Hi msbianca,

Is it really the kid you can't tolerate, or your BF's lack of parenting?

I think so often we resent our stepkids under 18 years old when there really is a lack of parenting from the bioparents. Kids don't learn this stuff on their own. Adults have to teach them. Even though they might know deep down that it's wrong, they still need their parents to enforce rules and boundaries that will help them grow into healthier, well-adjusted people.

Your BF is really doing his daughter a huge disservice. First, he's letting her get away with mouthing off. I can guarantee you that if she tries that with a boss at work, she'll be out the door fairly quickly and looking for a new job. She'll get sent to the principal's office for mouthing off at school. In fact, it could get her suspended from school if she does it too much. Does he want to put her in those positions?

Second, he's not teaching her healthy ways to vent and cope with bad feelings. If my parents hadn't taught me those life skills I wouldn't be where I am today. I'd certainly be a lot more depressed. Talking through your feelings in a civilized way with any adult by saying something like, "I'm having a problem with so-and-so. I feel angry a lot towards them. What can I do?" or "Dad, I often feel really jealous of stepmom and your kids together. They get to see you every day and I don't. What can I do to help myself feel better and less jealous?" is ok. What BF should not tolerate is "SM is a f*cking b*tch and I hate her stupid a$$"- like statements from SD. I don't know if it's gotten to that point yet, but he can nip it in the bud now by showing her how to have healthy discussions about her feelings. He should lead these discussions and if she says something mean about you, he should say, "you don't have to love or like SM, but you can't be mean. How would you feel if she said something like that about you to me? Let's find a more polite way to say that." And if she continues being mean, he needs to enforce a consequence (i.e. no tv for the rest of the night/weekend). He should also say something like, "I know you can do better than that. You'll get another shot tomorrow."

Third, he's unintentionally pitting you two against each other by not parenting her. He's not parenting her, which makes you resent her, even though his lack of parenting isn't her fault. By not parenting her, he's making it harder for you to like her or want to have a relationship with her. He needs to realize that this is making it nearly impossible for you to become closer to her, and that he's only hurting her by not parenting her, because it makes you resent her, even though he is the one who isn't parenting her, that isn't her fault. I can guarantee you that if he started parenting her, your resentment towards her would decrease significantly and then you two could start to get along much better.

Welcome

I recently discovered this site myself and venting sure did make things better for my morale.

One thing to watch for is that as you and the stepchild knock heads, the more your boyfriend has to deal with it the more he's gonna blame you. I've been going through this for years. Eventually I had had enough and decided to keep a distance from the situation and this was no good either. The two of them just started looking for a reason to fight until they got one and now my wife and I are not on speaking terms and I don't think it's going to last anymore.

Good luck. If you care about your boyfriend enough to make it last on the long term, get some counselling while the kid is young. Trust me, that kid has a fairy tale style viewpoint of life where she is Cinderella, the world owes her a better life and you are an evil bitch who needs to be defeated.

Well having kids together certainly complicates things. I would never recommend that ANY woman be involved wtih a man with a "previously enjoyed family." It's a setup for failure. Usually the father has very limited time to parent, the mother makes sure that he doesn't and the courts make sure that he stays in a subservient position to the BM. Then there is the kneejerk "guilt" reaction that afflicts, I'd have to say 95% of the NCP dads.

Which all adds up to children who recognize this, play it for all it's worth and get assigned "adult spousal status" as mommykins adult confidant (and eventually daddykins adult confidant if you have two failed parents; most common scenario)

I'd say start parenting this girl since your BF wants you to take the reigns. So start cracking down on her big time and putting her in her place. Then gauge your BF's reaction. If he starts getting defensive and/or having two sets of rules, one for your children together and one for her (more lenient). Then it's time to disengage from her completely, making BF totally responsible for her care.

No support? No responsibility! Most men (and of course BMs) want stepmoms to have zero percent authority and 100% responsibility. Hell to the no!