Overwhelmed and Scared: probably getting a third step-son
To begin with, this is not a sure thing. I am probably overreacting, and reacting too soon to shaky information. I am also freaking out. I have two step sons (2 and 5) and a crazy BM on my hands already, and we are getting married in september. And it looks like FDH's other son (from a teen pregnancy situation) is being abused and needs help.
I have always known that FDH had another son in his hometown. The son was born when FDH was a teen and the mother is from a rich family. They didn't want FDH to have anything to do with the son and had the money to fend him off legally. They left him off the birth certificate and every lawyer FDH has seen about it said getting paternity and visitation would cost him about twenty thousand dollars if the mother had money and didn't want to cooperate.
He has repeatedly tried to establish some sort of contact, but they won't let him talk to his son. The kid does not even know who his father is. FDH's dad works at the kid's school and is worried because the kid has been showing up with bruises. So, FDH's dad tells him that he's actually his grandfather and that he can help if something is going on. I'm not sure how the kid reacted to this information as FDH's father was drinking and emotionally devastated when he called us last night.
And FDH doesn't seem to be doing anything about it. I'm not sure what he is thinking, but he doesn't seem to want to talk about it. I'm sure he is very overwhelmed. We are supposed to be going to court in May to get primary custodianship of the 2 and 5 year old, and now it looks like he's going to be paying yet another lawyer for some sort of paternity testing.
We had been talking about trying to have a baby together after we got married and got primary custodianship of the current step kids. But I can't imagine trying to have a baby with him when he already has a son who is possibly being abused and who probably needs help.
FDH always thought he made the right decision by allowing the mom's family to push him out. The kid, I believe, has even been adopted by the mom's husband. FDH was very poor when this happened, and probably thought that his son would be better off without him, especially if it meant that he could grow up being fully accepted by a rich and influential family.
I don't know. I'm just feeling overwhelmed. We have to do something about this. I refuse to even entertain the idea of having a child when there's already a kid out there who needs a father, but I'm not ready to take on an abused twelve year old either.
I'd really appreciate any advice you have to offer steppers.
I think FDH and the child in
I think FDH and the child in question qould be best served if the first step FDH takes is to get a DNA test to see if this child is indeed his.
If the test shows that FDH is the father the next thing he should do is go talk to an attorney to see what he can do and what his options are. He should ask the attorney what he can do to get his child help if he suspects he's being abused.
My best wishes go out to all of you. I'll keep you and this child in my thoughts and prayers.
If he has been legally
If he has been legally adopted by another, chances are slim that your SO will be able to do anything about the situation. The boy is 15 and SO has never been on any birth certificate or court papers he will have a steep hill to climb.
While my heart crys out to the boy if he is indeed being abused please use caution in telling him anything. If he goes back to his BM and dad telling about how he kows about his "real" dad and grandfather then he may be putting himself in further danger of more abuse.
Ex4Life- That's what I'm
Ex4Life- That's what I'm worried about. I think FDH's father was just overwhelmed by the possibility that the kid was being abused. He really should have contacted FDH and figured out a way to approach this from a legal angle. On the other hand, I can't say for sure that I would have done anything differently if I were in his position.
It's been really rough on him. He sees his grandson every day and can't say anything to him or acknowledge the relationship in any way. That's a tough place to be even without possible abuse going on.
Anon- I am going to speak with FDH about going that route. We really need to do something, and I can't see the court denying him if he can prove he is the father, not to mention there being a abuse issues
If your fdh's dad works at
If your fdh's dad works at the school then he has to report suspected abuse to the athorities. Rather or not it's his grandchild or not, if the kid is being abused someone has to intervene. Good luck to you all and I hope for the best!
I would anonymously send
I would anonymously send child services out there on a tip of possible abuse. Let them see if anything is going on. IF he is being abused, then dh should talk to an attorney. I agree hough, that if he has already been adopted then it is unlikely that your dh will have any rights. They might have said dh 'abandoned' his own child and that is what allowed rhe adoption to go thru. As harsh as it seems I wouldn't have dh get involved unless this kid is in danger. Once it is proven he is being abused and the paternity test says dh is the father then he should contact child services and tell them be is the bio father. Is your dh wanting to step in and be a dad after all these years or is it the grandpa that is pushing him to do hhis?
I agree that calling CPS is
I agree that calling CPS is not a bad idea. By law, they're obligated to look into the claims they receive. Send them the information that FDH has that can support this claim along with the contact information of those who have talked with FDH about this. It will also help you sleep better at night knowing you did what you could to help the child.
I would anonymously send
I would anonymously send child services out there on a tip of possible abuse. Let them see if anything is going on. IF he is being abused, then dh should talk to an attorney. I agree hough, that if he has already been adopted then it is unlikely that your dh will have any rights. They might have said dh 'abandoned' his own child and that is what allowed rhe adoption to go thru. As harsh as it seems I wouldn't have dh get involved unless this kid is in danger. Once it is proven he is being abused and the paternity test says dh is the father then he should contact child services and tell them be is the bio father. Is your dh wanting to step in and be a dad after all these years or is it the grandpa that is pushing him to do hhis?
I think your FDH would of had
I think your FDH would of had to sign over his rights if the ex wifes husband adopted the boy. In that case, sadly he probably won't be able to do anything?
I'm not sure what's going on,
I'm not sure what's going on, exactly, so far as FDH is concerned. For as long as I've known him, he has been upset about the fact that they wouldn't let him see his son.
He said all the lawyers he talked to told him he was pretty much screwed since he wasn't on the birth certificate. I think he always wanted to be this kid's father, but the mother's family had so much influence and money he sort of gave up on the idea. He's actually been to three different lawyers about it, and they all seemed to think it would cost more than FDH could afford.
I was unaware FDH's dad was really concerned about the issue until last night, actually. Then again, it's sort of a touchy subject and FDH isn't very open to talking about it.
I agree that FDH's dad or someone at the school needs to make a report about the bruises. I'm going to suggest that today.