Can't forgive SD, Marriage falling apart
I'll start by saying that I've been holding back my thoughts and feelings for so long and it feels like I've bottled up so much anger and sadness that I just might explode if I don't vent. Hope someone out there will hear me out.
I have been married almost two years to a man 13 years older than me. He has four daughters, 15, 12, 11, and 8. I have a 6yo daughter and together we have a baby son. SIX KIDS. His daughters have never accepted me and, instead of going on and on into great detail, (because there is so much I could say) it just feels so separate in this house. Him and his kids (or Army, as I call them) versus me and my daughter. His kids bully mine, they love their little brother because they're always wanting to play with him but they play too rough and then get mad at me when I say something to them. DH never disciplines his kids - especially the one who needs it the most. The real "problem" child. His oldest. She has been caught skipping school and smoking pot and do they do anything? No. When I say "they," I mean Dh and her BM. BM is a nutcase who had been gone from all their lives and chose to live on the street and with any man that would take her so she could support her meth habit. My husband took care of these kids by himself for years, and to top it ALL off, the oldest daughter isn't even biologically his. He was told that she was, but when she was 9mos old BM told him the truth. He adopted her anyway and has always considered himself her dad. That's fine. But this girl has SO many problems and I cannot stand her because she's JUST like her mom and is nothing like DH, which makes it even harder to tolerate her. About a year ago when I was pregnant with my son, I tried to wake her sorry butt up at 1:30pm only to see her wake up and get in my face threatening to hurt me and screaming profanity and how much she hates me. Since then she's moved out and lives with her BM while me and Dh have the other 3 girls FULL TIME except for ever other weekend. But now summer is here and I used to look forward to this time of year. Now I dread the weeks they are here.
Last Friday DH and I were arguing. Again. Which always happens and that is a whole 'nother story in and of itself. His oldest overheard and reacted by saying that if I said one more word she was going to "beat my ass." Then I overheard DH say "Don't do it, she's got the baby." Not too sure how to feel about that. I left with my kids and went straight to the police. I asked if I could press charges for threats but can't b/c she's only 15. I figured they were leaving that day for a week so I'd just let things calm down and face it when they get back. ... Today is that day.
They're supposed to come back today and honestly I feel SICK to my stomach just thinking about it!! Half way because I'm nervous and scared to be around oldest, the other kids do exactly what she does so they're going to be giving me attitude too... then all this causes incredible tension between DH and me that it becomes almost unbearable. He's told me to leave hundreds of times (no exaggeration)and gone to my folks' then he begs me to come back. And I do.
I find it hard to function these days. I'm going to counseling and on an antidepressant. Finding it hard to be the mother I want to be and know I can be to my kids ... doing everything I can to keep from getting too depressed, it makes it easier when I look into my baby boys beautiful eyes and see him smile. I want to keep my family together for him because he loves us all and we love him. I don't want all this fighting, tension and arguing to get to him though, and I know eventually it will if it hasn't already. Please. I know I need to forgive my SD and move past resenting her for causing such problems just because she wants attention. Have to stop showing my anger when they're around. I welcome your advice and opinions, as I am just about a rock-bottom here. Praying for strength and guidance.
It sounds like you're fairly
It sounds like you're fairly close in age to his oldest-is that true? If so, I can understand how that would be very awkward for everyone. My own sm is 12 years older than me. I'm 16 years older than my osd.
Having said that, it really boils down to dear old dad. He's the only one who can really fix things. He is the one who needs to insist these girls treat you with respect. He needs to tell them, "you need to treat Wolfe with respect." He shouldn't say, "you need to respect Wolfe." If he says the former, they'll understand that all they have to do is treat you nicely. If he says the latter, it may sound to them like he wants them to love/like you. That'll be a further turnoff to them. They'll be more likely to warm to you if he simply insists that they treat you respectfully. Every human being deserves that.
He needs to take a much stronger interest in their schooling. He needs to make sure they go to school. He needs to keep in frequent touch with their teachers.
He needs to spend time with each kid and get to know them as a person.
Maybe these kids could use counseling. It sounds like they have been through a lot. Having a third party to vent to can be awesome.
Either way, Dad needs to teach them healthier coping and venting skills.
Anon is right on alot of
Anon is right on alot of points.
My OSD is only 14 years younger than me. That creates alot of challenges. Her mum is also a meth head. That left me with quite the charming SD.
I went through the same things. I think that's why I have such a strong emotional response to these stories like this.
Your DH has to be the one to.stop this because it will only get worse if he doesn't.
I'm 28, 13 years older than
I'm 28, 13 years older than her, DH is41. You are right. DH really does do a good job with his girls. I wonder, though, if he has the capability to be both a husband AND an father. He had to take care of them on his own for so long that its kind of all he knows. He is very active in their lives, almost to the point where he cant find balance between me and them (i.e. feels like he makes me mad if he hangs out with them and thinks it make them mad when he spends time with me).
That bastard child of the
That bastard child of the meth head that is threatening u should NEVER EVER step foot in YOUR home again!
I don't care if he was a sucker and adopted the product of his slutty ex wifes drug fueled extra marital sexcapades. We have to deal with enough crap from our spouses actual offspring to throw in the kids some other dude procreated( prolly a method head too like the BM) threatening us! Even if she WAS his actual daughter she STILL shouldn't be welcome in YOUR home acting like this.
And his reaction? What kind of weak sauce is that? " Don't attack my wife because she has the baby!!!!!" So if u are NOT holding an infant then Junior Miss Crackheah has full permissionto attack.
This is such bullshit.
Sorry, that was very harsh. I
Sorry, that was very harsh. I just saw red when I read about your mistreatment.
No one should have to endure this level of disrespect or live in fear.
This is so wrong in so many ways
((((( hugs))))))
That kid's behavior calls for
That kid's behavior calls for something harsh.
Thank you. You don't know how
Thank you. You don't know how good it feels just for someone to understand.
thank you for what you said!!
thank you for what you said!!
OP, if the mom is a drug
OP, if the mom is a drug user, it is quite possible that sd has problems because of that, especially if bm did drugs during her pregnancy with her. Has Dad ever looked into that?
Yes, and that is for sure a
Yes, and that is for sure a likely possibility
I really hope she's getting
I really hope she's getting the help she needs.
I hope so too and I want that
I hope so too and I want that for her, even though I have absolutely no say in the matter... I know she sees a counselor that her mom takes her to once in a while and that she is "active" in alateen (but yet she's admitted to smoking pot recently). My opinion/advice is not welcome, anytime I've ever said anything in the past or alerted her dad of alarming pictures or posts it just causes a fight.
Yup, hubby's the problem but
Yup, hubby's the problem but my prayers are with you. You say that they are making you depressed and you can barely be the mom your children need. Well let that be your motivation because you need to stay strong for them
they need you to protect them...so sad
I'm sorry you're going through this
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments and support; they are on their way here now and after reading these posts I realize, as I have many times before, that I shouldn't have to fear my own home. I've already sent my bd6 to my folks' just incase something were to happen. There is so much more I could say and want to say. Like the time DH did what I call "unleashing the dogs" on me when he let the bm of his kids come in my house and cuss me in my living room telling me to "get a backbone" that she had "been right where I am" and that her kids weren't gonna live like this hearing me and her dad argue. I don't instigate fights, let me say that. I do, however, run my mouth when he starts in on me. I feel like I have to defend myself and even when I walk away and say nothing he follows me into every room, all while I'm holding the baby. He's called me a stupid bitch while holding our son. Bent down and whispered in his ear that mommy's a f***** bitch. But then dh can turn around and be the man of my dreams some days. Mostly on our alone-days. He cant stand for my bd6 to be here when his 4 aren't. Does this all boil down to me being too weak to leave? I admit I'm afraid to leave because of things I've been through in the past. This all just sucks.
He is an abusive POS. He
He is an abusive POS. He whispered in your baby's ear that you were a f'in bitch? He is a POS father too. You need to get away from him and he needs to not be around either of your kids. He has a serious problem and no wonder his oldest daughter threatens you. I would tell him, OSD, and BM to eff off and die. Then kick them all to the curb.
He sounds abusive. He said
He sounds abusive. He said that to your baby? Sweetie, please leave for the sake of your children. If nothing else motivates you, that should.
Omg. He is an abuser. Please
Omg. He is an abuser.
Please leave
Please leave now
You're right. I didn't want
You're right. I didn't want to, but had to give some weight to what she said. I'm so nervous about them being here. I'm a stay-at-home mom while dh works so its just us for 8 hours a day. I really want nothing more than to NOT be a victim. But its like my feet are stuck in the mud. How do I not allow people to do that?? Honest to God I have tried and now I do not know.
:sick:
You hit the nail on the head.
You hit the nail on the head. I have no respect for myself. A marriage counselor once told e that no woman who respected herself would put up with what I have. I am trying to get a job- I want something to get me out of this house!! I have NO friends. Never get a chance to get out and meet people, Dh is very closed off and anti-social almost. I had one friend but he didn't approve of her. What I'm getting at is that I've buried myself in a hole here and am scared that no matter what I choose to do or what decision I make, its going to be wrong. My track record speaks for itself. I already have one failed marriage and thousands in student loan debt with no degree to show for it. I recognize the problem is ME, and honestly that just makes getting out of this feel even more hopeless. I'm one of those who doesn't have what it takes. Just like entering this family and being a stepmom. Thought I could do it but guess I can't.
Pack ur shit, decide who ur
Pack ur shit, decide who ur gonna stay with, drop ur kids off there... Go home. Wait for those snotty brats to get home, and then when they start running their mouths and threatening you.... Open a can of whoop ass!!! Then calmly, walk out the door, decide to let him live with his monsters.... and don't ever look back!
Easier said than done, but the only thing scary than change... is staying exactly the same.
"the only thing scary than
"the only thing scary than change... is staying exactly the same." SO TRUE!
OP you obviously have your
OP you obviously have your parents house to go to, its not ideal when you have two children but that your DH is doing is abusing you. SO WHAT if you have two failed marriages?!! Quite honestly, how many marriages you have had is NOT a reason to stay in a relationship where your children are learning how to treat women and how to conduct their own relationships in the future. What are you going to think when you see your beautiful, smart and funny bs6 as an adult woman beat down and being used as a whipping post all because she saw mommy putting with her SF calling her names, laughing at her, allowing her step siblings to treat you like nothing?!! Just like they treat her like nothing.
Your skids are awful because their parents are awful, your children may start to follow that tread too.
Do you want your son to start calling you bitch because daddy is whispering these toxic things in his ears - so he thinks they are funny things to say, to make mommy cry?!!
Your DH tells you to leave because he knows you will stay and if you do by some miracle leave then you always come back. He allows his daughter to threaten you?!! :jawdrop: My god, thats beyond unacceptable as is what he is doing to your daughter, your son. Its all screwed up. The message he gives his children is that you do not matter, your daughter does not matter and your child is their play thing.
Please get some back bone and start drawing the line in the sand and do so calmly and with dignity. People will only treat you, the way you ALLOW them to treat you. You are in control you know. You may not think so, but you have choices. You at least can explain to your parents that you are not going to continue to be abused - being used as an escape goat, verbally abused and controlled IS abuse and oh boy ofcourse the abuser can turn on the charm! How do you think they hook their victims in the first place and keep them?!! They make you feel like its YOUR fault in the first place, they push and push you until you crack and sometimes react badly and over the top - that way they can justify their own behaviour e.g. "look see, what you said/did to me was awful. You are worse than me as I am only protecting my children..." They will apologise and promise things will change when they are caught out, but they are only words and they are wonderful when things are going their own way.
My advice?!! Leave. Go to your parents house. Take your child, file for CS and consider whether you want to look for a job or re-train. The reason you are isolated is because it makes it easier to control you, to abuse you. That is why he didn't like your friend, he can make all the excuses he wants WHY he didn't like her. The truth is, he wants all the attention on him and you dependent on him because its less likely you will leave him. So turn that around. Ask your parents for help and reach out to old friends and family, use your energy to pull yourself out of this funk and grab your happiness and self confidence back. You have two beautiful children and you are alive. Get independent, get your hair done, some new clothes, spend some fun time with your children, your family, your friends and STOP listening to your OH (exOH). Shut your phone off. Let him blow it up, but tell him ONCE that he has to show you changes and you will not be moving back in with him. Tell him he needs to have counselling with you as a couple while you live with your parents (should you decide to make that effort). Make OH realise you are serious leaving him, by going (I can tell you if someone told me to leave I would. Only then if he thinks he WILL lose you, then he will show you if he is serious about keeping you. That means SHOWING you he is changing - counselling, parenting his kids and make sure its over a long period of time (if at all). I would consider finishing it in your shoes, however I am not you.
Thank you for taking time to
Thank you for taking time to write all that - I've read many times over and over. Let me mention this, though... I went through a lot and it took a tool on me when I had to fight with my ExH for 5 years over our daughter. We had split custody (week on, week off) until he finally ran out of money and gave her to me. I am SO not trying to go through that again! Being separated from Bd6 nearly killed me and my bs10months is my heartbeat. I would die if I had to hand him over and leave him at the mercy of his dad and sisters. I know DH would let them take total control and that thought sickens me. He doesn't have the money to fight me, however. And where I'd stay with my parents is an hour from where we live now. I've been noting every detail of how Dh has been acting towards me and treating me since his BD's got home Sunday. he is happy as a lark that they're here and has been totally ignoring me. Comes over to pat the baby on the head when I'm holding him then walks away. The man does not have the capacity to be a father AND husband. You're right, who gives a f*** how many times someone has been married, I don't. I walk around this house and NEVER smile, never play or laugh (and those are things I love to do). I'm silly and light-hearted but my spirits have been darkened and consumed by negativity and tension. I know if (WHEN) I leave that I will have to let him be a part of our son's life and he probably wouldn't make it as hard on me as my exH did. But STILL. I've told him how much I dread having to deal with him on an "ex" basis.
Do you think your children
Do you think your children would do better with a mother who smiles, plays and laughs....or with a mother who walks on eggshells and is filled with tension and negativity?
That's the bottom line, IMHO.
I would not even bother
I would not even bother trying to get a job or anything. I would take your kid(s) and leave. Go to the local women's shelter. It won't be easy but you will be able to form a life for yourself. Not this living hell that you feel stuck in.
He is (AT LEAST) verbally abusive. What happens when he decides that is not enough? Do you want your baby to grow up thinking this is the right way for a man to treat a woman??
A true man does NOT treat his wife like that. A true man does not allow his CHILDREN to treat his wife like that. You say is a good father but he sure hasn't parented those children properly. Being a "best friend" to your child is NOT being a good father.
Make sure you start gathering evidence too. You want to probably get supervised visitation for him because of his tendencies.
Here is the Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1−800−799−SAFE Call them when you can. Even if he doesn't hit you, he verbally abuses you which a lot of times can lead to physical. He also allows his children to abuse you. Gee, I wonder where they learned it from?
Your situation has really struck a chord with me. Please get out. The sooner the better. If not for you, for the baby!!
I'm seeing the light. Had a
I'm seeing the light. Had a discussion with him last night and told him the truth. Feel like he couldn't be both father and husband. Hard to realize that my marriage is over. Like you said, though, imagining spending the rest of my life with a man who doesn't treat me and my bd6 right, and that has four kids who I can't handle. They've never really done anything "to me" except Osd15 but they've all lied on me and ran their mouths to BM. Just basically caused me nothing but trouble; ganging up on me and bd when dh and I fight.
I don't feel so much the wall are falling in on me but that I actually DO have the capability to break free of these walls. When I was 1 week from giving birth to our son dh grabbed me by the elbow, pulled me to the front door and pushed me out. All this because I wanted to go wash my can and asked for my keys while he was working out. Swear to God. I landed on my right arm, not my stomach thank God. Drove myself to the ER and told them I fell in the shower. Luckily nothing was broken, just contusion, but I couldn't hardly move the next day and it was painful to hold my baby and lift myself up off the bed for a long time. I had just gotten full custody of bd6 and she was about to start Kindergarten. I dealt with what happened in my emotional "wanting-to-keep-my-family-together" state of mind. What I've come to realize is that in a year nothing has changed; its gotten worse. Relationships with Skids still no good, thought once the baby got here it would bring everyone together and we'd all be happy. Not so. Judging by dh's responses (which are "we don't need you" and "go on then, I don't have time for this," he is a sick of it as me.
Had an appointment w/my counselor this morning and spoke with her about my decisions and trying to leave WITH DIGNITY and respect for myself, mostly. This is going to be hard and I'm fighting an inner battle to try not to get depressed and sad - not to look at this as the end but as a beginning.
Sure as hell hope I've got what it takes. He took all the money and cards with him to work today so I pawned my wedding ring for gas money (at least I've got my own car).
Outta this hell hole fake-ass life.
All I can say is get out.
All I can say is get out. Any husband who would allow his child to speak to you that way and sit by as you are threatened is lower than low. I put up with a lot of the spoiling and indulgence issues that my husband does with my SD12, but one thing he demands of her is to always respect me. I will never deal with being blatantly disrespected in my own home. My SD12 has attitude now, so I can only imagine what she will be like at 15, 16. But I dont worry, because I will kick her out and to her moms in a heartbeat. I am the woman of my house and she is lucky to have a roof over her head. I will never tolerate disrespect. I dont from my own son and wont from her. You need to get out and find someone who will love and stand up for you.
Just read your 2nd post and
Just read your 2nd post and glad you are making a move. It isn't easy I know, but imagine how happy you will be once you get through this time!
OH HELL NO! I wouldn't go
OH HELL NO! I wouldn't go back sweetheart, we, you don't need to be treated like that nor do your children need to be subject to that type of behavior and have it accepted by their father. Baby there are Fathers, Daddies and freaking sperm donors. Fathers I like to think of as the strict but not mean male figure in the household, Daddies can play both sides well and are pretty good spouses ( none of them are perfect)..... sperm donors you just look at and go WTF happened??? Only you can decide but no matter what your heart, staying in a house with that much disrespect is not healthy for anyone and it's no home its a war zone. I took my oldest BS to a therapist for a while he's 19 now, due to him being so uncontrollable ( later to find out he was ADHD) she told me that when he deliberately did things naughty and he needed an ass beating, to use a phone book it didn't leave bruises. This therapist had 4 SC and 2 BC and had been a prison guard in FL before she got her doctorate.
Just saying.....
My sd15 has made false
My sd15 has made false accusations against me. This was devastating and threatened my freedom and my once peaceful home with my children. I have lived in fear for 2 years of what she is going to do or say next. In July she chased me around the house getting up in my face as I went from room to room with my kids. Finally we got in the van and watched a movie while the police talked her. They have came too many times and done NOTHING. she is on probation. It's a joke. so she is OUT. My DH finally gets it that she is a threat to our safety and we have to be separated. She is at a family member's. She will not be allowed to come back here. I think you should leave or at least threaten to leave. I doubt that the oldest SD will change or that your husband will start showing you more respect.One or both has to happen immediatly. If my Dh didn't grow some balls and put his foot down we would not be togehter. I would be divorced twice and I would hate that for my 2 little bios, but it's not worth living in fear and let my home by run by a pschyo teenager. I AM DONE. I AM FREE.
Leave. Take you kids and
Leave. Take you kids and leave. You've left and then gone back??? Go and stay gone. Any "man" that would let his wife be treated that way is no man.