Opinions wanted
My husband and I have been married for 2 yrs. His oldest daughter 17, has never been to our home, hasn't spoken to dad in over 2 yrs and only text about 4 times in this time with nasty text messages, which he won't respond to. He has twin 11 yrs olds. We use to get them 5 hrs one nigh thru the week and every other weekend. About a yr ago they decided they didn't want to come on the Friday nights we had them so we started picking them up at 10 on Saturday morning and keeping them till Sunday afternoon. Five months after that they decide they don't want to stay over night at all, so we pick them up on Saturday morning, take them back Saturday evening, pick them up for church on Sunday, take them back that afternoon. After chritmas this past yr they decide they don't want to come at all. Keep in mind that in 2 yrs we have attended ballgames and anything they have done, they won't even acknowledge we are there. We got them cell phones so we could talk to them, after 6 months they stopped answering calls and text. Only time they would contact us is if they didn't want to come over. My husband says he loves them but is relieved that the stress and drama is gone and is ok with them not coming around. He says BM has never wanted him to be apart of the kids lives and has always done everything to keep them from having a relationship. He says he lived his life and BM and kids lived theirs when they were married. I'm glad skids don't come. All they do is bring pain and stress to all of us. Do you think he is really ok with this? He knows how I feel. I NEVER keep anything from him.
There is a CO. What is PAS?
There is a CO. What is PAS? He isn't forcing them to come if they don't want to. Guess I should add a few things. I have been slapped, pushed, they have wiped poop all over everything in our bathrooms, they tear up whatever they can when theyre here. They have been completely brainwashed.
Well, regardless of if he is
Well, regardless of if he is "OK" with it or not, I don't think he should be shocked that it happened.
Allowing the SKids to have this much control over their visitation set the wheels for this to happen in place. Kids get high on power, and if they felt they had the power to cease visitation, I think they would just because it is a power that they can exert. They might not even feel 100% that they DON'T want to come over, but might play that card simply because they can.
It sounds like some serious PAS campaigns are going on over at camp BM, and by allowing his kids to take the reins at such a young age and stop visitation, he is never allowing the opportunity for them to think for themselves and start to make their own decisions about Dad. It normally takes kids until their teens to be able to start thinking this independently.
But maybe they are already too far gone, you did not really go into detail about what they were like when they did visit. Was you DH actively engaged with them? Taking them out and doing things? Or was he a vacant dad?
We had stuff planed for every
We had stuff planed for every weekend they were here. They would complain the whole time and make everyone miserable. Before the divorce from their mom, he said she picked them up after work and kept them out till bedtime. He rarely saw them. He's never had a relationship with them really. they won't tell him they love him no matter how many times he says it. When they are here they rarely speak to either of us. They cried at night wanting their mom and wouldn't sleep. I have been slapped, pushed, and they have several times wiped poop all over everything in my bathrooms. I have a 12 yr old and some times when they are here all they do is torture her.
Wow. Well it sounds like
Wow. Well it sounds like maybe this is for the best. How sad for your DH, but really it is the SKids who are missing out.
hey are missing out. He is a
hey are missing out. He is a wonderful man. My kids, 23, 18, and 12) adore him and have a very hard time with the disrespect he gets from them. We live in a very small town where everyone knows everyone. One stop light till about 10 years ago. When we pass the oldest on the road she flips us off. I own my own business and work with children and in my spare time coach little league, I LOVE CHILDREN! I hate myself and feel so guilty bc I can't stand his and honestly don't want them in our lives. My biggest fear in life is my husband resenting me for feeling this way. We still text them when they should be coming to see if they want to come. If they respond its always just a NO! He told me to stop even asking. Honestly, if the oldest walks back into our lives, I'll file for a divorce. I have NEVER seen evilness like that in a person. Her text messages, when she sent them, were so bad he had to block her from texting.
If he wants a relationship
If he wants a relationship with them (and he should be trying, with the younger ones, at least) he can. He can see them outside of your home (considering how they have behaved in your home in the past) and still communicate with them without involving you.
If he does not want to put forth the effort to do that, it's on him and I would tell him that. Let him know that he needs to do what he really wants to do in regards to his relationship with them, because you will not be the scapegoat down the road.
If he chooses not to do anything, you need to stop feeling guilty, he's a grown ass man.
You have every right to not have them in your home but he does not have the right to ever blame you for his lack of effort to sustain a relationship with them. Again, he's a grown up. They are his kids. If he wanted to see them, he would find a way. You are not keeping him from them.
Is there a reason you keep questioning him being okay with this? Is he saying or doing something? I know it's hard to understand, him letting his kids go, but he might really be okay with it, for the time being, anyway.
I'm with Hereiam. You
I'm with Hereiam. You shouldn't care more than he does. It's a very sad situation, I agree, maybe when they're older the scales will fall off their eyes. He should make himself available , and pray they come around. Not to be harsh though it's not really your problem, unless you were the "other woman" then they might have a reason for their resentment. Sounds like PAS to me _ "Parental Alienation Syndrome", your DH should read up on it.
He says this is his home to
He says this is his home to and he won't see them anywhere else just bc they can't act right. They won't communicate with him. He could force them to be around him but past experience shows that would be a disaster. He knows I don't want them in our lives period. Make me a bitch? Maybe. I know any person can only take so much. Maybe he doesn't push it bc he knows how I feel. My thought is, if he wanted them he would have them no matter how I feel or even how they feel. I keep asking him bc I have 3 of my own and I would NOT be ok!
You're right, its driving me
You're right, its driving me crazy! He won't go alone. Says they have to except us as family, not sure how I feel about it either way. He thinks i'm obsessed with it and says if I didn't bring them up he would never think about it. I'm leaving him alone about it. Just trying to get peace in my mind and heart. I am an awful monster for not wanting them in our lives and when I say our, I'm including him
He says he loves them but
He says he loves them but he's always known it would come to this. He says if I don't bring the issue up he never thinks about it. IT WOULD BE AWESOME if they NEVER came back, as long as he's ok. I really appreciate all the feed back from everyone. As you've all said, I can't keep talking to him about it. It helps to just get it out.
My children are 23, 18, and
My children are 23, 18, and 12. I can't have anymore and wouldn't if I could. BM has been removing him from their lives since birth.
Seems he's full of all kinds
Seems he's full of all kinds of excuses. Maybe he doesn't really like the assholes, either and just doesn't want to admit it or do anything about their behavior. Not your problem.
You are NOT an awful monster, they sound awful. It's called self-preservation and it's natural. Please stop feeling guilty.
If he really loved them and
If he really loved them and wanted them, could knowing I don't want them in ours lives really make him walk away?
I doubt it, he'd try to make
I doubt it, he'd try to make it work with them one way or the other if he really wanted to.
That's what I think too.
That's what I think too.