Food disappears
Hi everyone. I found this site today while having a meltdown about missing food in my home. It's not the only issue with my DH and SS15, but it's the one on my mind today. I've tried the don't buy groceries on his visit weekends, attempted hiding certain items, this time cooked chili dogs and informed him they were there if he was hungry plus leftover KFC was in the fridge.....no success. I discovered 2 of the 8 hamburger buns I bought for dinner were missing as I was wrapping up cooking the hamburgers. Then later, found the entire can of pringles I planned to use for lunch this week was gone. I had put them in a hall closet that I thought would be safe. Nope. A few weeks ago, it was 2 lemons he helped himself to and left the empty bag in the fridge. I NEVER buy lemons. He found them and ate all of them. Who would even think you need to hide lemons from a teenager???? I spoke calmly and directly to my SS and asked that he leave certain foods alone that I may cook with. It went well, I thought. How can I think of every specific item to tell him not to devour? I'm pretty sure he knows not to do it, because I never see him rooting through the cabinets and fridge when we are around. He waits until we are in bed or outside working (while he lounges in bed or playing video games) to do it. If I involve my DH, he screams about his son not being able to eat. The kid is about 6'8 200+ pounds, he gets plenty to eat. Similar situation regarding the bathroom. He has his own room and bathroom in the basement. He was coming upstairs and using my bathroom. How did I know? Because of the urine all over the toilet and floor. My DH lied and said he did it himself. Eventually, I just asked my SS to not use my bathroom. I was yelled at by DH as if I was abusing him by asking him to use his own bathroom since he can't clean up after himself. He's been asked to do 2 chores on his weekend visit, wash his bedding every couple of weeks and empty his garbage can/put new trash liner in. He never does either. I took the garbage can away since he won't maintain it. My DH put another can out and yelled at me. Apparently, its a travesty to ask a 15 year old to take his own trash out or walk to another room to throw his trash away.
Thanks for letting me vent. Any tips on dealing with this without a verbal beatdown from DH?
I went through all of this
I went through all of this and even worse. There is nothing you can do. My fridge was (still is) getting raided and my groceries wouldnt last during visitation.
The solution is to buy nothing and keep the fridhe to a minimum. If food items are missing, you have to let your husband know to go get it on the spot. If you dont have any hamburger buns, you just go to your husband and say calmly "i purchased hamburger buns and you guys (always address them collectively) seem to have eaten them all, could you please leave wtv you are doing and make a quick trip to the store while I finish dinner".....He will get tired if every time something is missing, he has to replace it
Buy those 99cents pack of noodles and the $1.99 XL bags of chips....Lots of cheap junk and let him ruin his health
My fridge/pantry were very empty this weekend outside of some fruits (banana, apple, pineapple), cereal, milk, noodle and bread
They ate up all the cereal,drank all the sweet tea, finished a whole loaf of bread, 3 noodle packs, all the bananas and fruits, all tortilla chips
All these items were purchased on saturday and finished by sunday morning. Everything was purchased in XL/Giant/Family sizes and large quantities. This is addition to having big dinners with a protein, 2 sides, a salad and a side bread/rolls. On saturday night, i got myself a smaller plate with salmon and a salad a extra bread, not the sides. They complained that i ate most of the rolls!!! I said YES because you have two sides and I don't! I only ate two rolls and they had one each + 1 for my husband.
At home their mother cooks for them 24/7 big meals consisting of beans/cheese/pork/red meat/corn so they are always full....These food items arent really part of our diets at home but they keep you fuller longer apparently
Went through all this
Sounds familiar. In my experience, the kids only eat what is quick and easy for them. They aren't starving enough to cook noodles, soup, heat up leftovers. Their hunger only applies to eating entire bags of expensive chips. The cheap ones stay in the cabinet for 6 months.
Locks. Everywhere.
End of problem.
Don't play games, end the problem.
Samsung has a fridge that you
Samsung has a fridge that you can lock while using their app on your phone. I considered buying it years ago but its a bit pricey
I also move some of the stuff i like or want to keep to my room/nightstand when they are here. Its very annoying and inconveniencing....The best bet is to buy the least food and only cheap stuff in xl sizes
Brings back memories
When I suddenly found myself with 3 extra kids the first summer DH and I were together, making a total of 5 kids, I would make a trip to the grocery store, fill up a cart to the top and bring it home. (I refused to do more than 1 cart at a time, we have to have standards, right?) Within a day or two, it was all gone. Back to the store.... two or 3 times a week. This was back in the seventies and I remember overhearing other shoppers complaining about inflationary prices. I couldnt afford to even think about it, I had 7 prople to feed.
Flash forward and as they all entered teenage, it just got worse. I didn't mind them eating but what really got to me was when I overheard them asking their friends, "Want something to eat? Sandwich? Soda?"
Flash forward and DH85 is eating everything in the house. He's not gaining weight but has prostate cancer so I'm not sure if that's a factor or what. His oncologist says dont lose weight so he's taken that as a green light to eat everything. Whatever.
Food is such a powerful, emotional thing.
The dreaded summer/extended
The dreaded summer/extended holidays! I was finding myself at the store every other day but then i stopped and just told them "i will not be doing groceries until next weekend so make this last if you can"...They just eat it all up within 2 days and then call their mom to secretly deliver them food down the street at the park haha
I cant fathom eating all of this like that. I grew up low income and my mother would ration stuff and buy the same things every time to fit the same budget amount. If we were raiding the kitchen, we would have gotten whooped....We also were conscious that if we eat moderately and share, the food/treats will last longer and benefit everyone....
Weird how these children from single income homes dont seem to have the same approach at all
Memories
I feel you. This isn't my first go round as a step parent. I had 9 people in my house once. We resorted to each kid having a rubbermaid container with a bike lock on it. Each week, they received a 2 liter, bag of chips, pack of snack cakes, etc. We had to do this because teen stepson ate all snacks day one and no one else had anything left. His father and grandmother defended this. He's now in his 20s, 6'5 and overweight. Anyhow, he still broke into others' bins and my ex husband would claim the dogs must have done it. Near the end of our marriage, had a lock on the fridge and pantry as well. I would make lunches for the kids for school and he would steal from them in the mornings. I found my SD offering snacks to all the neighborhood kids one morning. Grrrrrr. Praying your husband is fully healed.
Clearly the problem is that
Clearly the problem is that your DH isn't behind you on this. Maybe couples should therapy will help with that. As far as the food, your husband should ask him what he wants for food on his visit, buy that, and tell him to ask before getting anything else. If your DH won't even do that he's useless and an a-hole. You could try that, and if the little angel still won't listen, lock your stuff up. An acquaintance of mine has a fingerprint lock on his pantry.
Clearly the problem....
You are 100% right. My husband is useless and an ahole. I brought the missing food up last night after he was verbally attacking me over other matters. DH blew a gasket. Yelled something about NOT FOOD AGAIN!! Your daughter blah blah blah. My daughter is grown and buys her own food. She can be trusted not to get into other peoples' things. He refuses counseling. Marrying him was a huge mistake.
Correct that mistake.
My kids were voracious eaters
My kids were voracious eaters at that age, all three of them, and I think they would have been really hungry if I'd locked them out of cabinets. I just kept tons of food in the house and let them have at it.
I guess if you need an ingredient for a specific meal, maybe label it? See if that stops him.
Voracious eater
There was plenty of other food. I cooked chili dogs, there was leftover KFC, an entire bag of apples, cereal and milk, frozen tacos, bagel bites, cheese sticks and on and on. I raised 4 children. They knew what was available for snacking and what was for meals. There was bread available, no need to open a pack of buns. And I just had the talk with him a couple of weeks ago about certain items off limits. I work full time, have multiple animals to care for, family out of town, I don't have time to label each item. And if I did, my husband would verbally attack me. He believes his child is ENTITLED to eat what he wants, when he wants, regardless of anyone else's needs.
Sounds like your H needs to
Sounds like your H needs to be the one responsible for food shopping and preparation. He's not going to change his stance until he experiences the work, time, effort, and expense that goes into feeding a family.
100% This
It is time that the H become 100% responsible for grocery shopping and food preparation. When he ultimately complains then tell him he didn't like the rules, regulations and boundaries set so can be 100% responsible.
2 of the 8 hamburger buns I
If you were cooking 8 hamburgers, plate yours with a bun and put the rest on the table family style. Tell them that the buns were for dinner and two were eaten. It's the honor system, so if you ate a bun already, get a fork, and eat your burger sans bun.
If the bun eater takes another, and DH goes without a bun, oh well.
I love it. SS and spineless
I love it. SS and spineless DH can go bunless!
No bun
Unfortunately, he will lie to stay out of trouble and DH will lie for him. For some reason, he would rather die than admit his son did anything wrong. He took my phone charger one weekend while I was visiting family out of town. Let me walk around searching for it without saying a word. My DH making helpful comments like did you take it with you? NO, I never move it. I knew my ss took it, but fear of the verbal beatdown I would get kept me quiet. The cord showed up on my computer desk at the end of the weekend. I guess I should be happy he didn't outright steal it and keep it.
Frozen burritos are your
Frozen burritos are your friend. I bought huge bags when my boys were teens! I could not believe how much they could eat. If this kid is 6'8' and 200 lbs, that is skinny! However, your husband is being a dick. Stop playing this game with him. Let him buy the groceries and cook, then you can stop being concerned about it. By the way my grand kids eat lemons all the time!
burritos
200 plus pounds, probably 240/250. There were several frozen burritos available, among other things. I will probably throw away food this week that he passed on. Like leftover KFC, chili dogs I cooked, and the hamburgers he didn't eat. My guess he was full of my entire can of pringles and the missing hamburger buns. I paid for us to go to a Mexican restaurant on evening and he only ate 3/4 of the food he ordered.
Why are YOU picking up the
Why are YOU picking up the tab?
The Tab
Because I make more money and I didn't want to cook. My DH money goes to: Child Support, truck pmt and gas to pick up SS (he has a work truck for commuting to work, so truck is purely for SS transport) buying SS snacks at gas stations, a minimal portion of household bills, weed. To give him due credit, he constantly does home/farm projects, works on vehicles and takes care of some of the animals we have. I buy all parts and materials for the projects and animal care.
When my SD's were younger..
When my SD's were younger.. I tried to give them a "shelf".. in the fridge.. in the pantry.. of food that was free range acceptable. We actually had them request food when they were younger.. because it's a good idea to 1. help them make good food choice habits.. 2. ensure they didn't ruin their dinner snacking and 3. they didn't eat things that were set aside for other purposes. My MIL grasped her pearls when she heard we made them ask for food.. her house is free range.. anythign and everythign was ok. (that's fine lady... you run your house as you wish.. I will run mine).
I like the idea of this falling back on your DH.. if main ingredients are eaten.. he can go without or be made to go get that main ingredient.. your DH can replace the item immediately..or he can be responsible for making or replacing dinner with whatever..
Your SS could also provide his dad a list of things he wants.. (lemons?).. it sounds like he is kind of cluelessly using and eating what he sees in the house.. and his age and size his hunger must be pretty intense...
But.. it's falling on you.
The real problem I see here is NOT your SS doing typical thing for his age.. it's his father's response.. SCREAMING at you? that is not a healthy sign.. a huge red flag.. and I would be really analyzing the balance of your relationship to understand why you stay with someone that treats you like that.
Hunger
I don't want the boy to go hungry. I actually like my SS and am not a cruel person. There were options. And you are correct, this is an issue with his father. He is only child of both his parents and they treat him like a king. Other people don't matter. If he wants it, he should have it. Before we were married, my husband bought him a 4 wheeler and didn't pay his electric bill. I didn't realize that until after we were married. I made a poor choice marrying his father and I'm paying the price. There are plenty of good solutions to this, but not when the father refuses to be reasonable. His solution is for me to shut up and cater to his son's every whim.
Don't let the boy go hungry,
Don't let the boy go hungry, just buy less and start really hiding crap (as in even more creative than you were being before) you don't want dissappearing in no time flat. ONLY make available what you want him to be able to eat. If your DH has a cow, tell him to take a big fat dose of get over it.
SS and SS eating your food
SS and SS eating your food aren't the problems you should be focused on. The big problem is your verbally abusive husband. Get rid of him and your SS problem solves itself.
I have an moribldy obses SD11
I have an morbildy obese SD11 (like literally by medical BMI.... MORBIDLY). She sneaks food when everyone is asleep. So I purged all junk food, "fun" food, etc. DH & i told her that she doesn't get to choose what she eats anymore because she now has coronary artery disease. I am sure boys are different. But, DH knows I don't spend a dime of food on SD. If I did, I would be bankrupt.
Morbidly obese
Sad to hear that. I think its abuse to let a child get that overweight. It makes them unhealthy in every way, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
We have issues with SS9 as well
Who lives in our home now. BM fed him nothing but processed food & what he wanted while she left him home alone at age 4 locked in a room on video games & now he won't eat hardly any real food. I have to hide & ration certain foods because he will eat it all of it or obsess over it. We have a major eating disorder created by a parent where a child related food to both comfort & trauma and now we are left to deal with.
Web cams.
The one who scarfed the buns.... does not eat.
A natural consequence for that choice. A kid won't suffer if they miss a single meal. Metabolic disorders not withstanding.
Locks and webcams address a lot of these types of issues when there are spawn in the home that can't follow rules. If something was in the fridge or pantry, we asked. No meant no. No ask and screw up mom's meal planning, and we were in our piggy bank pulling money then on our bikes running to the store to replace it. Then... the consequences were invoked.
Not only are you being used
Not only are you being used financially and in so many other ways, you are being, at the very least, verbally abused. You are minimizing this verbal abuse.
You have the money. You have the intelligence. You just need this willpower to kick this douche abuser user poor excuse for a man and father to the curb.
Lawyer up, plan it, excute, live a better life.