My DH (BF) wants me to watch SD for 10 days.. what would you do??
I will try to be short. I hope I can give a good view of my situation.
I have 2 BS one is 18mo (15mo Adjusted age, he was born 3 months premature) and one 8 mo, they are Irish twins. I work from home for a company doing the company's book and banking and for my husband on his handyman company answering calls, I manage a online store adding products and feeds etc.
DH asked me when his daughter could come and spend a week here and I said that she should come when my mom was here to visit and help me (I was trying to work as much as I could without having to hire someone so we could buy a house. The owner of the house where I live will sell the house after August, my husband is the only one that has the company (I am paid through his company) which does not make a lot of money, my husband has bad credit history so we were denied mortgage loans... so now we need a lot of money to rent a new place and pay a few months in advance or who knows... so I am and he is working as much as we can to make money to move.. I live now in a basement, unfinished, that smells mold with my babies.. I need to make a lot of changes..
Anyway, SD came while my mom was here, she is 9, she does not obey me, she stayed here for a week and brushed her hair once, she does not do anything for herself, she leaves the lights on in the bathroom and wherever she goes, she does not flush even after poops, she takes a shower and leaves a mess in the bathroom, she is hard to eat, so I basically have to cook a separated meal for her because my 2 babies eat what I eat.. in other words, it is a lot of extra work.. now DH decided with BM that she will be here for 10 days in August, when I have NO ONE to help, still have to work, still need a house, still stressed.. so I told DH to take her to day camp at the YMCA, at least for a part time so I can do work for a couple hours (she is used to just watch TV, we all live in one room, so she has to stay where I am working) we don't have a yard that I can tell her to just go and play for a few minutes while I can concentrate..
I am very angry that DH is putting that responsibility on my back specially right after my family in Brazil spent so much money to send her here to help me so I could not spend money and work.
DH said she is not going to YMCA because she does not want to and she can do what she wants.
He cannot take time off because we need the money and I can't assume one more responsibility ...his mom offered to watch SD and he declined to the offer.
I am ready to walk away for him, I feel disrespected and PLUS I DO NOT AGREE that kids should only do what they want, when I was 9 I already cooked and cleaned my house. This is how my kids will learn to be.
What would you do?
Yes, I told him several
Yes, I told him several times, I called his mother and he still says he will bring her and it will be my responsibility because he goes to work and I am the one home
Talk to his mom directly.
Talk to his mom directly. Arrange with her that if your husband can't find alternative care that she will take her granddaughter. Tell your husband what you have set up with his mom. Either he does nothing and granddaughter goes to his mom or he arranges some sort of alternative care. If he doesn't like either of those options he can take his daughter to work with him.
Right!?!? It's So nice to
Right!?!? :jawdrop:
It's So nice to know BM is deciding how you'll be spending your time! I would have a SERIOUS problem with DH over that!
Just say no, I did when I was
Just say no, I did when I was asked these exact past 2 weeks to watch ss12 while BM took a vacation. And Grandma stepped in to watch him and pick up after him all the time my fiance worked. And our wedding is 3 weeks away, my stress level is out of control. Although I don't have my own children, but I wasn't going to be used as a babysitter and house cleaner for that c-section dropping. We got in a big fight today when I was told he was coming back in the morning, but I'm leaving to my parents so ss12 will be alone from 4pm to 7am until Thursday, byeee byeeeeeee.
Needed to edit, I hope he can figure out to feed the dog or else she needs to come with me too because that kid is a piece of work.
The point of visitation is
The point of visitation is not to have a kid babysat even with grandma. The point is to be with Daddy.
Tell him that and tell him that if he leaves the kid with you' then you're taking the kid to her mother. If she can't/won't take her then the nearest police station.
Hey everyone I had a
Hey everyone
I had a conversation to DH and MIL and since he insists in bringing her here even though he will be working 90% of the time I made a list which I told him I will go over with her and him the day she arrives, I am also going to give it to BM so she knows what is up and it may be her decision then or not if SD will be here.. DH thinks I am too hard because a baby 9 years old should not be working that hard.. I explained to him that this might be how he was raised, but my mom when she was 9 worked as a maid and gave her whole pay check to my grandfather, she also took care of all of her younger brothers.. so I was brought up like that... I was not allowed to leave the bathroom if it was not clean and neat and I NEVER left clothes or towels on the floor.. so, he wants me to treat her daughter as she was my own and this is how every kid in my house is treated, my nephew of same age already cooks his own rice or pasta.. meanwhile I have to serve her juice and carry her place to the room to watch tv while she eats.. :jawdrop: .. so, if he wants her here full time tv hours, bed time, shower and brush her hair, make her own bed, help herself on her breakfast and take her plate to the sink, I need quite time etc,
Thank you, you are able to
Thank you, you are able to sum up in details and few words exactly how I feel. But what will I do? I have no family in the US, no friends around, he is American and I am not a Citizen I live here with a Green Card so I can't ask for Government assistant if I decide to live, I can't go back to my country because I need his permission to take my kids, I can't get a job and pay for all the expenses myself and he can just argue he makes no money either so he can't provide . If I make him stay and don't work, who will make the money to pay for rent? SD, thanks to heavens and her very smart mom has a place to go to after she leaves here and where will me and my kids go if we leave or if We don't make the money to move by August 31st?
Before I met my husband I had things sort of figured out for myself, I had left my ex husband because he was alcoholic, I was going to school, had an ok job at Lowes as kitchen designer.. now I have bills to pay and two little babies that did nothing wrong to deserve not to have the best that I know I can offer. I feel anchored down, suppressed, repressed, sad and depressed.
Thank you all for your kind words and advise, I hope I can do what is best for my children..
" I can't go back to my
" I can't go back to my country because I need his permission to take my kids"
Who told you that, him? It's only partially true. From what I remember, you do need both parents signatures in order to get a US passport. However, once you've got the passport you don't need anyone's permission to take them anyway - just plane tickets.
Your posts are ringing some alarm bells for me, you sound so beaten down by your husband. If it gets that bad, please contact a local woman's shelter - they should be able to help you. You don't even have to actually leave, just call them and see if they can answer any questions or give you any advice.
What type of relationship
What type of relationship does your DH want? One where he dictates and disrespects you- and then demands that you are ok with it?? :jawdrop:
He and BM are using you as free child care which is NOT the purpose of the child visiting. She is there to spend time with HIM not be palmed off on free day care.
Also having two young babies to care for and work is hard enough. What does this stupid man not understand about it? Adding a beligerent kid into this mix is just inconsiderate.
Your DH does not listen to you or take your needs - not wants - into consideration. You should really consider the way he treats you and - it's not ok!- if you want a future with this man!
I also just found out today
I also just found out today that BM is not aware of the fact that DH will be working through out the entire time. I think is naive to think that being that we did never even had honeymoon or vacation or took any holiday off because we really need the money. I would think she would expect that.. and no, it is not BM fault, just think she should know better.. SD spent a week here in July and he also worked the entire time and SD commented on that saying that.."well he knew I was going to be here, you would think he would make time for me".. I think BM had false expectations... not to be mean, because I don't think of her that way.. just hopeful and naive.
I would never tell SD to go wash walls, unless she made the mess.. or clean my house for me.. I just want her to clean up after herself.. I don't think this is unreasonable or crazy.
He will be here.. He works in
He will be here.. He works in the same town as a handyman. He is building up his company.. so he leaves the house at 7AM and most days he is not back until 9PM or 10Pm .. this is why he says he is here everyday
Yes, he was the one who told
Yes, he was the one who told me that he would never allow me to take my kids and he would not let me go just visit without him. I asked him many many times to let me go and stay in Brasil for a month with the kids, so my family could also meet them, the work I do I can do from anywhere in the planet, but he needs me a lot to help him on his work. There is a lot more to this story than what I wrote and now reading it out loud just these little fragments it all sound very crazy.. I basically gave up on my goals to help him, because he could not do without me, it is all my fault, I am not blaming anyone for my mistakes.
When I left my country I had a great job in a very good company, I have always been hard worker and good employee. I have a bachelor degree in Marketing that is not worth anything here so I can only get crappy jobs, the cost of living here in the US is much higher .. I am sure that if I went back my mom would watch my kids while I work.. I have a huge close family there and here I have no one to fall back and a great MIL who responds to me like this: " I do not want to get in the middle . But you have to do what you need to do."
I am afraid they would take my kids away from me if I don't have a job on my name.. right now I just work and get paid under my husband's company so nothing comes on my name..
We are legally married, I
We are legally married, I came here because I married an American in Brazil and we moved back here together, my ex husband was alcoholic and I did not know .. he was able not to drink for one year, but once I was here, about 6 months later he started drinking and went from one to two beers on the weekend to drinking till he passed out every night, he left his job, I took care of him for 2 years, my ex MIL and BIL asked me to leave him so he could hit bottom, he did, he recovered and he is back to be a normal person now. Good for him... I never thought of applying for my citizenship because I never thought I would need it for anything being the Green card allows me to work etc.. it all just blows
Thank you, I called my county
Thank you, I called my county and I was referred to a county intermediate unit, I have an appointment and they will come to my home on September 9, I was told it is a free service from my county, I might qualify for help with day care so I can get a job, the case worker will be able to help me with any resources I might need .. I want financial independence and I might also be able to see a therapist in a center where I can bring my kids.
I was also able to talk to a friend who lives about 3 hrs away and she said I can go visit her for couple days during that week.
Thank you everyone, may God always bless you lives!