SD28 and her husband just left after a brief visit here.  I am disengaged from SD for the most part but will attend an occasional dinner with her in order to placate my SO.  

As background ...One of the many reasons I've disengaged is because SD is horribly inattentive and dismissive to her father (my SO) and his entire extended family including her paternal grandparents.  (As an example, when her paternal grandfather was dying she didn't even bother to try and call him to talk to him on the phone before he passed.  She never called her grandmother afterward to see how she was doing.  Didn't attend funeral because she supposedly couldn't get off work.)

For more than a decade I've witnessed the pain this has caused them all.  However, SD is close to BM and her side of the family because she was PASd throughout her life to believe her mother's family was the ONLY family that mattered and her father's side was to be ignored.  SD was a faithful practitioner of BM's alientation and continues it to this day.  (By comparison, when her maternal grandfather was dying, she took more than a week off work and immediately flew to his country on an expensive last-minute ticket to spend time with him.)

SD is actively involved with BM and ignores her father and his family completely.  If my SO doesn't actively reach out to her then SD has proven she has no problem going many months thout any contact with him - not a text, not a phone call - nothing.  Of course he finds this heartbreaking.  He is not getting any younger and has had some serious life-threatening health issues but SD feels no compunction whatsoever to take any responsibility (as an adult) for maintaining a relationship with her dad.   If he doesn't contact her it's complete radio silence on her end.  This is also terribly hurtful to her paternal grandmother, aunts, uncles and cousins who have all reached out to her and get ignored.  

I was hoping that as SD matured this might change but it hasn't.  I even thought that her getting married might help but it hasn't.  To his credit, her husband is very close to his own family members despite the fact that they are quite a dysfunctional bunch - parent with multiple felony convictions, a domestic abuser, and drug/alcohol addicts.  His family devotion includes extended family such as uncles, aunts, and cousins.  It seems they are all in frequent contact and have family get-togethers, which of course SD is now actively part of.   BM is also a part of their inner circle and she is frequently over at their home and involved in their lives.  

During their recent visit and the first dinner I went to, SD's husband (SIL) went on and on about how important "family" was to him. I found this to be somewhat hypocritical considering he was sitting in front of his FATHER-IN-LAW whom he does not know and has made no effort to get to know.  (He also does not contact my SO in any way.)  I found it interesting to observe that both SD and my SO sat silently when SIL went on and on about the importance of family.  I didn't say anything either.  Since I've disengaged, I didn't bother to bring this up later with my SO as I avoid any kind of conversation about SD if at all possible. 

On the last night they were here, I agreed to go to one more dinner with them.  Once again, during this dinner the SIL went on about how important family was.   Again, both SD and SO sat silently during SIL's soliloquy.  I decided to say something at this point and very calmly agreed family was indeed important and one of the valuable lessons I've learned is that as we "mature" we have a responsibility to maintain relationships with our families.  I briefly spoke of how my parents certainly weren't perfect but as I got older I never let a week go by without calling both of them just to see how they were doing.  And that was when long-distance calls cost real money!   I said that at a certain point, the tables begin to turn and adult children should take responsibility for making sure their parents are doing OK as they age.   That seemed to let the air out of SIL's huffing and puffing, and he agreed and said he is in contact with his dad every day.  Then he kind of did a side glance to SD like, "I tried..."

So here's the question -- I am off in thinking that SIL's comments (at two dinners) were no coincidence and might have been an intended dig at my SO - prompted by princess SD herself?   

I kind of felt so which is why I decided to interject and say what I did.  I am thinking that at some point, Mr. "Family Is So Important" SIL must have had conversations with SD about her relationship (or lack thereof) with her dad.  It doesn't take much imagination that Ms. Self-Absorbed SD probably whined and cried about how her father wasn't chasing her like he should be.   In her world, it's all about her all the time and anyone who wants to have a relationship with her is responsible for pulling all the weight.  She is to be worshipped.  

I have not discussed this in any way with my SO since I've stopped bringing up any discussion of SD unless absolutely necessary.  

This just goes to show that even if you disengage as best you can, step hell can still rear it's ugly head.