Just need to vent, sometimes I wonder how and why we become “Step’s”

SD is 11 going to be twelve in July, I have been with DH since she was 2. We were living together in California for a year before we moved to Colorado. I expected him to be divorced when we moved here and he thought that BM had filed papers and finalized the divorce (Yeah right). Nothing had been done so I started the process of filing( love my husband but he cannot handle the legal stuff) I wrote up a parenting plan which gave the BM pretty much everything but asked her to give up his name, which caused chaos. So away to the lawyers we went. At this point my “still married boyfriend” had not had one overnight with his 3 year old daughter. Each time SD came over she would not stay the night. We found out later the BM was telling her our house was scary.

Well this is how the custody was delivered by the judge even though we went through a custody evaluation and the evaluators thought joint would be best. The BM was given sole decision making but it did not define what that meant (I know it means school, doctors, activities, religion). The parenting time is split 57/43. In a 14 day time period we get 6 days and she get 8 days but the dumbest schedule ever. Week one we get SD Thursday, Friday ,Saturday and she goes to BM on Sunday and Monday them comes back to use Tuesday morning and stays Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and goes back Friday and we don’t see her again until the next Thursday. SD has always hated this schedule and doesn’t understand why she goes back to BM for one day and then comes back. She would like to stay for a week in each home. So now we are just fed up with the whole situation, parenting time and the BM power trip have sole decision making. She is a control freak and uses it to control SD and DH. She has made sure to tell the teachers at SD school that I cannot have contact with the teachers or sign any permission slip. It’s time for a change!

I am sure you are thinking it’s been 8 years why haven’t you tried to change before? We have asked BM to change parenting time to a week each but she wants nothing to do with it. She keeps telling the SD that she wants DH to only have SD every other weekend and that would be the change she would go for. Is this really best for SD? Anyway, each and every time I call a lawyer they tell me that unless there has been a dramatic change or some sort of abuse a judge is unlikely to change the orders. The next question is if the SD wants a change why doesn’t she just tell the BM or a judge. She is way too scared of BM and BM manipulation to say anything that would go against BM wishes. The manipulation runs deep and has been going on ever since my husband and I have been together. Of course I think she is completely jealous of my relationship with DH but what do I know. I am looking for some advice on how to make the best case for ourselves to get the custody changed.

Sorry it’s so long and choppy but I could have went on and on for pages and pages, any help would be great.