How to stay quiet
Ive been with my partner for 8 years and have known her 14 years. My step son is 10 (SS) . I have known my step sons Dad for 22 years. We were on good terms until 3 years ago. Step sons Dad got a new partner 3 years ago. Basically, 2 years ago, his partner twisted a situation and he fell out with my partner big time. Since then the screw has been turned and it gets worse with every week that goes by.
Without going into all the detail, the current circumstances are that my partner and her ex no longer talk, are not on good terms at all and he struggles to communicate on simple things like days and times of collecting SS and he changes plans last minute.
My partner does try to do the right thing but historically it has backfired with good deeds being deemed manipulative (she offered mediation which he agreed to then didn't attend) and an indifferent approach being labelled selfish or controlling (she told. Him she isn't interested in his opinions about her and she was called a selfish mother). It's like she tries to bend to make the situation easier but it never works and we find ourselves stressed and anxious.
My partner struggles to maintain an amicable relationship with him even on a basic level and finds it hard to get past it as up until 3 years ago we were all really close. It's almost as if somebody has come in and snatched away the good relationship we had out of jealousy and paranoia.
My issue is I am not sure how we can continue living like this with my partner struggling to not be anxious about the next thing he will accuse her of or what situation he will manipulate next and when it will happen. She finds herself preempting situations to try and prepare for every possible outcome from him. She also lives in fear that he and his partner will turn her son against her (he even said he hopes for her sake he doesn't grow up to resent her).
I am also struggling as a step parent in all this as I've lost a friend. As a step parent I have to keep my mouth shut. I can't jump in with my opinions and telling my partner how I feel and what I think doesn't help her it adds extra pressure.
Feeling a bit lost in all this so any words of wisdom would be very much appreciated.
I hope she can continue to
I hope she can continue to keep doing the logical and mature thing for the kids sake and ignore his antics.
Making a basic plan for high
Making a basic plan for high probablility situations with her X is a good thing. They can be adapted quickly. However, there is no need to plan for every possible situation.
She needs to start applying painful pressure on her X including dragging his useless unreliable ass to court. There is only so much one should do when accomodating a toxic former partner. Then ... bringing the pain needs to be implemented.
Late return of the kid is unaccdeptable. XH needs a consistent foot up his ass to get his attention. Your partner not only must protect her own best interests and the Skid's best interestes but she must also partner with you to protect your best interests. Your opinion not only matters, you must inject it and you must be insistently active in managing the interface with the blended family opposition.
Time for your side to develop some testicular fortitude in dealing with the toxic daddy.
Thanks
Thank you. It's always difficult and my partner is getting stronger all the time but it's still a long way away from where she used to be.
I will continue to be the supportive wife as always but feel if I tell her how to handle him, I'm no better than his partner.
It's a lot to figure out and she fears taking him to court in case he turns her son against her. They've already shown their ease in manipulating SS and creating situations seem to be orchestrated to perfection.