4 days a month isn't enough... but any more might kill me.
Hi,
I am brand-new here and could use some advice. I am 2.5 years in as a sm and am struggling... ss (7) and sd (9, with Down syndrome) are only with us every other weekend, while my bds (14 and 13) are with us half time. When it's just dh, bds, and me, life is awesome... then "the littles" (what we call the skids) show up and everything turns updise down. Bm and her bf parent 100% differently than we do and allow behaviors that I can't stand, but since we only have them 4 days a month it is very hard to teach them different things and have it stick. I've tried to just "go with it" and only fight what truly matters, but it ends up with our house getting trashed, my feelings (and my bds' feelings) getting hurt, and a general sense that this just isn't working.
Dh and I are (in theory) on the same page about what is and isn't ok... but he struggles with implementing it since there are SO MANY issues and he doesn't want to spend the whole time ss and sd are with us correcting them. I understand where he's coming from, but it ends up that I feel like the bad guy or try to ignore it and feel like an outcast in my own home.
I know I can't be the only one who has come up against this, so I would love some words of wisdom (or reality!).
Raffe
Sorry to read about this.
Sorry to read about this.
Your right 4 days a month is not enough BUT a parents job is to parent. Sometimes 'those' times are spent repeating over and over again. I am not sure what is going on that your feelings and child's feelings are being hurt. Maybe you can tell us more if you want to.
BUT joining two families of kids requires some standard rules which could help a little. YOUR home should not be trashed by anyone, your kids, his kids, the neighbors kids or your family.
Something that may help is two fold.
Find SUPPER NANNY on Bravo and watch it.
two, get a poster board and you and DH write a total of 4, 5 house rules that will NOT change and granted NO wavers. tap it to a wall, or fridge and help kids read it out loud.
1. no running in the house
2. put your dirty clothing in your wash basket
3. NO jumping on sofa or chairs
4. Clean UP toys and put them away after your down playing with them. CUT off time is 7pm daily.
5.Eat at kitchen table always
6. TREAT EVERYONE NICE always
These could be standard household rules, if they don't follow them--dh and you must find a collective way to correct. There is no PRIZES for following rules. Just like school.
GoodLuck
Regardless of how much time
Regardless of how much time anyparticular kids are in your marital home they should abide by the household behavioral standards and rules.
You and DH set the rules, communicate the rules, enforce the rules, and apply age and developmentally appropriate consequences for failure to comply with the standards and rules of the home.
As GoodLuck says above, a parents job is to parent. Though 4days/mo is not a lot of time with the Littlesn with your help DH still must step up and parent. You and DH are equity life partners and that makes you both equity parents to any children in your marital home regardless of kid biology. If DH will not step up, parent, and discipline before you have to then he can STFU and have your back while you do it.
He has a choice. Parent or get out of the way.
Good luck.
Take care of you.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your thoughtful replies! I like the idea of agreeing on family rules and posting them (I will clean up after myself, I will respond when people talk to me, I will be nice to everyone in the house...) Maybe if they help talk about how they want things to be here (which would probably include me being nicer, to be honest), they'll cooperate with the changes they need to make, too.
I'll talk to dh about it tonight and come up with a plan!
Just having this space to vent and find resources is so helpful, thanks again. And reading about some other people's truly horrifying experiences was a good dose of perspective - and a reminder that we need to nip this in the bud now, when ss and sd are young!
Raffe