She may be crazy but I dont want her to go
My SS7 mother is an unmedicated bipolar, irresponsible, trashy kind of mom. You know the kind-let's the kids stay up all night, dresses them in rags, can't keep a job, gets evicted from apartment after apartment and blows all her money the day she gets paid and then has none the next day. She lost custody of SS when he was a year old but had another child afterward (not with DH) that she has custody of. She is really not much of a problem because she can't be. We are raising him and she has no say in his life. She does see him every other weekend and that is my saving grace because this kid is just soooo bad. I NEED him to leave or I will loose my mind. When she picked him up this weekend she told me that she she may be moving because she has no choice because she "just cant make it here" She is going to move clear across the country to a relatives house because "they will give her a free ride." And she can live at their house for free. She has brought this up a few times already and we have managed to talk her out of it but this time I think she may really go.She currently lives with some friends and I think it's about to come to an end. Because of her credit history she cant get her own apt. and none of her family here will let her live with them (again). If she goes I do not know what I will do. I deal with this kids horrible behavior all week both at home and at school and if I have to deal with him every weekend and never get a break I will loose it. Besides the fact that this kid has many mental issues and his mother leaving may push him off the deep end. I dont know what I'll do-HELP!
I guess my first question,
I guess my first question, since the SS has lived with you and dad since he was a baby, is why is he so bad? Have you had him tested to see if he has actual mental/physical issues? If not, that would be the first thing I would do. If that is not the issue then what? It sounds like your home is where he receives the majority of his upbringing. In which case I would have to suggest looking at the structure and boundaries that are being set and enforced in your home. Children are only as good as those that guide them, in most cases. What I would not do is worry too much about his Bio mom because it's obvious she has enough trouble just taking care of herself and is not really a good influence on him most likely anyway. Best of luck to you.
My SS
has many, many issues. I will not take the credit for any of them since I have only been around for 3 years and these issues began long before I came into the picture. When I met my DH he had just been kicked out of his 5th daycare. He is diagnosed with ADHD, bipolar, OCD and an anxiety disorder. We are currently trying out different meds but so far none of them have helped. I have a BS who is 11 and has never been in any trouble at school. SS has been to the principals office several times already and is only in first grade. My home is very structured and this kid gets away with nothing-he just has no remorse and does whatever he wants. Punishment does not mean anything to him. COnsidering how well behaved my BS is the home environment cannot be blamed. From what I have heard from both my husband and his bio.mom he has been a difficult child since birth. Bio mom's 3 yr old daughter behaves JUST like him, has also been kicked out of daycare, and is not my husbands child and was raised in a completely different environment. I do not think we are to be blamed.
I wish I could introduce you to my cousin's wife
My cousin's first wife was about ten years older than him, and a drug addict, likely using when she had their two children. She ran off to follow the Grateful Dead one year when the kids were still very young. My cousin then remarried a wonderful woman his own age, who he met when she was the nanny for his kids after his wife left. They have one daugther together.
His wife is a saint. She has endured her SD who has turned into a drug addict as well, and sometimes they have no idea where she is or if she's ok.
Then there's her SS. For many years they took him to never ending specialists for what was finally diagnosed as severe tourettes syndrome. He's really bad. First of all he's about 6'2" now and violent tempered. But she has hung in there in a way I'm not sure I could have for my own.
Last year she shared with me that her SK's BM was hanging around milking them for money (my cousin is quite wealthy in CA real estate.) Every so often she would attempt to see the kids, then fill in my cousin on whatever sad crisis was going on in her life until he gave her moeny. Then she would disappear from the kids' lives again.
The last straw was after several times the BM promised to see her son (about 16 at the time) His SM would drop him off at a McDonalds so he could meet his mom there for a visit, and every time he'd call her crying and out of control b/c his mom didn't show.
My cousin finally decided enough was enough. The next time she showed up trying to see the kids and weazle money out of him he said, "Ok..I know what you're doing and I'm not putting the kids through you faking interest in them to get money from me. So how much? How much for you to move more than 2 days drive of us?"
The final pay off? About 5 grand. And she actually said ok. She left and they haven't heard from her since. It was always about money for her never the kids.
Here's another one. My sister divorced when my nephew was about 6. My neice was 9 and my littlest neice was only 2. Her ex, who had maintained a fairly productive life while they were together, went off the deep end into drugs and within a year was in jail.
He was in and out of jail throughout the kids adolescence. He made no attempt to see my oldest neice when she graduated high school, not even a card.
BUT he showed back up in a big way my nephew's senior year. My nephew had struggled the most with his dad's abandonment but through a wonderful SD (who took him fishing and hunting and all the things his dad never would have even if he'd had the chance) my nephew finally seemed to be doing well. He was a starter on the football team and getting decent grades. Then...
His dad got out of jail during my nephew's senior year of high school. My neices kept their distance but my nephew jumped right into a relationship with his dad when he resurfaced. Then...
my idiot good for nothing ex BIL started doing drugs with his own son right after his graduation. My nephew has been in and out of rehab, unable to hold down a job, and unable to support his own child for the past 5 years mostly thanks to his own father's influence.
Hang in there. If your SS's BM leaves for good this early in his life he may have a chance for improvement mentally. It may be the best thing for all of you.
Peace, love, and red wine
Take a break
How is it that you spend all your time with him at home & at school? Is there a way you can be away from him for the school hours? I mean, if you're around anybody that much, they're going to drive you crazy, & eventually resentment will grow... even if they're really nice. It sounds like you need to re-arrange your schedule so you can have a break.
Hipi
When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
I did not mean that I am
I did not mean that I am around him during school hours what I mean is that I am the one who has to deal with the constant phone calls and letters from the teacher and principal and the endless meetings that I must attend to discuss his behavior. So even when he is at school I am still having to deal with the crap. The only time I have away from him is when he goes to his BMs. That is why I do not want her to move away.
I did not mean that I am
I did not mean that I am around him during school hours what I mean is that I am the one who has to deal with the constant phone calls and letters from the teacher and principal and the endless meetings that I must attend to discuss his behavior. So even when he is at school I am still having to deal with the crap. The only time I have away from him is when he goes to his BMs. That is why I do not want her to move away.
Bipolar is genetic
"I have a BS who is 11 and has never been in any trouble at school. SS has been to the principals office several times already and is only in first grade. My home is very structured and this kid gets away with nothing-he just has no remorse and does whatever he wants. Punishment does not mean anything to him. COnsidering how well behaved my BS is the home environment cannot be blamed. From what I have heard from both my husband and his bio.mom he has been a difficult child since birth. Bio mom's 3 yr old daughter behaves JUST like him, has also been kicked out of daycare, and is not my husbands child and was raised in a completely different environment. I do not think we are to be blamed"
Your BS is not Bipolar... obviously he's not going to have trouble at school.
You and your husband should be working with the school district to set up an IEP for the school stuff. In the IEP they will work with class room behavior modification. Also your son should not only be on medication but also should be in therapy. There are child psychologists who work with children who have Bipolar Disorder.
Bipolar disorder is a chemical genetic illness.. Of course you or your home environment is not to blame... At least not for causing it. But, have you considered that maybe your home environment could be exasperating symptoms? Therapists dealing with this stuff can also give you ideas of how best to structure your home environment for children with these things. He's 7 years old... do you really think he understands the ramifications of his actions when he can't even understand why he feels the way he does? Punishing him.. and I don't know in what way you punish him... really isn't going to do anything more than tell him how he's a bad person... and the way you differentiate your children step son and bio son... I'm sure it could be vibrating off you at home as well, which could also impress upon him that you see him as the bad kid and your bio kid as the good one.
This is chemical, not environmental. and it really saddens me that you want to pawn this child off to a woman who is sick herself and obviously cannot afford nor consciously take care of this child with such illnesses. I understand frustration... but I've been on both sides of the fence... so to speak.. Please get your stepson in some play therapy to work on controlling his impulses and emotions in an age approriate manner and get an IEP done at his school.
Also as a resource, check out DBSA- they have a really good parenting forum there for parents with children who have Bipolar Disorder. As for the medications... it doesn't get any better in the long term... medications will constantly change. But please don't zombie your Stepson. And if he's really that bad- you should have him admitted to a children psychology hospital for inpatient to get him stable.
Talk to your local NAMI chapter- they have a lot of resources in terms of local agencies that help.. here in california they have the regional center... they provide a case worker... they take some of the load off parents and help provide programs for children with disabilities. Yes, your stepson has a disability. Please stop viewing him as a bad person. He's sick and hurting- not bad.