would I be crazy to stay?
My divorced bf (47) wants to pay 1K for child support and 1 K to BM (for bills, to help her out). (this is on his own, not court mandated). Which is generous of him, except he is $170 K in debt. but unable to file bankrupcy as he has some cash flow income. I believe his mo income is 6k avg. (he claims, is avg) His divorce was finalized 1 yr ago. BM and her daughter (11) rent a nice 3 bdm house. BF rents a room with 3 roommates, used to live in a garage for 6 months. My BF and I argue regarding this every night. I assume he feels guilty of leaving them and wants to make up for it with money? BM is employed FT, makes 5 K month, steady job. IMO, I think she should downsize to an apt, if she'd like to save $ to pay her bills. BF wants to pay her spousal support for another 3 years. and CS for as long as daughter (11) will need it. BF has made it clear that 1) he will not pay them any less, and if I don't agree...too bad... 2) he will not relocate away from them until daughter enters college. (I live 6 hrs away), so if I don't move there, relationship over
This issue bothers me that he is willing to give them that much money when he is in that much debt. He does not have any savings, nor 401 K. this worries me.
He wants me to move in together in the next 6 months, and help him with half the rent/ bills. He has not proposed to me at all. no ring in sight. Although he says we would marry in a couple of years. It would be different in he had some savings and was planning a life with me and being reasonable with CS and extra money for BM. but I clearly don't see that.
When I asked him why he pays her that much, knowing that he has debt, he tells me that they were married for 20 yrs and feels obligated.
I worry about leaving my current job, and moving in with him to constantly argue about money. His daughter plays soccer and he is super involved with that. He is a great dad. I love that about him. but I need some security as well. I have excellent credit. I'm almost done paying my 30 k school loan. I am very responsible with finances. I always try to have some emergency savings. I don't have any children of my own. I am 35. and most of my friends have purchased a home, and I feel that I should be doing the same, building a life with someone...saving together..
Would I be crazy to move into this situation and become a step-mom? or am I setting myself for an unhappy marriage with a guilty dad? I know he wants the best for them too...
My first question would be
My first question would be are you sure they are actually divorced? If so, there should be a CO for CS & visitation. If there is one & he is going above & beyond, I'd run the other way. If there isn't one, he should get one ASAP to protect himself. Does he make enough to warrant him paying 2K? The only way I would even consider making the huge move you're considering would be to keep finances separate completely...he's credit alone could destroy all you've worked for.
It's great that he's involved with his daughter but it sounds to me like he's looking for you to make up for the extra 1K he's throwing at his x. That "too bad" thrown into your no. 1 would make me turn & flee.
I was floored when he opened
I was floored when he opened up to me re: his finances. I personally wouldn't be able to sleep. He explained that it was from a a business that gone wrong. But I still don't feel he should pay her that amount, since he is in a hole himself...
yes. they are divorced. I
yes. they are divorced. I read it and checked it online to be sure. (the best 3 dlls spent) He is giving her the amount set and plus on his own free will. He doesn't share finances with me....it just turns into a daily argument. I never know how much is he paying off on those business debts... or is he just ignoring them ?
As far as visitation, they don't have anything on schedule. He picks her up daily and takes her to school. He also takes her to soccer practice 3 times per week. if the BM wants to go out, she calls him to come pick her up. there are many unset boundaries in this relationship if you ask me....that my gut tells me to walk the other way...
If we keep finances separate, how will be ever save for big purchases?
RUN!
RUN!
Sweetie....you've been asked
Sweetie....you've been asked to move in to help pay his expenses so he can send his money to Ex and his daughter.
He needs you to take care of his personal needs, he needs you so that he always has a mate, he needs you to bring in the dough.
Why are you wasting good time and good money on this insensitive clod that doesn't care what you think? AND, I bet he's let BM and his daughter know how he's set you straight. So there's no winning for you in this relationship....only losses here.
Pack it up and find Prince Charming that's worth the time and cares about what's best for you.
'Nuff said. Geez Louise...
'Nuff said. Geez Louise...
Run run as far as u can he is
Run run as far as u can he is not on ur side
I agree with the
I agree with the others...RUN!!!
Ok, I have gotta weigh in on
Ok, I have gotta weigh in on this..
Do not settle for anything less than you deserve. Do not, enter into a relationship where there are still money/financial issues with the ex. Do not, give up what you have to be with someone who has excessive baggage.
It appears to me this guy has way too much going on and is in no position to create a life with someone else. His past life has not been resolved so he can move on mentally, emotionally or financially. YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO HAS.
Please trust me on this. I gave my all to a guy who was still trying to pull it all back together 3 years after his divorce devastated him in every way. It was pure hell. I had my shit together as a single mom and thought my "hard work and good life skills" would help him - along with a big ol' dose of love and understanding.. unfortunately.. you can't do anything for these guys. It's something they need to do for themselves.
Please trust your gut and not your heart - listen to those who have lived through this and learned the hard way.
I know it's a difficult choice - I shed many tears over mine. <<<>>>