Keep my jealousy to myself, or ask BF to give me the affection he gives SK?

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I'm considering marriage with a man who has two teenagers. I've never had kids but I feel very fortunate that A) his kids welcome me warmly and his ex also welcomes me and seems supportive. My problem is that I am experiencing jealousy toward his kids because my boyfriend has some relationship fears that make him a little less demonstrative with me than I would like. But he has no problem pouring out the "I love you"s and the affection with his kids. I get that there is a difference and I feel silly being jealous. It's not that he never says he loves me, but it just is something I have to wait for... whereas they get theirs every day. He also showers them with gifts, whereas he only gives me flowers and takes me to dinner, he doesn't pick something out that he knows I will like and wrap it up. I feel petty focusing on these minor differences. But I don't want to start a marriage with this rivalry in my head. I have not talked to him about my feelings YET because I'm afraid of putting stress on the relationship. He has had problems committing in the first place, and now that he is getting serious I don't want to give indications that I'll cause problems in his family dynamic.

I've been reading old forums on this site about the jealousy issue and appreciate your insights.

I felt the exact same way

I felt the exact same way when I married my husband who had a then 5 year old boy. He is now 13. I can't really say that being a stepmom has gotten easier, but the jealousy faded away quickly after I had children of my own. Having children fulfilled alot of my need to love and be loved. Of course I still need love from my husband too, it's just that the love for and from my kids fill much of the gap that used to be there. Bio kids also helped me find my place in the family. I used to feel like my husband and his kid were a "unit" and I was the outsider.

But with or without bio kids you will have to accept that his kids always comes first. That is easier said than done, I know. That being said, I definately think you should talk to your husband about your needs. He is going to have to make an effort to make you feel loved and appreciated. If he can't I think you will
beging to feel resentment towards his kids. Although that will probably happen anyway...

Best of luck to you!

I don't think you have to

I don't think you have to cause problems in this family dynamic. All you have to do is say, "bf, I feel unloved and under appreciated for all I do for you and your kids. I would really appreciate it if you said 'I love you' more to me and made an effort to do things for me that you know I like."

You don't have to involve his kids at all.