New and in desperate need of advice!
I just found this site and figured I would reach out for help since no other avenue has helped. So any advice is welcomed 
I guess I should begin with a background of the problem..
I've been married to my "DH" for 16 months and we are expecting our first child together in December .. and have a 12 y.o. "SD".
My DH has no backbone when it comes to his ex, MIL, SD, or anyone on his side of the family. We agree on something, and all they have to do is call and he's turning his back on me and changing things without consulting me. His family feels sorry for the SD because her mother is bi-polar and doesn't take her medicine correctly... which means SD is in charge... She gets everything she wants.. no rules, limitations, just a free ride...
SD lives halfway across the country (THANK GOODNESS!).. which means I don't have to put up with her antics on a daily basis.. but the month I spent with her made me suicidal. She would not bathe.. she refused to eat anything except junk food.. SD was so mean to our dog that the dog would only sit beside me and refused to eat if SD was in the same room. I told her that in the even that the dog lashes out at her.. it would be her own fault.
I ask DH for help with the situation... he gets upset with her and we decide that she has lost her cell phone (that the ex's mom got her) until she can behave. She throws a fit and wants to talk to her g-ma.. who then call DH and demand that SD have her cell phone. Eventually I disassembled the phone and left it in pieces in various parts of the house so she couldn't put it together. That caused a riff between DH & I because I was 'being cruel to his baby'. We were on our way to the OB/GYN to find out the sex of our baby and DH was trying to make conversation with SD.. He asked her what she thought about having another sibling and which gender would she prefer... the first thing that flew out of SD's mouth was "I don't care.. but I don't want to watch it because if I had a baby and it was crying I would kick it to shut it up". I was mortified, and at that very moment I had no doubt in my mind that this brat was evil. DH tried to laugh it off and be like 'oh *****, its just a baby.' No one else was laughing. The next day I took her with me to the store for groceries, and she said 'you know if you would give me whatever I want I'd do what you ask'. I quickly informed her that she doesn't even take a bath-- how can she be mature enough to be in charge. I text DH and tell him what she said... and all I get is "she's just a little kid".
Now that SD is back at her mom's house.. She tells everyone " I hope Dad gets a divorce.. I don't want to go back to his house, she makes me do stuff that I don't want to do.." DH only hears from her when she wants something. She texted him and told him she wanted money for her birthday and that her mom gave her $50... (her grades are horrible, so I was thinking ok.. 10$ will do, and she's lucky to get that) -- DH goes behind my back, and sends her $80. In the meanwhile.. I have asked to go to the petstore to get our dog treats and toys because her old ones are tattered and unsafe. The dog is happy with anything you give it, and is in heaven if you give it a cheap toy, so I just wanted to spend $15 on it. I also wanted to go look at cribs and stuff for our baby... and I get scolded because 'we don't have the money right now'. We haven't bought anything for our baby...because 'we don't have money'. How do we not have enough money to buy the dog a couple of tennis balls and *something* for our baby... but yet SD gets $80 and whatever else he sent her without telling me?
Is it bad that I do not want SD within the same state as the baby? I don't trust her, and I don't want to deal with the bs his family brings. I've gotten to the point where I cannot eat hardly.. which is dangerous to both me and my child. I get maybe an hour of sleep at night and suicide has even crossed my mind at one point.. (but I'm terrified of dieing-- so it really scares me that I've gotten to this state mentally) I told DH about how I'm feeling.. and all I get is "Suicide is for crazy people.. how f***ing selfish can you be.. taking SD's little sister away from her"
Like I said.. I need any advice/help I can get.. Please be kind-- I already feel like trash because of the fact that suicide has crossed my mind. That's why I'm reaching out for help.
Hi, I think I replied to a
Hi, I think I replied to a comment of yours on another thread but now I read more about your situation I thought I'd comment again.
1. See your doctor
You should visit your doctor and explain how you have been feeling. Those are serious feelings and they deserve to be taken seriously. You and your baby are your priority.
2. Take a break.
Quite apart from the stress your DH and SD are causing you, it may be that raging hormones are contributing to your stressed state of mind, or exhaustion given you're not getting much sleep, but either way, is it possible for you to take a break? Stay with family or friends for a few days and be looked after? If so then you should arrange it as soon as possible. You need a breather and he needs some time to reconsider his attitude.
3. Leave him with some food for thought
Before you go you should put some points to him to consider in your absence, either in an email or in person. Your not being there will make him think about how important you and the baby are to him. I would point out that:
-You love him, you want to build a good relationship with his daughter, but it's hard, and that effort on your part deserves some support and appreciation. You need to feel that you and the baby have a place in his priorities too.
-Stress and anxiety is not good for you or the baby. Regardless of whether he thinks your depression is warranted, you need his support. Accusing you of selfishness because you are feeling so low you have contemplated the worst form of escape, is unsympathetic and unsupportive and has made you feel worse.
-His daughter's comment about how she would behave towards the baby was not acceptable. It is understandable that she may feel insecure and jealous about the arrival of a new baby. If he wishes to promote a positive relationship between his daughter and the new baby he should have taken his daughter's attitude seriously and done something to resolve it, for her sake as much as for yours and the baby's.
-If you are a partnership then it is not fair to make financial decisions that impact on your household budget, and your ability to prepare for the baby. SD doesn't need money, she needs time and attention. But your baby does need a cot!
4. Read some books
The books, and sites like this, help show that you are not mad, or selfish, or unreasonable. They will also illustrate that a lot of his behaviour is typical of separated Dads. If you understand it you stand a better chance of managing it and coping with it. I liked 'The Step Parents Parachute', a lot of people recommend 'Stepmonster'.
5. Know that your baby is going to make you very very happy
When your baby arrives and you realise you have never loved anything so much in your entire life, it will be a huge comfort. When my baby arrived I was finally able to take a step back and stop stressing so much about my SKids, my baby was a focus and a distraction, and knowing I was building a great relationship with my own child helped me agonise less about my relationship with the SKids, which ironically then improved a lot. You may well find that your DH's attitude changes when the baby arrives. They will BOTH be his and it will be more difficult for him to prioritise one over the other. Sometimes SD may get more than she deserves but ultimately your child will have something much more valuable - both parents, together.
I really hope this helps. A big hug to you and good luck with your baby.
My dear am so sorry I do
My dear am so sorry I do know
What you goin thru thank god
My hubby znt dat dumb coz he
Knows the min I start feelin
No 2 in the list I wud walk out
On him without even a goodbye
Bt u know what you can't blame
The step kids its the dad thts
Spoiling her I guess u n him nid
To sit n tok most probably hz doin
That coz hz guilty for the divorce
So u nid to let him know that
If that's the problem then ud rather
B happy on ur own than being
In a relationship wch he considers
To b hz weakness now I kno its hard
To take tht step bt u nid to think
Bout ur baby u wudnt want her growing
Up feeling no 2 coz that's wat will happen
Now I kno its hard bt u gotta b strong
I say this coz I hav lost two pregnancies
in the last two years thanx to my
5yr sd and 6yrz ss they come evry three
Mnths for a 4wk vacation n evrytime they liv
They go with ma baby I was depressed and suicidal
Till I then n there made my dcision I dint wrong my
Hubby nor am I the reason for their
Failed marriage so y shud I go thru all
That heartache so I asked him to make a choice
To stand up the bm n kids or am done
N bliv u me he did he threatened
Bm to stop payin the kids welfare if she wudnt
Stop feeding the kids heads with lies
And poison. She survives on that money so
She had no choice and the kids
Realised that am here to stay so they now respect me.
Isn't it sad!I pray god gives
Isn't it sad!I pray god gives you
The strength u nid to
Face this problem and evrything
To work out for you remember
You won't b doing anyone a favour
By taking ur life u'll only b pleasing
The s....u kno!at this time expecting
Ur first child u shud b in the air rite
Now don't let anyone take that blessing
Moment away from you...
I think you have to be
I think you have to be careful about the anger, because it can be as destructive to be angry a lot of the time as it is to be sad (I have been there), but I do agree that you have to be 'in touch' with your anger in the sense that you stand up for your rights and act assertively. And actions definitely speak louder than words in commuicating what you will and will not put up with in a relationship, especially when your words are being drowned out in his head by the Voice of Guilt with regard to his daughter. Your words will speak louder if they carefully composed and written down, and you are not there.
Very true!!
Very true!!
I am happy that the little
I am happy that the little girl lives far away from you!!!
I have had to take my kids away on the weekend that by ss has been here before due to having the same thoughts as you are having.
I was so terrified that he was going to do something to them, I took them away from him. I have nightmares about him, I can't sleep a few days before he comes over. I think that we are going to have serious problems with him as he becomes a teenager.
I told my partner that if it ever came to me saying I don't want ss in our house due to his behaviour would he back me up. He said he would as our children are so much younger than him and he shares my concern. We have probs with BM who won't take him to see anyone as she is embarrassed to have a psycho as a kid.
At least you only have her in one dose and once you have had your baby (it seems unbelievable now) but that baby will give you the strength you need to stand up for what you know is right when SD is with you.
Once you hold your own precious little baby in your arms you automatically will have to protect them. You will also feel that you can understand the girls problems more and will want to help her - but you will always want to protect your baby first and foremost and your instincts will guide you and hopefully benefit your situation.
Good luck!!
Thank you for all of the
Thank you for all of the advice and suggestions.. I apologize for not replying earlier. I went to my mom's for a couple weeks and withdrew from everything to try and relieve stress. DH swears he was going to die from starvation and said that the dryer is evil because his clothes kept disappearing! haha!
I did write DH a 1,600 word letter about things that have been bothering me. I took extra time to ensure that everything was broken down and not offensive to him... And that was a flop, I asked him about the letter and he said he'd talk to me about it later... Needless to say he said he doesn't plan on doing anything about the problems with SD-- because he doesn't think there are any problems.
I informed him that his family is not welcome to our home around our newborn child until he takes care of the situation. If things aren't better after a month or two I'm probably going to go ahead and move back to my parents house until I can get on my feet. I don't see how people deal with problems similar to mine for 5-10 years and even longer.. I don't think it will be fair to my baby girl if I don't take charge of this and either make DH take care of things or get her away from SD, DH, MIL, and the rest of the family permanently.