from me (told other stories), and bunch of things not having to do with SS.

Spending and saving practices and goals. She would go bankrupt in order to have SS momentarily happy and will complain if I do not help her out of debt once she gets too much into debt.

I guess it is time for me to talk to her about all these points and execute a difficult decision (specially since I would need to make sure that either our DS is safe and well with her or getting custody if it comes to a split) if we can't agree to share same ideals.    

RisingtheWave80's picture

I am right then with you. My DH and I are a united front, we are a team, we are in this together. We have been able to seperate the few things not going right (such as troubled SD14) from all the things that are right in our world. The things that are wrong while they seem BIG they are not our whole world and while its not always easy ( to put it mildly) at the end of the day we have each other. I think with a strong foundation of mutual respect and understanding its you (as a team) against the world you can get through the bumps.

tog redux's picture

DH and I have been together 10 years and we are happy. My sister and her DH have been together close to 30, and they may not be blissfully happy, but they aren't miserable either.  I have a colleague who has been married over 30 years in a stepfamily. 

This site is full of unhappy people, don't take your ideas about whether or not stepfamilies are happy from here. 

ESMOD's picture

With 2nd and 3rd marriages.. there obviously had to be the first failure.. so that may mean that the parties are relatively more likely to pull the ripcord when things get rough.. so that is possible that it is more likely.

Then again.. sometimes parties mature and realize what worked/didn't work.. improved themselves etc.. 

But.. yeah.. when you blend in other people.. kids.. former spouses being a factor.. there are a lot of extra stressors on these relationships.. it's not for the faint of heart.

So far.. mine has worked out.. together since 2003.. so is that a final success?  IDK.. we are still together and kids are grown and out of the house.. 

skatermom's picture

My Stepfather and mother have been married 38 years.  They got married when I was 13, my brother was 14 and my sister was 8.  I would say they are still pretty happy, although I think we put them through hell as teenagers

twopines's picture

My mother and her 2nd husband have been married 30 years, adore each other, and are enjoying their hard-earned retirement.

My coworker has been married to her husband for 27 years, and they are still going strong. He had a daughter from a previous marriage, and then they had 5 more children together.

DH and I have known each other 18 years or so, and have been married 14. 

I don't know if you're wrong, but my experiences are definitely different than what you describe.
 

captjacksprrw's picture

Do some marriages fail as the result of a failure of blended family?   Yes.  That does not have to be the case.  My DW is my best friend and we have been through hell and back.  It is so helpful to be able to vent here because I'm among others who have had similar experiences.  Please take this away.  You CAN make it work if you are both in it.

In my case, the last 4 years have been a negative spiral.  It took until about the time I posted to this site to realize the truths of the matter.  Yes, the kids were a BIG issue with a ton of strain on us not to mention that almost as soon as we married, we took my mentally and physically handicapped sister in law into our house due to my MIL's Alzheimers whic took her from us eventually (she was the BEST).   Anyway, I realized that for me it was that I gave up pushing/fighting/trying to make change and as a result the frustration of not having a honeymoon phase, out of control (at the time) near adults and not being able to feel an equal partner when it came to the two SS's  

Truth is ... it was not 100% the kids.  I had to admit that as much as I love my DW the issue was US.  The answer:  WE have to work on this and there is a lot of rebuilding to be done.  For the first time in 4 years, I can move forward and live toady with our current conditions and not in the past.  Today, my now SS23 is launched and doing amazingly well.  It's difficult to admit (see the line about frustration pent up for years) but my SS28 is improving and there is a great deal of hope all the way around.  We vent here and I can certainly sound like I should just leave but the reality is when the two ADULTS (yes, Bios your kids are always Kids and they are NOT to be in charge) work together it can turn out well.

Personally, I plan on enjoying many years with my DW and many happy times

ldvilen's picture

This is a good question!  I googled your question and one of the first posts to come up was regarding the three steps to having a happy marriage (for anyone):

If you want to learn how to have a healthy marriage and create your own happily ever after kind of love, try these 3 things:

1. Make your spouse a priority.

2. Commit to traveling the marital journey together.

3. Know that there are natural cycles in any committed relationship.

I think these 3 things are crucial; yet, I think when it comes to step-marriages, for some reason, people think none of the above should apply.  Instead, they think the “secret” to having a happy step-marriage is for the step-parent to suck it up and take it.  Just looking at #1 this is what I see:

1. Make your spouse a priority.  There are a billion and one nut jobs out there now, at least, who think “Kids should come first.”  And, some even unabashedly think that that should include BM and her ex- and the kids going out on dinner dates.  The thought is, if DH’s current spouse doesn’t go along with this, she is being immature.  Really!?  How does “make your spouse a priority” get turned into “make your (ex- and) children a priority” after a divorce.  That doesn’t even happen in initial marriages, nor Is it supposed to. 

So, no, there probably really isn’t many happily ever afters for step-marriages.  Society as a whole is too busy pretending that divorce = happily ever after. 

Merry's picture

I almost left my DH a few years ago for issues other than skids, although I'd by lying if I didn't say they weren't contributors.

But once we both recommitted to the marriage, and did the hard work attached to that commitment, we're happy. I don't see anything other than "til death do us part" ahead.

That's not to say we don't have our challenges and slumps, but that's life with or without a partner.

MissTexas's picture

of "happily married." There are a lot of people merely tolerating each other for too many reasons to list here. Years in a marriage does not mean it is a success. I've met a number of people who are in loveless marriages, and remain in them for various reasons.

I've also met those who say trials and struggles have brought them closer together, even some who've had affairs. I don't understand how, but these people exist.

I would have to agree, the challenges in subsequent marriages are exponentially more stressful. Similarly, if the couple is not aligned in their thinking, that is a huge contribution to the failure of marriage, and apparently much of it stems from beliefs about marriage, husband, wife, and kids' roles not being clearly defined, respected  and understood by all.

One of my favorite quotes is: "I'm only as happy as I MAKE UP MY MIND I AM GOING TO BE." That has a different meaning depending on who is reading it and what their circumstances are. I realize we are all in different phases and stages of our journey, and I think everyone, when they married believed in "happily ever after." Some will make it, many will not. *SIGH*

Booboobear's picture

Wellllllll going on almost 25 years now and DH is about the handsomest best husband in the world! I don't think the skids feel the same way about me. 

Indigo's picture

Decades ago, I was a facilitator for a court-mandated, child-abuse prevention program for divorcing couples with minor children.

Back then, the divorce stats were close to 49% first marriage, 75% second marriage, 80% third marriage .... 

The biggest reported troubles in remarriages seemed to be twofold.  First, there was a consistent failure to deal with the emotional baggage from the prior relationship/marriage & all of that was just carried forward into the next relationship .... and, ... drumroll ... second biggest reported reason for failure was related to children from prior relationships & parenting conflicts.

This link is almost a decade old, but there are still pieces that resonate:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201202/t...

ETA:  I understand more recent statistics seem to show that we, as society, are learning & correcting some things & that our continuing relationships are more stable. Maybe we don't date or remarry as much ... maybe we are actually investing time in ourselves before spouse-hopping ... maybe we visit more counselors to work on our current relationships & maybe the psychologists' education is proportionately morphing to reflect post 1945 America. I just don't have current stats to show that perceived fact.

Indigo's picture

All three SGKids coming for Christmas --- ankle-monitors, special court restrictions & overwhelming expectations. Court requires eyes-on, one-on-one adult supervision

Just haven't had the energy to post. I'm a wuss.

Winterglow's picture

Maybe it depends on how bad the first marriage was?

My brother's first marriage was pretty bad - they married too young and she had decided that once she had children she had done her duty as a wife and that was it. She never worked (said she didn't have the time), never attended any school or work events, never learned to cook (why bother when you can open cans?), etc. His family were never welcome and if any of us dropped by, we were treated like a stranger. Her mother was a permanent fixture every evening when he got home from work. She nagged at him relentlessly to make more money. The divorce was high-conflict and she successfully alienated two of their three children. Told them that HE had divorced THEM. However, the upside was that, as she refused to communicated at all with him and, as they lived 900 miles apart, he seldom had to deal with her other than when he took his son for visitation (and she would send him out to bro's car and stay indoors).

Fast forward - his second wife is absolutely perfect for him. They are equals and a truly balanced couple. She had 2 teen daughters. Though he said it wasn't easy in the early days, I met them after they'd been together for a year or so and, frankly, they seemed to have a great relationship with him (they treated him like a loopy uncle lol). Her daughters and his son (we are now over 20 years down the line and all kids are launched, married, and have great careers themselves) consider themselves to be full siblings and stay in contact despite living hundreds of miles apart. My bro and his wife both have separate interests and hobbies but do tons of things together. Both have boosted the other's career in different ways. 

All of that to say, that they are a pretty good example of how second marriages CAN work it just depends on circumstances, who is involved, and how disastrous the first marriage was Smile

 

Thisisnotus's picture

I guess it just depends. I often wonder if second marriages with blended families would have a higher success rate if both sets of bio parents have no conflict and truly want whats best for the kids.....not some personal war against each other which spills over into the new blended family.

I think it also depends on how severe the parenting guilt is in the second marriage.......would there be as much guilt if the bio parents got along and had no conflict?

My marriage is not happy. It is full of drama, anger, fear, sadness, resentment, chaos......the list goes on. And it's mostly because BM is at war with DH....my EX is at war with me.....my DH parents out of guilt so anything goes. Schedules and plans always change.....I never know what to expect from day to day......

I need rules, structure, normalcy, accountability, responsibility, teamwork, unity  etc in a marriage and in my home......I have none of those. It's because we have too many outside influences and "hands in the pot" in our home. Most first marriages don't involve other adults......just the husband and wife....for my second marriage I have me, DH, BM, MIL, FIL and the rest of mine and DH's family who can't accept the first divorce and hold bitterness toward our new blended family...........it is a recipe for failure.

CANYOUHELP's picture

The liklihood for happiness in the first marriage has to be greater, given less conficting interests.  Add all these people together in a 2nd marriage along with a scared daddeee, and yes, if the marriage makes it --it is certainly founded in love. You can make it, the posters above with spouses who follow the spouse first rule are in sync and have less issues.  However, more often, unfortunately, we deal wtih divorced daddees who just want to be liked and anything goes. Most of the time when this happens, the wife checks out.

ldvilen's picture

Yep, manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell.  And, unfortunately, I think the odds are higher that at least one of the bio-parents will fall into their caregory vs. neither BM or DH doing so.  Because, what is really necessary for a blended family to succeed isn't for the SKs and SM to meet in the middle.  What it is is for both BM and DH to accept the divorce, move on, let go of being a joined at the hip couple, parent together, and yet not take manipulative crap (such as us weaponizing the children) from each other.  That is more rare than not.

Some stepmom experts, such as Wednesday Martin, have even gone so far as to say that if the BM doesn't literally give permission to the SKs that they can have a go at a relationship with SM, then a decent relationship between SM and the SKs will never happen.

readingandlearning's picture

The problem is that so many of these parents are kid obsessed and put their kids in the forefront. The kids are clearly prioritized above the significant other regularly. The child also knows this. The child is put on a pedastool. The parent neglects their spouse regularly and everything in the home becomes about the kids. Everything. The kids needs, wants, wishes, desires, choices are put in the forefront constantly. This leaves the significant other not only feeling very neglected but isolated and alone. They are also often disrespected by the children who are well aware that they rule the household and come first. Yes I agree that kids needs come first. However the kids wants, choices and desires should not always come first. Kids should not be making decisions regualrly either. Kids actitivites should not be taking up everyone's schedule constantly, especially when there's another bio parent in their lives who can take on some of the kids activities and leave some time for the couple. I also believe if the child is being disrespectful regularly this is a sign that not only does the child know they rule the household and that they can get away with disrespecting the significant other but also if the parents defends the child it is only a matter of time become the significant other leaves and has had enough. No one should be expected to live under those conditions. Love yourself. A happy marriage is when the parents put their relationship first and kids second. A marriage where "my kids come first" is a recipe for an unahppy marriage or eventually a divorce. I also don't understand these bio parents who hang out with their exes and expect to play happily ever after post divorce.  Yes you should coparent cordially however hanging out with your ex, having meals together and doing things together is extremely invasive for the significant other and destroys the intimacy of the relationship.

markwvualum's picture

These marriages end up so messed mainly because the divorced parent has their priorities out of whack. For example kids aren't treated like kids, spouses aren't treated like spouses, exes aren't treated like exes, and so on and so forth, etc. For example kids are usually treated like adults and made top dog, spouses are treated like kids (or worse, more like the dog "honey pay for my kids such and such and watch them all day then allow them to treat you like insignificant dirt in return) and exes are treated like a spouse (let's hang out and talk nearly everyday and rely on one another and pretend we never divorced). These situations are messy and inappropriate. When there's kids and an ex involved there's always drama. I've also noticed many of these divorced mothers don't have to compromise much when they enter a new relationship. They are allowed to keep the house they live in with their kids which keeps their thumbs of control in the household. Her children are allowed to roam free in "their" house and do as they see fit. You are just moms squeeze moving into her/their turf. You will never be an equal in this situation until she learns what the word compromise means. She chose to get divorced which means she will likely have to compromise now second time around seeing she has kids. Her inability to do so does not make her a good partner nor suitable candidate for marriage. Her kids will grow up to be very entitled and have lots of problems if they don't already. Give it time.

Rags's picture

My DW and I have been married for 25+ years.  This is my second marriage.  It is my brides first though she is the one that brought a child to the marriage.

It works for us because we both make our marriage and each other our priority.  My XW did not make our

marriage or me her priority as much as I tried to do so  with her and our marriage.

My SS's SpermIdiot did make him or his mom a priority.  His focus was to impregnate every underage womb in SpermLand.  My DW quit tolerating his crap and got on with her life by going to college in order to provide for her son and herself.  The SpermIdiot just kept breeding spawn he could not afford to support.  He ended up with 4 all out of wedlock spawn by 3 different baby mamas. My SS is eldest and our only.

My DW and I have made our marriage and each other our priority and raising SS our top relationship responsibility.  SS-27 is a great young man of character.   I became his dad when his mom accepted my proposal before he turned 2yo.  He asked me to adopt him when he was 22.  We made that happen.

That his mom and I modeled a mature commited adult relationship and kept him abreast of the facts regarding his mom, his BioDad and the manipulative crap gave SS the foundation he needed to grow into a man of character and standing in  his profession and community.  This is the basic frame work that has worked for us in building a durable quality marriage.