Who pays for what?
Ok - so heres one... I have a daughter (13) and a SS (10). Been married for 2 years now. I fell in love with a man that had a great personality and one that I knew I could depend on. He also fell in love with an independent woman who knew how to look after herself and her child. I work, have a full time job, bring in an income, but in all honesty, I married a man that I knew would be able to help support me in raising my daughter as her father has never donated anything. Please understand that this is not the only reason I married but it was a major contributing factor.. I have always been able to support myself and my daughter perfectly.
Well, as time goes on, he seems to be concentrating more and more on his sons well being. BM gets $2,350 a month in child support and alimony combined and has never worked a day in her life. But thats not enough, he also has a separate bank account with over 15,000 in it for his sons college, allowance extras etc. There is no such account for my daughter. I have full access to all his money but I feel my daughter is missing out on a lot. I am always trying to economize, my daughter doesnt even get an allowance while ex gets to spend and spoil her son as she has no rent to pay and has all this cash every month. Every month she 'needs' something else.. I also need to mention that my daughter has never been able to 'warm' step dad.. she is civil but he expects her to show the same love that his son shows him - or at least something. She doesnt and Im sure that this is a reason that he too has backed off..
I dont like bringing it up as it is a very 'touchy' subject. My husband cannot seem to grasp the fact that my ex will never be the father that he is. He wants me to take him to court and make him donate but if there is no money there, how can he? I am now trying to hold down 2 jobs because I am too proud to touch what I now consider 'his money'... When I have brought it up in the past, he asks me if I am willing to donate my money to his sons upbringing and I cant seem to make him see that its not the same.. as I dont make near the amount he does.
I feel sad as I do believe that eventually this is going to split us up and I love him so much otherwise. But if this is the way its going to be, I can be alone just as well and not have to deal with all the 'other crap' (ex's etc ) that accomany this relationship..
I feel the need to discuss this issue with him as it is starting to eat away at me but I need to be prepared for his arguments.. any suggestions?? Thanks for listening.
I am not in your shoes..
I can sympathize with you.
That is a very touchy situation and honestly you are the one in the middle.
I understand you wanting this man you love very much to be a huge part of your daughters life and treat her as his own but you also have to think that he cannot be the only one putting in the effort.. She has also got to make that move.
I am sure she see's a huge difference in what SS gets vs her. Is he ordered to pay alimony for the rest of his life? I am not sure what state you live in but I know here where I am there is not alimony. I get CS and that is it. I feel sorry for you that you have to work 2 jobs which in the end gives you less time with your daughter. I think that you and your husband need to sit down and talk.
I do understand how you feel though. My husband pays 2/3 of all things for his daughter. And I know right before school he was like well you need not spend a lot on your kids.. My response to him was your daughter got all her new stuff. HE never said another word. His daughter has nothing but the best and yet the ex calls and whines how she is so broke. But she by no means lives within her means of living.. Its almost like she still feels like she is married and can spend spend spend.. Cracks me up.
I cannot believe this ex of his has never had to work.. Your man must make some killer money.
Well I am sure I did not help you any.. But you have my thoughts and best wishes..
Karen
I think this is about equality, and equity, for everyone involved. If you are married, I think its entirely reasonable for the two of you to combine money. You should contribute equally to your children's savings account. I don't think you and your husband should play catch up with your daugther's account, but if, for intstance, he puts $500.00 a month into his son's account, the same amount should be put into your daughter's. I am a believer of community money. Separate accounts will only lead to "your money" and "his money". You should not be working two jobs.
My husband and I make the same amount of money and we are both divorced from our children's bio-parent. My ex makes a decent amount of money and I get quite a bit of child support. I also have them 3/4 of the time. My DH and his ex make the same amount of money and split custody nearly 50/50. She receives very little in child support. I don't keep my child support separately from the money my DH and I use for bills and that is the same account we use to pay his ex's child support.
When the time is right, I think you need to sit down with your husband and talk through this. There are also some great step-parenting books that discuss money issues. Different things work for different people. This is my take.
Ahhhh Money...
Hi Karen!
I am new here, and am reading all of the posts, and feeling less and less alone in my frustration and isolation from it, and hope you are too, and if not, hoping responses will help you feel less isolated.
I am married to a man with 2 teenage girls, I have no children of my own, after several failed attempts, (another story for another day..), and while I was pregnant, the issue of money came up dozens
of times, all of which were initiated by my husband in relation to his children and the new baby to come. (going back now 5 years).
The issue is similar, in the sense that he has always had a savings account for his children for college, which I still feel is good planning and which at times in the past, (not now, as things have changed), I contributed to as well in the spirit of, "love me love my kids". Well.. here was the issue that changed everything... My family, folks, have money, my husband's family does not. His children have always been privvy to nice things from my family, in the sense that my parents provide them with more lavish things than his family or his ex-wife's family could afford. Not in the spoiled sense, but in the sense that my own parents just don't have the idea of "want", so, when they shop for things, they gravitate toward what they believe children would really dig.. iPods, computer's, horseback riding classes.. things like that, which was all well and good, until I became pregnant the last time and the discussion of college funds came up by my husband. He did not feel that because of my parents means, he should start an account for this baby, as it is a different circumstance than his two with his ex wife! I did not accept this, even though I know it would probably be true that a child of my own would be subject to things that his children did not have, or when college time came, my own child would probably not want, as the rest of the grandchildren have not wanted, but, in principle, I argued with him, saying how could he feel he should not contribute to this baby, and he should give all to his children from a previous marriage simply because he believes that it is "owed" to a child of mine? His children, until more recently, have enjoyed the perks of having wealthy step-grandparents, yet, when a major life event came to pass, his oldests graduation, his ex wife did not even think to invite my parents or ME to the ceremony or the party after. It was just for my husband, which I felt he should have stood up for us about.. no just the things, but the love, attention, affection, time, energy.. all of it, that we have all invested believing we were a blended family! Turns out, I feel now, we are only as good as what we give them. (many many examples of why I see it that way), and I feel for my parents, who are now aging, and these kids do not even bother to pick up the phone to say Hello to them, yet, would take an envelope for a gift! (has happened many many times).
Deep resentment can and does, as in my case happen already in blended families, but more can develop over money. I work, like everyone else, and anything that my parents gave them, they did on their own, and I , like yourself would rather work double than to ask them for help... yet, they believe , sincerely, even my husband, that because they are wealthy, somehow that entitles THEM to that stake. I feel more and more like they saw paydirt when they saw me coming, and feel very much trampled on, even after 5 years, I cannot forgive that my husband really would not put up for our own child and would for his children from a previous marriage. I do get that .. sort of.. from your post. That he would do all for HIS son and not for YOUR daughter. I always seem to step back and look at the bullsh*t as posturing for power, which when you step back, what power really is there to deny anyone anything you can possibly help them with! As for marrying him for a stable life... that's cool, we all marry for a payoff of some kind or other right? To love and to be loved back is a payoff.. to want stability for your blended family is the ultimate in wanting to produce well adjusted good adults right? When things are one sided, and they are.. resentment builds and deterioration sets in. I feel for you, and hope he steps up for your little girl. If he can't.. (I did with NO kids, and stopped when I realized I was probably being used.. and nobody has said different in 6 months, so I have to believe it was that I was being used)Well.. you know you are an independent woman...
I wish you all of the best and HOPE he sees how unfair this is
My Best
DawnMarie
Feeling Sad...
Thanks DM... I just dont know anymore.. this is all so damn complicated. Was it easier when I was single? Maybe.. I adore my husband and he me but there is always this underlying feeling in me that if my daughter were 'our' daughter, he would care more about her needs etc. He is nice to her, always asks how she is (he works away from home for weeks), how is she doing at school, all the 'right questions' but I feel that he just doesnt love her, he says he does but I know what really loving a child means... He comes home and brings her little things, magazines candy etc but as my daughter quite rightly says "he never brings me anything I really want, I dont think he even knows what I like".. (from the mouths of babes hey?). He doesnt seem to understand that she is becoming a young lady.. she is into Ipods, riding ;0)etc... (show jumping). He even forgot the date that she started school, in order to wish her good luck.. I have to admit that in the beginning, he did more but as time goes by, its less and less... She has been no angel either... she would not accept him in our life for ages, and would not warm to his attempts to be close to her, but now that she is older, she is starting to accept him in our/her lives but Im afraid its too late.. We recently nearly split up for good due to the stresses of 'life' but we managed to somehow pull it all back togehter (I think) but in one of the discussions during this time, he actually said the words "She isnt my responsibility" It was like a knife in my heart but as this was over the phone, he couldnt see my tears... Well, as I had said in my original post, I needed to discuss it - that was his reply.. Sooooo, here I am wondering if this is what I really want. I know that my daughter will be off to college in 5 years and if we split, I will be alone. I want to grow old with this man as we really are good together but I feel like he is excluding my daughter from his/our lives.. and cant wait to be rid of her. I cant put into words how I am feeling... I guess I want the impossible, I want him to love my daughter as much as he loves his kid... Should I stay or should I go? ;0)
Your husband may be having a
Your husband may be having a difficult time connecting with your daughter. Put yourself in his shoes. He is a man with no idea what girls like /want / need. Connecting may be more difficult, especially since she is now becoming a young lady. Maybe he needs some direction. Do they spend time alone together ever? Encourage him to take her somewhere special and spend some one on one time getting to know and understand eachother better from time to time.
I have been a stepmother of 5 1/2 years. My stepson is almost 6 now. I also have a 1 year old bio son. And I can tell you that personally, my feeling for each of them are very different. And that is okay. He may never "love" you daughter the way you do. But that is something that you need to accept. I would say to always encourage a good caring relationship between the two.
As far a money goes that is a very touchy subject in stepfamily situations. Each family needs to figure out what works best for them. I can understand both positions. I can definatly understand feeling like your daughter is being cheated, especially since he makes good money and your stepson seems very spoiled. I can understand why he may be reluctant to feel that he should be obligated to split money 50/50 between son and stepdaughter. Finding a middle ground that everyone can be happy with is important. But I am appauled that you are having to work two jobs, while he seems pretty well off financially.
Just my opinion
I have asked him time and
I have asked him time and again to go and do something that involves only my daughter and himself but he wont... he says that the precious time that he has when he comes home he wants to spend with me as he knows that my daughter doesnt like him and wouldnt enjoy it, I have tried to get throughh to him, I really have. I think it may be too late now for them to develop the kind of relationship I wish they had, too much has been said... my daughter is at an age now though that she can understand that she needs to show him some respect and that the fact that she has not tried to have a relationship with him may be the end of us.. She doesnt want us to split up and is trying now. I guess I just want them to care for eachother, just a little bit would be good...
As far as the money goes... I need to work, its good for me and I am freelance so its not like I have a 9-5 or anything.. having my own money helps me... I would go mad if I didnt work. And the money he is making is going towards somehting we both want.... so its not all bad all the time. Hopefully my next post will be a happy one!
I can hear the sadness in
I can hear the sadness in your posts. I know the love I feel for my son and if something were to happen to my husband or our marriage failed it would be very important to me that my new partner have a good relationship with my son. Never give up. Keep encouraging your husband to take a more active role but also don't put expectations so high that he feels pressured and forced into anything. Make him understand that this is important to you. A half hour to stop and get some ice cream wouldn't hurt anything. Good luck!!!
Ok, I'll say it the way it
Ok, I'll say it the way it is. Second marriages aren't taken as seriously by men if you don't have children together. Sad but true, because they know they can up and leave anytime without having to pay support. Why many women do have children in second marriages also. This is very common, and know he's already set the boundrys.
Absolutely he should also pay equally for your child and support her in all ways, how will she feel as she gets older and see's that he's not treating her equally. It will get worse but doesn't sound like he will change. If you have children together, which imo I'd be working on right now - he will have to pay. If you stay together, I'd make sure the income goes evenly for bills and ALL children. If he refuses sounds like he makes a good income and the support he will have to pay will cover both your children. Plus you only have one child, perfect to have a sibling and you'll never regret it. JMO
Believe me a lot of women have been in your shoes and after being married they realize the man pulled a fast one. Quit complaining to him, be sweet as pie and work on getting pregnant. In the meantime, tell him you need extra money for this and that and START that account for your daughter!!
“Second marriages aren't
“Second marriages aren't taken as seriously by men if you don't have children together.” WOW!!!!!! That is a VERY powerful statement to make! What qualifies you to make such a statement? We don’t have children as of yet but he takes our marriage VERY seriously…our marriage is about US and our commitment to each other and that is outside of any children the girls we have now (my sd’s) or the child that we plan to have in the near future….to say that he knows he can “up and leave at any time without having to pay support” makes marriage sound like a financial arrangement…some marriages are but I would NEVER want that…the fact that he can “up and leave at any time without having to pay support” but doesn’t shows that he takes the marriage VERY SERIOUSLY and that he is there b/c he WANTS to be not b/c it is the best choice financially….WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
Make a GREAT Day!
Nise,
Nise,
I absolutly agree with you!!! This person is bouncing around the forum with the a "golden know-it-all attitude."
Please Skye22
Don't say Golden, Skye22!!!
Okay- plain &
Okay- plain & simple
know-it-all attitude!!!! NO GOLDEN
Skye22….I thought the same
Skye22….I thought the same thing! I didn't want to/don't want to alienate Terri or make her feel bad but i honestly started to get upset/offended by some of her comments...and I am VERY HARD to offend...maybe it is the fact that there was no "intro"...
Terri, what is your story, let us in to your world...we all have some vulnerabilities...that is why we are here!!! None of us have The Answer or The Ideal Family….We don’t always agree…in fact we disagree quite often (sometimes that’s what makes it fun!) but we do it in a non-judgmental way… Welcome to the Forum!
Make a GREAT Day!
Not Meaning To Offend...
Skye, My intention were never to offend, believe me. LOL, I actually ran across this forum by accident, but reading the posts brought me back over 13 years earlier when my husband and I had some of the similar problems that these posters have had.
I told my husband about this site also, and all I can say is we both agree people often empower others, whether it be inlaws, family, steps, co-workers, ect. when sadly it is often so easy to just not cave in and say NO!
My story is, we had a year of problems from an ex and we both thankfully decided to cut her out of the picture, and put each other first. Sorry if that pisses some off. No you don't have to have an ex in your life,and where I disagree. IMO when you have one partner that is not willing to adhere to the wishes of the other, then its time to re-evaluate the relationship, imo.
I can honestly say we were a team, and it became much better, and much better for our kids. Every situation is differnt, and for us it worked. Today we travel in our motorhome, go on many cruises with our kids, and life is good. As my husband just said, you need to get rid of toxic relationships. Life is too short, imo.
Although I have never met
Although I have never met any of these ladies personally, I know their hearts and I think that is why I became defensive. No hard feelings here. Just maybe try and be less judgmental like Nise suggested. I hope to get to know you better
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His child my child?
You're right in all that you say, I am ashamed to admit, I feel very little for his kid. He has been the cause of many battles between my husband and I (as has my daughter) but... here is the question: When my husband married me, he married me knowing full well that I had a daughter etc.. when I married him, I knew that his wife had their child and she looked after him. I would NEVER expect my ex's wife to take the part of mother to my daughter, I would find that kind of creepy, I would expect her to be a friend and confidant to my daughter as I do not believe a child can have 2 mothers (or 2 fathers for that matter). However, when you decide to marry someone you are fully aware that that person (man or woman) has full custody and responsibility for their child, and that the child’s bio dad has no contact with that child do you not take it on as your own, regardless if that child has understandably had some adjustment issues? Am I being so terribly selfish expecting him to love my daughter when I have very limited feeligns for his child? I just dont see it as being the same thing. Now, if somehting happened to his ex and son came to live with us it would be VERY different, I would make sure I found ways to love this child! But, the way things are now, this child is being raised very very differently to the way I am raising my daughter and I have very little connection with him because of it. I know there are no clear answers but sometimes just talking about it helps... thanks :0)
There is a big difference,
There is a big difference, his son isn't living in the home. He IS also the caretaker of your daughter and responsibile, whereas his son just visits. It is different.
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HHMMMMM.......lots to think
HHMMMMM.......lots to think about from what all of you ladies have said.
I read your"feeling sad" post.... just before I left work today..it really saddened me.. on several levels. First, I have a 13 yr old daughter, who I'm very close too and who loves her SDad. And who would want continue her relationship with him...whether we're together or not...and who would be devasted if he turned his back on her...so I feel your pain as a mom who's close to her child
And second, because I feel guilty...I can take your words & situation and flip it back on me.... Maybe this is why hubby is so defensive with his daughter...HE probably feels the same pain you do.."feels like I am excluding his daughter from his/our lives.. and cant wait to be rid of her." If I can "feel" your pain why can't I feel his....??
The other thing you said.. "I guess I want the impossible, I want him to love my daughter as much as he loves his kid.." You made me think..
I don't love his kid(s)...........but I know he loves mine.
I bet he can make that same statement about me & HIS DAUGHTER(s)...
..they do not love me...they did not make things easy for me..and they were/are adults (5+ yrs into it..it is more of a they tolerate me relationship and I have grown weary of trying)
I do feel guiltly that I have allowed it to come between us...I've tried so hard to "let things roll of my back" I'm pretending everything is OK
...so now we have two parents feeling resentful..and protective..each wanting from the other.. what they are not prepared to give ......because of the hurt/resentment/........
Karen ..I don't know if my post has been any help to you at all...but I have to tell you yours has been a HUGE help to me...
Thanks
PS
That "I can't wait to get rid of her part....
(That was true to a certain extent...only ..in my eyes...because he wouldn't parent her..it has more to do with HIM & HIS reactions, etc..then her as a person.. he thinks its a personal attack on her...I think that's the part we're stuck on)
My "homework" from our first counselling session..is to think of things hubby & I have in common..values,,etc.. think of things that draw us together..(I guess ...instead of focusing on the things that pull us apart..which is what happens when you fight)
I think that's good advice for any couple ... what if we listed at least 1 positive thing about our hubby's or sk's each day..instead of how they screwed up or hurt us.....
I don't thinks its fair...to expect him to love "yours" and you not "love" his....
Double standards, without a doubt, will kill a relationship..it causes tooooooo much resentment....
Glad to have helped ;0)
Well, that makes me feel better lol... Ahhhhh one days up the other down.. I want him to love my daughter because he lives with her, I cannot be expected to love his when I rarely see him! Just because he is his kid, I cant switch on love, but then I hear you say neither can he and you are right, so I'll shut up now!
Good night all!!
Don't shut up..Karen B
I see similarities with your situation & mine. Reading your words helps sort it all out...and hopefully I can help you..by us sharing our thoughts.(My perspective changes day to day..we all go up & down)
I know how you feel...My 2 kids, he & I all live in a "family unit" under one roof..with the dynamics closely resembling a "real" family. We both "parent" my kids..as in a "real family"..we do things together..often mundane day to day things...because we are under the same roof. We tend to feel & act like a real family. My kids get him Father's day cards (they know he's not Dad but he fills that role on a daily basis..and they appreciate him..and let him know that)
And all those things that are there between he & mine that bring us together are NOT there between me & his...we do not "parent" his kids..he chooses not to and I am not allowed to even comment on things that I think should be addressed in some way..they call his cell phone..not our house phone..so even incidental daily contact is avoided.. When together..it's Daaaad...guess what!! Not hey everyone ..guess what!! I have never be told or have ever been made to feel appreciated by his children..just the opposite.
So I understand totally...why the expectations would be different with his/mine or yours/his children......
The dynamics are different...the opportunity to build a relationship & bond doesn't present itself as easily...
Maybe it's just going to take more time, patience and work on our part as non-custodial SM's.. It's even more complicated in my case where the SK's are adults......and Dad thinks youngest is perfect!
Dynamics
You said it lovin-life, its the dynamics of all these step relations that make each and every one so different yet we all seem to be in the same boat somehow... We are all searching for the impossible; to have a 'normal' family whatever that is. I want my husband to accept my child as his own when my child doesnt accept him. He wants me to accept his child as my own and I just cant. I feel I cannot influence his childs life because anything I try to do will just be undone out of spite as soon as he returns home. So, ultimately I feel I am confusing the kid. I dont want to create turmoil in his life so I try to hold my tounge and cant wait for him to go back to his mother and 'their life' because this isnt reality for him, she is. I can teach him to eat properly but I know that next time he comes, I will have to start from scratch so why bother? Why not cook a nice meal for all the family and get him a happy meal? It would make him happy and the mealtime which I see as a time we can all talk etc, and somehow bond. But... I cant do that, it goes against my grain, I will make him eat what we eat which turns mealtimes into a very tense time for all.. I get pissed, my husband gets stressed out and my daughter just eats in silence...
I carry so much guilt for not allowing myself to let his son in but I just dont seem to be able to, I have tried but I feel myself pushing him away and I know its wrong. I had him for 4 months as his mother took an overdose due to the fact that I 'cut her lifeline to her ex' and these were good times, they really were, we got very close and I hated to see him go but as soon as he got back home and under his mothers influence again, it was like I didnt know him anymore and I kind of closed all doors leading to any type of affection that I had. I feel like I am trying to keep mine and his world seperate... Out of site out of mind. We only see him for one month in the summers now as we had to move countries due to the stress of it all so I really dont have to deal with the kind of things you other ladies have to deal with day in and day out so I feel that I shouldnt really complain. My daughter is growing up and has promised to be nice, I think he is growing on her and she him. They have both promised to try to meet halfway, so thats a start, maybe when they can get a relationship going, thigs will change. I dont really blame him for not being able to get close to her, how can he is she wont let him in? You can only knock on a door so many times before you walk away.... Whew, I needed that ;0)
KarenB..
In response to you.. And all the others..
My kids go to there dad's and his GF and I never thought of what you said in there, I wonder what it is like for them to see my kids and what I teach them at my house and they go there what that is like for them. I know that when my kids come back from there I want to some times take my ex and beat him because they do whatever there.. Things are a different now that his GF lives there.. Thanks that got me thinking. WOW..
I know my SD and I were close and things were good thru the ages of 12,13 and then 14 and now 15 have hit. And its like shes an alien. She is torn because of her bio mom which is fine.. I understand that. I think its the bio mom that I should dislike.. She is the reason. It would be nice if she would talk to the daughter and say you know its ok with me to like your SM, you need to respect her in her home ect.. But you know what she will not even except the fact that I am no longer the GF or Fathers Friend as she put it. In my eyes I cannot help it that she left her marriage and regrets it..
Its hard for me because I am not mean to her and I try my hardest.. There are times I cannot look at her but lately I just try to bite my tongue and keep my opinions to myself on what her parents let her do and that seems to help. Not a lot but it helps.. I know this past weekend her and a friend stayed with us and I went and picked her up for my husband and on the way back to our house she was telling me that she was back with her BF (I mean they switch BF alot) anyways I guess when they broke up he was upset got in a car and ended in an accident (head on collision). I asked her why she did not come in and talk to me she said well I thought you were sleeping, she said if I would have came in there would you have taken me to the hospital? I said proabably because I lost my best friend and am very sensitive when it comes to that stuff. I think she was shocked. I know a lot of it is not her fault its the mom's and its hard for us SM to try to gain there trust and friendship, especially when the bio mom is against you at all times.
I think what it really comes down too is the bio moms are afraid that you will befriend there child and that child will love you more then them its almost like they think that there child in which they gave birth too is going to forget them totally.. being in this situation has really helped me with the fact of my ex having a GF I am confident in my relationship with my kids.. They love me I am there mom but yet they have room to love another woman. She is there taking care of my kids and I am ok with that.. In fact I encourage there relationship. So I think its just INSECURITY on the Bio mom's part which turns our relationships with our SK upside down. Because they are the ones in the middle.. You know.. OK now I will shut up..
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Insecurities ...that'll do
Insecurities ...that'll do it. Hubby's x regrets her life choices as well.. She lost Hubby's affection to me (in her eyes) and doesn't want to loose her kids affection to me as well! I can see that....
I don't consider my X's GF a threat, or competition for my childrens love..in any way. I'm their mom...they love me..I love them...and there's lots of room for others in their life. (Although both of them are in a mood since school started and I'm ready to kill them!!)
I believe Insecurities are hubby's issue with SD as well...she turned on him when he first left her mother..everyone was shocked at her reaction. Now that she has "taken him back"...he will not so much as "fart" if he thinks it will cause her to abandon him again!!!
So far this week....I've learned that "double standards" & "insecurities" can become relationship busters... These are all things I want to bring up in my counselling sessions. You've all made me think about a lot this week...
I take the husbands side
I can empathize with both sides. We live with my children in my home so I do expect that my husband take SOME responsibilty .I know he will never love my children as his own. I am just happy that they have a role model in their lives as their own father is non exsistent. Secondly I can side with Karen's husband as well. My children get far more than my husband's. They have college funds , have more things and get to accompany us on great vacations. I don't feel I owe my husband's children that same life style. I worked hard as a single parent and my kids benefited.
My new husband works hard too but the ex gets $2,000 a month in child support. Should I have to work myself to death to equal things up between the kids? She remarried and has never worked a day in her life.
It is her job to ensure she takes that child support money and provides for the children. She is always complaining to my husband and his kids how unfair it is that my kids have more. My mother in-law also makes comments about us not "giving " his kids the same perks mine have.
I feel if it were not for me and my job my husband would not enjoy his current lifestyle and his kids would not have half the things we currently provide for them. All parties should be happy things have turned out as good as they have . My husband was in a poor financial sitatuion before we married .I have done enough for all of them . If I loved them more would I give them more? I am not their Mom so the answer is no.
What is the real issue? , the lack of love your husband has for your daughter or you thinking if he loved her more she could get more financially? You mention Ipods, and other expensive items. Does love have a price tag ? You must have traded up somewhat to a better lifestyle. You yourself state the main factor in marrying him was his financial support. Seems to me he figured is out too ....
The reality is when your all
The reality is when your all in the same home the kids get the benefit of those incomes. You pay the bills and that includes the kids. His kids are basically being raised in another home, just the reality of blended families. My ex sisterinlaw married a jerk that had a great job, made a lot of money however when her kids became college age he refused to help pay. My sisterinlaw was livid because she felt that when he married her he also accepted ALL responsibility for the kids. So what she did was use all her income to pay for the kids college, and he had to pay all the other bills with his, lol!
So he basically ended up paying for their college. She felt the bills should come from both their incomes, and that mean't the ones for the children also, which I strongly agree with.
SMO3
Where exactly did I state that the main factor in marrying was for financial support???? Please copy and paste! Get your facts straight and get off your high horse smo3.. FYI, the IPODs and riding etc is all paid for by my daughters Grandmother. I too have been a single mother and know what it means to raise a child alone, believe you me! I have always been able to provide for my daughter myself. No, of course love does not have a price tag, I want things to be fair - is that so wrong???
Let It Go
You sound like you have a good attitude to me, so don't sweat it. Doesn't sound like his kid is there so much, so it will get better. When he is there, just let it go. Sometimes its better to win the battle then the war. You should do the best for your daughter, and yes most girls that age have IPOD'S including mine, lol.
Even with the account situation, its not worth the argument with your hubby. You may be better off doing what my friend did, just open an account for your daughter and fund it with you joint incomes. Hubby doesn't have to know that part, less a few arguments, and in the long run he's also put your daughter through school, and so on. Also, your daughter is at an age where she will decide who she is close to or not, let that be too; and down the road things could change if not forced. Your husband doesn't understand there is no other father for her basically, so if you lose your job, become ill he will still be responsbile to support her. You may want to make him aware of that fact, but if he won't compromise then again he doesn't need to know where the income is comming from that funds her college account, ect. If he's keeping his income from you then that is another matter entirely. JMO
I am not on my high horse,,
I am not on my high horse,, just an experencied hard working woman who knows too many woman looking for a man that can take care of her and her kids. Alot of what I read here is about man bashing and unrealstic expections. Not meaning to offend but just telling you whow it reads to some people.
By the way here is your quote
, I married a man that I knew would be able to help support me in raising my daughter as her father has never donated anything. Please understand that this is not the only reason I married but it was a major contributing factor..
Amen...
smof3
I'm pretty independent and have always worked. I think it is ok to expect your husband to take care of you and the kids. Obligation and expectation of marriage, and goes both ways. What if they had a few children together? He would have to treat them all equally especially all living in the home, wouldn't he?
This man sounds selfish to me if he can afford to pay his Xwife what he is, yet Karen has to work 2 jobs. Would he be so smug if he also had to pay Karen child support, or the prospect of it....or would he try harder to make things work. I think that is obvious.
Ladies, I think it's time
Ladies, I think it's time for a male's perspective. I'm sorry but my head is spinning reading all of this advice as noble as it all is. My situation is simular to all of yours. I have a son 10 and she has a daughter 13 and we have lots of problems that most of the time seem like it's because of them. IMO the biggest problem is us. If you are in a committed relationship you should be together as a team, 50/50 all the way, kids included. I feel the problem is communication. Each side gets too defensive about the other side's kid. Well, that's the problem, there shouldn't be two sides and if there are, then that's what needs to be fixed. Some say there are only 3 things to do with a problem, 1)fix it (always try to fix it first) and if you can't there are only two things left 2)adapt to it (for some this is very difficult, myself included) and last but not least, if you cannot fix or adapt the only thing left is to 3) elimnate it. I have tried #1 and am working on #2 but as mentioned am finding it very difficult because I love the woman and her daughter, but cannot convince her that her daughter hitting my son should not be allowed ever. I can tolerate a lot of things but not that one. I was looking at this forum for advice for myself (and there seems to be a lot of good advice). But, what I have discovered is what I always new. You know in your heart what needs to be done, so just do it! just my opinions ladies. I wish the best for all of you.