Regrets and Hindsight of a stepmom
When I met my first husband it was love at first sight. I loved his son who loved me also. Unfortunately I was young and Allowed his crazy BM to get under my skin. Looking back she really was not that bad. I allowed myself to become crazy about trying to control how my first husband did everything regarding his ex and child. Eventually he could no longer deal with it and we divorced. Totally my fault. He’s now Happily Remarried and I’m long forgotten. I tried to move on and remarried. My current DH is a wonderful man also BUT has a totally nasty ex AND a demon child who is 12. I met BOTH 1st and 2nd husbands when step kids were 3 years old. Weird I know. I tried to bond with both step kids. Unlike my first SS who loved and Respected me as a step mom my second SS is a God awful Disrespectful brat who Purposely torments me. The older second SS gets the worse he gets towards me. I’ve mentioned it many times to DH and he either does not see it as s big deal or does not know what to do about it. DH fears if he pushes SS to much he won’t come over. I Get anxiety attacks when this brat is do to come over. With the lockdown in place I can’t even get away for a few days or even a day.
Today my first SS who is in his early 20s text me Happy Mother’s Day and I got all Emotional as he is living out of state now. Even though I’m divorced from his father he still considers me “step mom”.
Current SS would NEVER even if DH told him to wish me a happy mother’s day. SS will Purposely Ignore me when I’m talking to him and refuse to answer so I no longer try. But SS is Quick to make a smart ass comment or Disagree if I make a general comment to DH.
Sorry for the rant but feeling Depressed, missing my old family and needed to vent..,
I'm so sorry you are feeling
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I feel like kids nowadays are a whole different breed when it comes to respect. I don't really expect anything for mother's day but it would be nice to at least be wished a happy one.
Are you sure you aren't
Are you sure you aren't idealizing your first marriage because your second one is so bad? There had to be a reason you were so unhappy. Even if it's end was entirely your fault, what's done is done. Forgive yourself, because you were young and faced with a very difficult situation. Stepparenting is tough even with a wonderful guy. Take what lessons you learned from it and move forward.
The sadness you feel now is a sign that things are not as they should be. Even if your DH is great, allowing his ex and his son's toxicity to harm you is not being so great. Please focus on that and take steps to improve your current situation, whether it's talking to your husband, counseling, or something else. You have your whole life ahead of you and you should live it without regret and without taking abuse.
Yes I AM idealizing my first marriage BUT
Not So much for the man but the situation. The ONLY reason I was unhappy in my first marriage was BM. First DH was a good man. Same with my second marriage but add a hateful Vengeful little shit of a SS. My first marriage I never Pretended to take BM’s place but First SS loved me like a mom. Would Openly choose to do things with me, asked me to help with HW and would Regularly write me thank you notes for Various reasons all on his own. I felt like I was part of a real family.
This is NOT how things are with my current marriage. I feel like a third wheel. SS is Horribly rude to me treats me like trash and openly wants nothing to do with me
It sounds like you are a
It sounds like you are a bioless SM. (I am too.) This is never a good position to be in. As a bioless SP, you will be doing about 75% of the giving and your spouse (and his kids) will be doing about 75% of the taking. And that is due just to simple logistics. There is you (1) vs. his 2 or 3 or 4+. And, sometimes the spouse or SO in this situation doesn’t do that good of a job of taking care of his SO or wife. Women tend to be natural caretakers; men don't.
So, if you take that and add to that manipulative, controlling BM and/or weak, enabling DH, and/or many of the other negative nuances that can come up in step-families, the scales are weighed far too heavy on the side of failure before you even get that much out of the gate.
I’ve been married to my DH for about 20 years. The first 15 years with the SKs I’d actually call OK, but only because I didn’t realize what a schmuck they really thought I was and didn’t realize what a blow my self-esteem was taking. My nativity got me that far, but also left me gravely questioning my self-worth. Once I had my eyes truly opened at a big ol’ ass-whupping family event five years ago or so, that was when I started coming around and realizing F- this. This is just not right! I’ve been working on disengaging ever since. It can be a long process.
But, like you, ever since that event I found myself wondering why did I go with a man with kids? What about that other guy I dated way back when? Why wasn’t he good enough? Maybe if I would have stuck with him, we’d have kids of our own by now. And so on.
I can’t speak to the true problems with your first marriage (I doubt it was just BM then and just SK now), but I don’t think it is uncommon at all for SPs to fantasize or day dream about what if? And, I would think that doubles for bioless SPs, because it is pretty much as if society expects you to settle for having no bio-children of your own and to give up your life for some dude and his largely thankless children.
I think your experiences speak more to how difficult it is for bioless step-parents to achieve some sort of equitable relationship or marriage more than anything else. There are some (not sure how many) who even go so far as to recommend that a bioless available adult never get involved with an available adult with children. I get that. And, you are truly better off by yourself (not alone, but by yourself) then you are feeling like you are some other family’s personal servant, babysitter, bank, taxi or be.atch.