I have felt that way too, I too still have ex in my mind constantly as to what she is going to say and do. I think a whole part of it is just us being so worried that our husband might go back w/this woman and we don't want that to happen. And then it's about us not wanting to share our man with any other woman. So everytime they speak to each other we feel irritated and discusted by the whole thing. Don't stress your husband re: ex unless it's hurting your family.... keep your love and caring for each other and that will help not to feel insecure about the two of you. you need to control your emotions when it's about the ex.

-happy mom

I say first of all, its hard to let go of the fact that your man was with this woman. I am not sure how long they were together.. But I can totally relate to how you feel. I too can be the same way. I have had to tell myself that my husband married me, and tell myself who in there right mind marries someone "just because", that being said my husband loves me and had many chances to get back with his ex the mother of his children and he didn't he is with me. He took on responsibility with me for my 2 children as well, who are 10 and 7. Its in my eyes normal to feel the way you are feeling. I get aggrivated when he talks to his ex too some times but I just have to reassure myself that he is with me..

Now about the second part. GF you need to spend sometime on yourself so you feel good about yourself.. I too have gotten down about how I look and all that stuff. Focus on making yourself feel good again. So basically put yourself above all this other stuff.

Remember he is with you for a reason and probably had many chances to go back to her.. You know...
Best of luck....

I hear two different issues in your complaints. The first is your appearance. I know that when I feel down on myself, or am not feeling well, it very quickly spirals down. Pictures of other woman, such as the "ex", or models on tv, or in magazines, its just a reminder of what I feel I need to do for myself. But that is a personal issue - not a reflection on what my husband sees, or feels towards me. That is probably the case in your situation as well. He loves you for you. I would not compare myself to his ex - considering all you know about her - including the fact that the first impression she wants to give is of her underwear-clad body. OMG.

The other issue is your husband tip toeing around this issue with his ex, and the ex putting picutres of his daughter online. If he is like my husband, he just doesn't want to rock the boat so to speak and is very nonconfrontational. He is afraid to deal. When I hear him talk about the whether or sports when he's talking to his ex, I think WTF are you thinking?! She has cost us thousands and thousands of dollars, took his daughter out of state, cheated on him, ripped his heart out, and then have small talk about the weather instead of just saying "hey, take down the pictures!".

I don't know that I helped much - sorry - but I guess I needed to vent some too. Hope it gets better.

Anytime you let the x (or anyone else for that matter) get to you, she/they win. If you get angry or exhibit that kind of response, they win. You cannot change how other people are or act, you can only change how you respond. Jealousy, for whatever reason, will eat you and your relationship alive. As it has been suggested already, talk to your husband about how you feel about all of this. Do your best not to trash or badmouth the x (as much as you will want to)....stick to YOUR feelings and what this all means to you. After you have done that...let it go. Keep in mind you can't change how he will react, just to your best to explain. In order to avoid argument and finger pointing, try beginning your sentences with "When you.....I feel.....", or "When you said ......., I felt". Get out of the "competition" you feel with her ie: your looks compared to hers, etc. There IS no competition. You are who you are and you need to be comfortable with that. He is with YOU, not her, and that speaks volumes. By allowing her to invade your thoughts, you are actually creating a problem where there should not be one. Think of the satisfaction she gets when she knows her talking to him drives you crazy. As sad as it is, we need to learn to play their game....but we play it by OUR rules and not theirs. You are in control here, not her, but you are giving control to her when you question yourself. I understand this all drives you nuts, and i am not condoning his behavior, but remember....men see things much differently that women do. Women see the games other women play and men are completely blind to it and get sucked in. I encourage you to have a sincere and heartfelt conversation with him....no arguing....only talking about feelings. Even if he says something you don't agree with or like......tell him "i understand that, or "I understand what you are saying",,,,,,,and then back to how you feel.

Good Luck.....Hope this gets better for you

Reading this post has just completely opend my eyes more than I ever thought. The things that were said and advice that was given was so helpful to me as I see that it seemed to be helpful to others. I have the same issue with one of my BF's ex's. After reading this I will really make an effort not to let her rent space in my head..at least not negitive space. The elastic thing seemed like it might be a start.

I cannot beging to express my thanks for this site and all of the people on it. This is only my second day on here, I found it yesterday, and already I am starting to feel...well I dont know what the right word for it is but its good. I really dont know what to say as far as giving advice to your situation, because I am in the same, but the advice given here seems to me like something I am willing and going to try.

Janice, I love that you have posted and revealed your feelings on being on the other end of it all. I respect that alot and it is helpful to me as well knowing that the other end has some of the same issues, yet different, to deal and handel with also. My respect goes out to you.

Hope everything gets better for all.

Mama Lindsay

I'm 41 and although I'm holding my own...age wise. I'm at a point in my life..where yeah..

I have to die my hair..I'm 50/50 grey
I have wrinkles around my eyes...I've earned them.
My pearly whites aren't..as pearly and white as they used to be
I weigh as much now...as I did when I was 9 months pregnant with my children....(not a good feeling).but I'm not in my 20's or 30's anymore ...its my 'new normal wieght'....... BUT I HAVE BOOBS NOW!!!

Most of the time I'm good with it all...
But it does get me down...when my butt doesn't fit into my favorite jeans. When my roots start to come in again and its OMG!!! THE GREY!!!

Aging is part of life....don't be insecure about your looks

We all know most of the time peoples attractiveness comes from sooooooo many other things....99.9 % is from what they have on the inside.

He says I'm lucky cause most guys only have '6 pack'......and he has 'a 24'.......lol

Be happy with you....what-ever wrapping it comes in!!!!!!!:)

I know you may be a "man's man" but I would suggest a retreat weekend for the two of you...Retrouvaille. This is a weekend run all over the world for couples whose marriage is in trouble. My husband and I went and go for the follow up sessions as well. In fact the National Conference is in Alabama in the fall so we are going to that.

Retrouvaille teaches couple about communicating, trust, sharing feelings, values, conflict resolution. It is fabulous and I would highly recommend it!

I am curious cplstv
Why is it, do you think(I already heard her side), that you can freely express yourself to her and others on here but she feels the need to hide her true self from you?
Is Lisa's issues with your ex solely her issue or have there been contributing factors by you and/or your ex that cause or increase her insecurity?
On many of the posts I have seen in here I am noticing that the most secure wives are the ones whos husbands put the women in their life in their proper place.
Maybe there has to be some choices.For you: Lisa or the ex and to what level for each or both.
For Lisa: You with or without the ex and how much of the ex.
Lisa sounds like a compassionate and forgiving person to allow 3 of her exes to reside with her. Especially if one brought his wife and child.
Does she still show this much towards them now that she is with you?
You also state that Lisa takes no responsibility for the difficulties between you her and your ex. Do you? Does your ex? Have sincere apologies been made by all involved?
If you choose to retain your friendship with your ex does it include Lisa or is it hidden or private? This can cause very strong insecurities.
If the two of you are going to retain friendships with your exes can you both make sure that the friendships are respectful to your relationship with eachother and stand united if boundaries are crossed?
I would continue with the questions only because I believe that thouroughly examining situations from all perspectives can be very helpful, but as I am trying to ask I am feeling that my own personal experiences are biasing my questions and I am also answering them for myself while I ask....this is getting confusing-LOL
Good luck, keep us posted
Trinity

Not only do I have a boyfriend with an evil ex that bugs the hell out of me, but I also AM an Ex.

Being the ex I want to ask a question of the new wives, girlfriends, significant other....Would you want to be with a man that treated his ex like crap??? My ex met a woman and she fell in love with him because she was so impressed by how well he and I got along during and after our divorce. But even after the divorce she would answer the phone and tell him it is your wife calling. That love for how we got along had turned to jealousy and fear that we got along to well. It took a lot of work for her and I to be able to communicate and for her to see that we had divorced because we where not right for each other. Once her and I where able to get along and talk things got much better. But I am not your normal ex. I am quiet and shy and never argue or say anything mean. I try to get everyone to get along. That is what is best for the kids.

Now as the new woman dealing with one of the Exs from hell let me go against everything I just said above....Ok I feel in love with a loving, caring, gentle and soft spoken man. So why do I get mad when he wont get a little pissed off and tell her like it is??? I know why he doesn't yell, he is trying to stay calm and not cause more issues and he is being the man I fell in love with. She is manipulative, lies more than anyone I have ever known, has tried to blackmail him with false abuse accusations. I know he will never go back to her and the abuse she caused him in their marriage, yet I can't stand if he talks to her and I am not around. I let her get under my skin with her hateful words about me, even though she has never spoke directly to me. I have gotten better, but when it comes to the kids and something serious such as medical care or the way she has turned his daughter against him, I want to scream and ask her what the hell is wrong with her and I get aggravated when I feel he isn't standing up to her and just letting her control him as she did in their marriage.

What do we do to keep it from coming between us??? WE TALK ABOUT IT. We don't fight or argue. I calmly tell him that it bothers me that he is not standing up for himself. He explains his side. We do this to make sure he is doing what is best for the kids, and not letting anything important go overlooked. Sometimes he just didn't want to have to hear her go off on him so he stays nice and is calm and agreeable with her. Then WE decide what needs to be done to fix the situation. She is not someone you can work with, so trying to get her to go along with anything is impossible. I love that he is the calm, loving, patient man that he is, and we balance each other out well when I flip over the stuff she does in regards to the kids.

One last thing to think about....if something happened and you and your husband ended up divorced with kids involved...how would you want to be treated?? Guess I am a sucker when it comes to believing in "Do unto others as you would have done unto you" and "Treat others as you would want to be treated". Even if an Ex is the biggest pain there ever was, staying calm and keeping the peace will get you much farther that fighting because of her.

Plus if you are nice while they are being mean and nasty to you think of this as a bonus...your nice sweet smile will really piss them off even more when they see they can't get to you. I learned a little trick when someone attacks you and puts you down...Thank them..sound silly? try it and see how flustered they get. Call you stupid...tell them you have been thinking of going back to school for your degree and thank them for their input. Call you ugly...thank them as you where thinking about changing your hair style and you appreciate their input. LOL ok I am nice and sweet, but sometimes that really pisses off the people that are full of hate and anger because I refuse to let anyone control me or push my buttons.

Love the one you are with, tell them everyday, and as hard as it may be...NEVER go to bed angry.

Robin

You need to get her out of your head. Why are you allowing someone else to control your daily thoughts and feelings? You are allowing her to take up all your energy, concentrate on your family and forget about her. Make life good and smile, be happy, toss her to the curb, she is old news. The past has no future. So light the candle to the love in your life and make the passion keep burning. You are the author or your own book. Jealousy is an evil thing all humans have within them.Let it go. Your husband married you because he loves you don't destroy what you have by allowing the ex to control your emotions.
Ellen

I am so glad I found this site. My bf's ex is fat, lazy & ugly nothing to be jealous of, lol. My whole issue is that he just goes along with anything she wants. Why does he have enough guts to argue with me, the woman he asked to marry him but yet he's scared of someone that he no longer has a relationship with? I don't get it.

.

I have not always had the "Peaches and Cream" relationship with my SS's BM that I have now. And now that we have gotten to know each other, there is a trust there. She has revealed to me MANY of the same thoughts and feelings that BIOMOM expressed in her very well worded run down of what she goes through every other weekend- or however often she takes "Timmy" to his Dad's house. Now, I have to take those emotions and mulitipy it by 3.5 days a week, as we have 50/50 custody of my SS. My ex has not remarried nor had a long term relationship since our split, so I have not had to be the "evil" BM and I hope that by taking what I read on here and the experiences I have had with my SS's BM, I will LEARN and USE this information to help me through the same feelings I will have when it does happen, and it will.
I have actually had conversations with BM about how she wanted to slash my tires at work (we worked for the same company) or how she has told SS in the past that I am a bad person and not to hug me etc. She admits her jealous tendencies and we have been able to work through the fact that DH and I didn't buy a big house to make HER mad... we did it to better our lives for our family. We don't take the kids to Disneyland to make her jealous- we do it because the kids have been exceptionally well behaved and they deserve a special treat. I am not real sure what the turning point was in the "relationship" between BM and I, but I am sure glad that it happened. It is actually to the point that a few weeks ago while having some potty training issues with my SS, DH and I went and spent several hours at BM's house with her and SS showing her how we get him to "go" in the toilet.
I still cringe when she talks about her past with MY HUSBAND, or even when SS says he wants his Mommy when he is being punished with us for drawing with crayon on the wall... but I have to keep in mind a few things-
ONE- this is for the best intrest of "Timmy" and I have to put MY insecurities aside-
TWO- Being in contact with BM who has had issues in the past with drugs and keeping jobs, etc etc etc, keeps me in the loop of what is really going on while SS is with her and I know the warning signs of when she is getting off track because I know her so well. And
THREE- DH chooses to be with ME, despite the fact that his son now has two homes, two families, and all of the emotional situations that go along with that, BM is NOT a threat- if he wanted to be with her, he would go.

BIOMOM-I have seen that there has been some "rebuttals" regarding your comments... however, unless one has been in the situation- one cannot assume they KNOW why people do or act the way they do at times. You ARE the other side of the coin and there has to be some level of respect from all; for you to voice the opinion or point of view of the one that is so "hated" on this site- THE EVIL "BIO MOM"! I would hope that some (or many) in this situation (that I am sure all SM's have been in at one point in their relationship with DH) can take your side of the story and learn from it.
After I posted I sat back and tried to remember what the turning point really was with BM and I, and I actually sorted through some old emails... It was when BM moved in with a man that had a son the same age as ours. Being the SM is NOT easy and she gained a boatload of repsect for me when she realized that it is not always a cakewalk to love another child as your own... she ended up splitting up with this man because of his SON, she was not able to handle the role of SM. But I attempted to help her through this and save her relationship by being a source of support when she was not sure how to handle a situation. She has always known that I LOVE her son, she didn't like to ADMIT it, but she sought my advice often when she was attempting to save her relationship.

My situation is far from typical, but it is what works. And since she has realized that DH and I do not sit and dream up ways to make her jealous, the repeated phone calls to DH about absolutely NOTHING (she recently admitted to purposely calling for NO reason on days like MY birthday- valentines Day- Just so we would have to think about her on those "special" days) have come to a stop, the withdrawn personality and hesitation to show me affection from my SS has STOPPED. Life is much easier and to be honest I even consider her a friend. We have a lot in common being that we are raising the same boy and all. I even chat with her mom on occassion, they are grateful that I do love him so much. It took a lot to get to this point, but I would not change it for the world.
All that being said- BM still "rents space" in my head, but not in a negative way. I think it is normal for any mom to wonder what their child is doing while at their "other home". That will never change. But the thoughts don't always have to be negative... believe it or not, if all involved parties have the CHILDS best interest in mind- THEN WE ARE ALL ON THE SAME TEAM! Regardless of harsh words or dirty looks in the past. It is worth swallowing your pride to make your childs growing years as NORMAL as possible despite a nasty divorce.