Little resentments
Hi, just asking opinions, this is now the third weekend that my OH has agreed (without checking in with me) to go round to SD and partners to 'help out with something'. I have never asked my partner to 'ask' for permission to go see them and I wouldn't, I'm not that overbearing. He seems to see it that way however. I had said earlier in the week that we needed to get some stuff done around the house and garden and that weather permitting we could get some of it done this weekend. He sends me a message today saying SD asked if he would go round tomorrow and help her OH with some furniture so he told her he wasn't busy and will go round whenever she tells him etc, he doesn't understand this is what I have an issue with, he will basically be kept 'dangling' all day and go round there as soon as he is 'summonsed' . So that's our day basically gone. He doesn't do this for anyone else, if his mother calls and needs something, he does it when it's convenient to him and not the other way round - but he's at her beck and call all the way. On its own it's a very small issue and if it was a 'one off' you could maybe write it off and think it's not worth creating a fuss etc. But it happens regularly and all these little inconsiderations get logged - and they turn into a bigger resentment over time.
SD's other half wouldn't even lend my OH some ladders without asking his precious (like it mattered to her anyway) so I'm damn sure he wouldn't just come round and help us out without asking her express permission first (god forbid!).
like I say, on its own it's such a petty problem and trust me, I get that after reading what some are contending with. However I've explained all this before and he's nodded and clearly just paid me lip service and just isn't 'getting it?
I don't want to cause an argument but the more I just 'like it or lump it' the bigger a rod I feel I'm making for my own back.
To all those thinking it gets better when the Skids are 'grown ups' - it doesn't. The grandkids come along and it's never ending manipulation. Unless that is the Skids have grown to be normal, honest, well rounded individuals - what a joy that must be!
Thanks for reading x
Yeah, this is not good. How
Yeah, this is not good. How can you count on him? Remind him that you talked about getting chores around the house done together. And you don't intend to tackle them on your own.
And I agree that if HIS weekend is now all about waiting to be summoned, you go make your own weekend. "Since you don't know what time you'll be available to take care of our projects, I'm going to go do something for myself and we can tackle the garden next weekend." HE put the weekend on hold, not you.
And it isn't a small thing, so don't feel guilty. My DH has made assumptions in the past that I'd be willing to change our plans so that HE could do something else. He has learned that setting me aside isn't much fun and I am indeed the star of my household, as is DH to me.
Consider hiring someone to do
Consider hiring someone to do those chores he is putting off to be SD's puppet also. Finding fun things to do while he sits there spinning his wheels waiting should give him plenty of time to think about his choice of priorities and hiring someone so he still can spend time with you. He needs to feel major discomfort from choosing poorly. You shouldn't lose out
Time to load the calendar,
Time to load the calendar, write it all in, post it on the wall, and inform DH... that he is commited for all of his free time until furthery notice. When SD calls, give him a script "Sorry, EvieLou and I have plans for that day. I will check our calendar and get back to you with when I am next available."
Thanks, the calendar idea is
Thanks, the calendar idea is a good one.
I took peoples advice and busied myself with things I could get done without him (which was more than I thought to be honest). He was gone for several hours, as he left I saw him go into the garrage and get my toolbox which he took with him. I say my toolbox, as although we both buy household stuff, I bought this toolbox when I first got the house, it was expensive and has all sorts of quality things in it that's been extremely useful. Anyways when I finished up, I was hungry and as he hadn't bothered indicating what time he would be back, I wasn't going to wait for him so I ordered a pizza and had a nice glass of wine. I was feeling ok, then he returned - sans toolbox! He obviously hadn't realised I'd seen him leave with it because when I asked where it was he got a bit flustered and said oh I've left it as they're still using it (now, I know from past experience, this means I will never see it again). I could feel myself starting to boil again but managed to keep my cool and told him he better get it back or I expect he will replace it with another one of equal value and quality. He sheepishly replied he would get it back. I also pointed out that I would never take any of his stuff without asking and I thought it was taking the piss. Anything like that is 'ours' but certainly not to just give away, I paid hard earned cash for it. I felt so pissed off but after a crappy, emotionally charged weekend, I just didn't have it in me to carry it on anymore. It's all so tiring.
I woud send him to get it
I woud send him to get it immediatley and make it clear that every single item in it comes back with it.
Buh-bye DH, don't come home until you collect my tool box. When he does return, inform him that his daughter will no longer have the benefit of use of any item in the marital home and that DH's avaiability to help them will be at your discretion.
IMHO at some point, when a mate oversteps, they must be reined in. Particularly when they are voluntarily being the beck and call boy for their prior relationship failed family adult spawn.
My condolences on things reaching this point.
Take care of you.