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Little resentments

EvieLou's picture

Hi, just asking opinions, this is now the third weekend that my OH has agreed (without checking in with me) to go round to SD and partners to 'help out with something'.  I have never asked my partner to 'ask' for permission to go see them and I wouldn't, I'm not that overbearing.  He seems to see it that way however.  I had said earlier in the week that we needed to get some stuff done around the house and garden and that weather permitting we could get some of it done this weekend.  He sends me a message today saying SD asked if he would go round tomorrow and help her OH with some furniture so he told her he wasn't busy and will go round whenever she tells him etc, he doesn't understand this is what I have an issue with, he will basically be kept 'dangling' all day and go round there as soon as he is 'summonsed' .  So that's our day basically gone.  He doesn't do this for anyone else, if his mother calls and needs something, he does it when it's convenient to him and not the other way round - but he's at her beck and call all the way.   On its own it's a very small issue and if it was a 'one off' you could maybe write it off and think it's not worth creating a fuss etc. But it happens regularly and all these little inconsiderations get logged - and they turn into a bigger resentment over time.  
SD's other half wouldn't even lend my OH some ladders without asking his precious (like it mattered to her anyway) so I'm damn sure he wouldn't just come round and help us out without asking her express permission first (god forbid!).   
like I say, on its own it's such a petty problem and trust me, I get that after reading what some are contending with.  However I've explained all this before and he's nodded and clearly just paid me lip service and just isn't 'getting it?
I don't want to cause an argument but the more I just 'like it or lump it' the bigger a rod I feel I'm making for my own back.  

To all those thinking it gets better when the Skids are 'grown ups' - it doesn't.  The grandkids come along and it's never ending manipulation.  Unless that is the Skids have grown to be normal, honest, well rounded individuals - what a joy that must be! 

Thanks for reading x

 

caninelover's picture

DH needs some time management skills.  In other words instead of saying to SD 'I'm not doing anything all day' he should say 'We are working on our house/garden projects all day, but I can set aside a couple of hours to help you.  Can we agree on a time now so we can plan the rest of our day's work?'

He needs to communicate better and manage SD's expectations for his time better.

I went through this with SO pushing our plans to spend time at home together because Bratty (SD23) was supposed to call, then was late calling, then the call dragged on forever, etc.

We now have the agreement that SO will have his phone calls with Bratty prior to dinner time and the evenings are our couple time together.  And if Bratty is late calling etc we do not change any plans we have as a result.

Rags's picture

Nope, tell DH he is not available because you and he had already discussed the projects you are doing around your own home over the weekend.  Inform him, do not discuss it, Just tell him he will not be going to SD's as he has responsibilities around his and your home and he clearly knew it.

Whether he remembered or not is irrelevant.

NO!

The problem with you both not requiring that any commitments be discussed with the other is this very example.

Mates make a life together and are each other's priority.  This is why they keep each other informed and discuss it before making commitments with other people. It isn't about control, it is about respecting each other.

EvieLou's picture

Thankyou, not sure how I managed to post this topic twice - sorry!  Everything everyone has said makes sense to me.  We have just had a blow up, I told him he might want to look up 'gaslighting' as I feel he does this to me.  He must have looked it up then came upstairs with some smart ass comment and said "I suppose that's mental abuse too'!  Personally if someone suggested I did that to them- I would be pretty horrified but it doesn't even seem to have fazed him at all.  I suppose that's telling in itself.  Why on earth am I scared of ending this - can being alone really be that bad?.  My late mum would be telling me to run, that this is never going to change.  Why is my self worth that low that I can't seem to 'grow a pair' and move on.  

 

 

Hesitant to try's picture

Sorry you're going through this EvieLou. I just wanted to comment on the being alone comment - I love being alone. True, I have a partner now, but we live separately and I love my days/nights of solo-time. I honestly think I could do it full-time. I'd miss a partner at times and my partner is a good one so our time together is also good. But if my couple time was bad/unhealthy/frustrating/unsatifsying -- I would MUCH rather be on my own. Give that some thought. If you have kids, friends, family, hobbies - you can lead a very full life without a mate. I think we women for some reason have been taught that we need a man (or partner) to be happy, but we don't. They're often more misery than they're worth! And interesting about your Mum - why would she tell you to run? Maybe journal a bit on that... she was probably a smart woman who loved you very much.

Hope things improve or you find a way to something that makes you happier.