You dodged a bullet for sure! And hit the jackpot with your current wife. You are winning! I used to say, "I can't believe (Insert name here) would do that!" I really was naive. The older I get I have learned many people will do whatever it takes to get ahead, to save money, etc.

They don't earn it with decency so they learn to make it on their own, or they learn to be decent. Odds are not on them learning to be decent.

Isn't that the truth? I recently learned of something YSD daughter did that totally turned my opinion around. It wasn't outright horrible but it was very insensitive, very immature, and very hurtful to her father (and I). And the rest of 'the family' went along with it, except DH. Fast forward, she just had a negative life event. My first instinct was to XYZ, because I always XYZ to show my support. I decided I am done showing support of any kind. She is now on my list of be cordial and move on. Yes, I flushed her too. Because I found out she really isn't decent; like many, she looks out for herself only. Thank you, no.

I did a whole lot of flushing this weekend. I feel like I should have done it a long time ago.

Bare their ass, public embarrassment, constant pointing out of their crap to them and anyone who is present, ignore them, grey rock them, tell them to leave your presence, don't invite them to any event, publish their bullshit without fail, etc, etc, etc...

Find what works and use it, then escalate from there.

Whatever it takes to keep them as uncomfortable as possible, firmly isolated and as distant as possible.

It is not empathetic, it is not kind. Though they are neither kind nor empathetic and deserve nothing more than they give.

Hence, pain.

When they start their crying, bare their ass some more with "Your bullshit is not working out so well for you is it? So crawl back under your rock and stay there."

IMO, the worst thing you can do to a narcissist is IGNORE them, ERASE them, shut them out of your mind.

And...it's the BEST thing to do for yourself!

I just read about this characteristic of narcissists! Narcissists will turn others into abusers in order to justify their victimhood. They do this by using "coded" language to cause their targets to feel that somehow they've wronged the narcissist. They'll even cause the target to feel hate and become angry towards him so that they'll literally start to victimize the narcissist which gives him what he wants. I was thinking about how SS is the only one I feel as resentful as I am towards him. I do not generally feel that way about people. I've felt guilty about that, but after reading this article, I wonder how much SS has played a part in instilling exactly the kind of reactions in me that would fit into his narrative. But I think SS reserves the bulk of his projections for dh. I have often thought that dh acts like he's under some kind of spell when it comes to SS. He feels guilty a lot, and bends over backwards to give everything SS wants. He snarls at me if he thinks I'm harming SS, which in his perception I'm doing all of the time when in truth it's SS who has been the ultimate bully towards me.

I've always thought that BM is definitely a narcissist, and maybe borderline as well. But I'm only just starting to think that SS is one too. I don't think you can officially diagnose someone until they're 18 yo or older. Over the fall and spring, he was deflated and laying low because his friends were gone, and he had few to keep him "supplied". But now that SS's friends are back, it's like he's filling up on their "supply" and SS has been strutting around shirtless (ugh!!!!!), and acting like Prince Royalty. I think this past fall and spring were when he really played up his victim card. He hung about the house every weekend, clung to his dad, and put on a pouty, hurt face whenever I wasn't warm enough which caused DH to get mad at me. But now that SS' friends are around, SS has ghosted his dad for the most part. I just hope to goodness that DH actually sees the duplicity this time.

Right! Sometimes there is no other way than negative to view a person's words or actions. 

2 Questions:

1. Why are they trying to cover for someone else?

2. Why are the putting the onus of interpretation on themself?

Or, have they just never encountered this type of person and don't understand?

I like to believe in honesty and goodness of intention, but with some you just 'know' they are not on that wavelength.

"Other people’s actions are neutral, it’s what we think about them and what we make them mean that dictates how we feel."

Of course the poor syndromed downtrodden (Fill in the pseudo science syndrome of the moment) cannot be held accointable for their syndrome. They can't help it.

Bullshit.

They can help it.  History proves it.  When this shit was not tolerated, it was next to non existant.   There was no massive investment in time and resources to figure them out. There was a trip out back of the woodshed where the razor strop was applied firmly.  This occurred as often as necessary for the perpetrator of the behavioral bullshit to extricate their head from their own ass.

The completely out of control individuals would either end up in an institution or they would no longer be present in the community.

It worked. 

This coddling pseudo science crap does not work well enough or frequently enough to make it worth the effort. 

Define the problem, establish the standard, enforce the standard, apply the consequence. If that is not effective, adjust and apply a modified consequences. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Woodshed, razor strop.  Proven effective over the entire course of human history.

Direct, simple, effective.

Even when there is a legitimate Dx.  At some level, the perpetrating individual has to be required to own their choices.  Responsible parents and quality people make the perpetrators live the consequences of their choices.

and the character/emotional/psychological defect of victim hood.

However, even with actual victims there is an onus for them to address the issue and deal with the baggage that they are/were burdened with by their abuser.  An actual abuser.

So many Skids/CODs were not victimized in the least but gain advantage in claiming the status of victim.  

Calling their bullshit is what responsible viable adults in the mix do.

IMHO of course.

"Yes, the divorce was hard on everyone.  However, pull your head out of your ass, grow up, and stop claiming that history as abuse of you. That never happened. Grow TF up!"

In as tender a manner as is appropriate of course. If the kid has earned a patient gentle approach, then approach the topic with patience and some gentleness. If not, then go scorched earth.  Deliver using the method that is most effective for that kid. Not to preserve their fee fees, not to coddle them, but to get the point across effectively.

Wanted to qualify that "victimhood" is not at all the same as being an actual victim. Victimhood as an identification is a personality issue and not a result of an event that can and should be rectified.

This makes me think of OSD; like your SS, facts do not matter to her. She believes I "stole her Daddy" so she needs to make me pay by destroying relationships and turning people against me. Only she isn't smart enough to realize that the people who believe her nonsense are not people I would choose to have relationships with. Perhaps I should be grateful that they have shown their true colors?!

I consider personality disorders to be "types of a$$holes." There are people with legit mental health conditions. No doubt there. And as far as personality disorders, i know there is a genetic predisposition to emotional dysregulation. Upbringing makes a difference as well, as far as how a person was raised, childhood trauma, etc. A lot of personality disorders are "passed down", in that people with them come from families with a lot of them. Behavior is a complex thing. BUT - understanding them and empathizing does not mean that i will put up with/allow myself to be harmed by these a-holes! 

I scored high on some tests and low on others as well and I had no (perhaps naively) test taking anxiety. Lol 

Is home economics even an actual major anymore? My great Aunt had a masters in home economics. Her house was neat as a pin and she was an excellent seamstress. She and her husband never had kids, didn't want them. 
In the area where I live the social services dept is in cahoots with court professionals, judges, lawyers, court affiliated therapists, custody evaluatiors, parent coordinators and the list goes on and on. The new workers don't realize they are being used, the good workers quit and the ones that stay on are the corrupt ones. They don't care about kids, they care about scratching each others backs. $$$ 

go into that major out of a love for the associated knowledge, who want to help others. There are truly good people in any profession, there are also narcs.  One think about narcs is that they are often extremely intelligent.

That is why they have to be held to the facts and the truth and not allowed to weasel their way past those facts.  

Though the distribution makes it clear that those are the exception and not the rule for a number of majors.

Good people do not need a manual on how to human. They just get it.  These types, are the ones that rules, standards, boundaries, and effective consequences for deviating from those things are in place for.  Interestingly, they are also the ones who whine, cry, and gnash their teeth when they get smacked with a rolled up copy of the structured instruction manuals.

Interestingly, the rules break the hearts of those who inherently know how to human.  We want to help, when we can't because of the applicable rules, it breaks our hearts. Where the narcs violate the rules wholesale and are only upset by them when they get caught violating them.

For me, the rules protect my heart.  They are what they are and though it hurts to enforce them, those who violate them made a choice to do so. That makes applying consequences far easier on me.

Is it bad that I have grown to enjoy applying the consequences when the narcs violate them?