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At some level, a SParent has to love their spouse more than they detest the failed family spawn.

Rags's picture

And there in lies the rub. 

However, the partners who bring kids to the mix have to be clear that the marriage and partner trumps the failed family spawn and that partnering is the critical success factor for the longevity and quality of a blended family marriage and the successful raising of children within that marriage.

So simple, yet so many never catch a clue.

Why is that?

I have found during any periods where my marriage has been strained or I am struggling to love my Skid that I have only to remind myself that I chose to spend my life with my wife and that included respecting her relationship with her kid.  Then... I have to take the actions of love and actively engage with whichever of my wife or kid is the one that things are strained with. This does not mean that I wilt, it means that I take action that draws action from them as well.  As the actions gain momentum, the closeness grows.

I was fortunate to have won the parent lottery and to be raised by parents who made it clear that their marriage was unassailable by anyone or anything (Married 58 years). Including their sons.  My bride and I have successfully lived our version of that model with the added complexity of being a blended family (Married 26 years).  My brother and his wife have successfully lived their version of the example our parents set for their boys (Married 27 years). That it works in a blended family marriage as well as it has for a long term initial marriage or two, that kids have all been raised successfully to viable adulthood with the clear understanding of where they fall in the family hierarchy under this model, demonstrates that simple works.

So, why do so many make it so complicated? 

Xs, kids, ILs, etc.... either recognize this or face a united committed front presented by the spouses and live the consequences of failing to realize reality.  First marriage, 10th marriage, yours, mine, ours... makes no matter.  

Keeping it simple works.

 

Jake's picture

Married 34 years and lived together for 2 years prior to the marriage.

Our marriage is first and formost and the Skids come a close second.

The marriage would never have worked otherwise. We are dedicted to each other first.

I have no Bio kids just 4 adult Skids.

This has worked for us. My parents and 4 out 5 siblings.

I agrree Keep it Simple.

Regards Jake

Rags's picture

Clapping

Good

I am happy for you and your bride. And for the Skids too.

Like you, I have no BKs.  My DW and I raised her son together while making each other and our marriage our priority.

Simple works.

justmakingthebest's picture

I think that so many marriages- blended or not, deal with a lot of outside stressors. Being able to stop the noise- be it social media, family members that don't understand boundaries, exes, stepkids or even bio kids- is huge. Your marriage should only have 2 people in it and those 2 people have to prioritize and value each other everyday. It isn't always obvious and it isn't grand gestures... it is the simple everyday things that get you to a lasting marriage. 

Rags's picture

Absolutely.

You hit the key points, clearly, directly, and elegantly.

Thanks for that.

thinker's picture

I don't think any marriage works if the marriage isn't the first priority.  I see this even in nuclear families with no SKIDS -  one parent loses themself in parenting (or friends, hobbies, or work) and neglects the marriage.  But where there are SKIDS, if this simple truth fails, the relationship has zero chance of being healthy and fulfilling.  People are understandably hypersensitive about where they stand in blended family marriage.  On the other hand, part of loving our spouse is allowing them to love and parent their children.  I know I wouldn't be okay in a marriage if I felt that the only way I could love my husband and show him that he is my first priority is by neglecting our daughter - my love for him would quickly turn to resentment.  There have been a few instances where this almost happened, like he didn't want me to save in our daughter's 529 plan or my retirement account because he wanted all of both of our incomes  to support other things including his adult children (and his aging parents).  We worked it out - basically I let him know that I love and support him and our marriage is first, but we have to find a way in our marriage to deal with competing and sometimes conflicting priorities and values.  This particular conflict would not exist if he entered out marriage without any "baggage" (I know "baggage" is a loaded word, but in this case, I'm referring to his personal and emotional baggage related to his failed first marriage, like guilt and shame, and his attempt to deal with it a way that was unhealthy and almost cost him his second marriage as well).  

2Tired4Drama's picture

Because they can. And usually those complications come from OUTSIDE the marriage/partnership - meaning the skids, other bio parent/family, and even society at large.  

I also think gender plays a significant part. Rags, you are in a position as a stepfather which is very different in many ways than being in a stepmother role. 

There is NO relationship on earth stronger than a woman's connection to her biological children. Even in many other species this is the case.  Most females will not welcome another female taking an important role around her children.  This can include their own mothers, mothers in law, sisters, etc.  I've even known mothers who became jealous of their children's beloved teachers!  

Make that woman a stepmother, add in a healthy mix of historical societal bigotry about SMs, stirred by jealous birthmothers, manipulative kids, territorial families and weak fathers - and SMs become a very ripe target that no one is willing to go to bat for, let alone defend.  That's where all the complications come in. 

Believe me, we'd all wish it could be simpler but it rarely is.

I do believe a couple's relationship should be paramount. When the couple has their own children together that can be more easily achieved.  When you have a jealous birth parent who plays psychological games or alienates her children, coupled with an ex who capitulates simply to have a thread of a connection to their children, that's when the scales tip to the inevitable imbalance. 

You can try for years but sometimes nothing will tip those scales. 

 

Rags's picture

I completely recognize that my blended family marriage is about as simple as they come.  It is kind of the perfect storm of ease of success as  SParent.  We married when SS was a toddler, it is DW's first marriage, I was 4 years post divorce from my disaster of an XW, DW had sole physical and legal custody, and we never lived closer than 1200 miles to the blended family opposition who had limited long distance visitation that required them to pay the travel costs of getting SS to their location for visitation. 

However, the foundational precepts of a successful marriage are pretty much universal though with unique spin.  Mutual commitment and respect between the partners above all else, standards of behavior for managing kids, full disclosure discussion of all topics between the partners, and full cooperation in raising spawn regardless of their biology.

Seriously7's picture

I think it gets so complicated now days because society is so stuck on the idea that "children come first!" I think that concept has done a lot of damage to marriages.  Of course if there is abuse involved you have to protect minor children but people don't seem to understand the difference between a truly detrimental situation for a child and raising an entitled spoiled child. I think that phrase just needs to be done away with.

SAM_VUIN's picture

I couldn't agree more - I look no further than my first marriage to prove the point.  We were a pretty happy couple and then we had children - my wife went "overboard" on focusing all energy on raising the kids.  She slept when they slept and WHERE they slept - which was in our marital bed...this went on for years and my putting my foot down on the issue only created havoc between us.  Eventually, I would relent.  By the time we divorced, we had a 13YO daughter sleeping between us each night!  I finally left the bedroom, and divorce quickly followed.   Bottom line, make sure you're with someone that places the marriage first above all else!

Rags's picture

Good for you for finally putting your foot down and putting  yourself first.  My XW and I did not spawn, but unbeknownst to me at the time, our marital bed had a number of cosleepers in it... just not when I was in it.

How are your kids with the cosleeping mommy baggage these days?  I can't immagine the childhood baggage that your kids are in all liklihood still struggling with.

CLove's picture

I see this A LOT in the Facebook Stepmother groups. SO MANY women post the following: "I know the kids will always come first with him but they are being so disrespectful!".

or my personal favorite: "my SO always does whatever BM tells him to do!"

"SO is afraid to parent, so kids are not given repercussions, and I try to parent them but he doesnt back me up".

I put it down to society programming. We are programmed to exist in and support a child-centric family. The First Family comes first. I just see this mentality and shake my head and put my 2 cents worth. I tell Munchkin as well as DH "our family is strong because the marriage is strong. The marriage is strong because we put our spouses first". So I am de-programming and then re-progamming.

Its exhausting sometimes. But when kiddo sees in front of her, how a healthy relationship looks like, how it benefits her, the reality of putting the marriage/relationship first to create a strong and healthy family unit becomes, well, real.

Its complicated however when you have outside influences telling you different things.

Rags's picture

Absolutely brilliant.

Clapping

This is exactly why I evolved the failed family perspective regarding the "first family".  First, last, or somewhere in between that family failed.  Period.  It is not worthy of celebration. Certainly there are elements of that failed family that are worthy of celebration... though only if the members of that failed family are worthy of celebration which is earned by their behavior and performance.  It is the quality parent who learns from the failures of that family and corrects those things in their future marriage and family who ultimately creates their failed family children as successful adults who are not burdened by carrying the failed family baggage and perspectives on in their own lives.

I love your focus on your marriage and that the kids have had that example.

In our case, there really was not a failed family to overcome.  I never spawned with my adulterous XW.  DW did not really ever make a family with the Spermidiot because she gained clarity early enough that she did not sacrifice her life on the alter of crappy relationship decisions beyond being a single teen mom.  She booted the SpermIdiot when she was 17 and though she did try to do the coparenting cooperate with the SpermClan thing she learned very quickly that there was nothing redeeming about that tranwreck of a shallow genetic cesspool.

All SS-28 has ever known is his mom and I in a mutually respectful marriage where the marriage is the priority. He has benefited from that since he was a toddler.  He has always been commited to nothing less in his own adult relationships.  Which is probably why he has struggled to maintain a long term adult relatsionship, though at 28 he has plenty of horizon to create his happily ever after quality life partnership.

If anything, what he experienced from SpermLand visitation, is that their model sucks and our model works very well.  He has seen it with his mom and I, with my parents, with my brother and his family, and even with my MIL's and FIL's marriage.  In the SpermClan he has seen the serial statutory rapist breeding of 4 out of wedlock spawn by three different baby mamas from the Spermidiot.  He has seen the never ending arrests, court hearings, and Law Enforcement officers showing up at any time drama that his Spermidiot and two youngest half sibs cause.  He has seen SpermGrandHag rush to the rescue with her check book and exscuses of the crappy choices of his "father" and sibs, and he has seen SpermGrandPa cheat repeatedly on SpermGrandHag and sequestering himself in his garrage playing with his toys instead of being a father, a grandfather and a husband.

Though we did keep the facts front and center, it really was not all that difficult to demonstrate the superiority of what his life has been in his REAL home and REAL famly in comparrison to the shit show he experienced while on SpermClan visitation.

Thanks for such a great example.

Bravo!

Clapping

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