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LIVING IN FEAR & MISERABLE

mypuppymylife's picture

A little about me. I am 42 (recently married 7/19/08-no children of my own). My husband "H" (45-never married before me) has two children. The (now) 17 tear old son lives at home with my H and me. (I moved here to be with them in February of 2007). SS lost his Mom to Cancer 5 years ago from AIDS and drug use. My H also has one daughter who lives with (a different) Mom. The daughter was tragically hit by an automobile when she was eight years old and as a result, she was left physically and mentally disabled. We pick her up every Sunday when we have dinner at H's Mom's house.

Little more about me: I am a recovering alcoholic and active in AA. August 28 I will be sober five years but I'm still living a hell without the alcohol. The reason I mention this is because although I have always dreamed of having a beautiful little girl (or boy), but I knew in my heart I could not take care of a child while I was actively drinking, so I never pursued serious relationships. Today, I help teens and adults with addiction recovery through various channels. I have also been a litigation paralegal for over 25 years.

After quite a length of sobriety, I was/still now in a position to (bear) and take care of a child. My H has been "fixed". When I first met him he explained to me that if I really wanted a child we could look into reversal-if is was, in fact doable. But I, of course, wasn't happy with this because I want him to have a child because he WANTS a child with me. Now he seems to have a thousand reasons why he doesn't want to.

My best friend just had a child at 40 for the first time. She keeps telling me that if it's that important to me, then I should think long and hard about my future. But I just blow it off and say, "well, I wasn't meant to have children anyway, or "I'm too old now, etc."

I am having an EXTREMELY difficult time dealing with my H's 17 year old son. Am I doing this right, that right? The girls, the dating, the driver's ed, the "You're Not My Mother" thrown in my face, getting after him (politely) to do things after I ask 100 times, the sloppiness, the messes, the dirty shoes on the carpet I just cleaned. I get angry and resentful and I don't think this is normal. I don't even like to leave the house because I don't trust him alone. He did admit once that he was in my personal "stuff" and took something, so I am paranoid now about him and who he invites in the house when we're not here. (Our home is being remodeled and there are no walls!) His grades are failing, and H defends him to the death! "Well, he's just a kid". Well, now this "kid" has a truck and a job.

Recently he was suspended for a week for "intimidating a teacher". He swore up and down that she deserved it. God forbid-someone take away his Blackberry. Well she took it away-he knows he's not to have the phone in school AT ALL and would be subject to having it taken away. Well she did, and he got "in her face" and turned into a monster. H doesn't see this behavior. I stay at home because I am still cleaning up the wreckage of my previous poor choices. We got into a nasty argument one day over kicking my puppy because he was being a puppy. Well, his face turned beet-red and he became explosive and slammed the top of my laptop down. On another occasion, H came home and had to literally pull him off from beating me.

It gets worse. He has 3 priorities in his life. Marijuana, his truck and his truck's stereo. He is flunking high school and had to make up 4 classes for summer school this summer. H doesn't have a chore list, lets him go and do what he "needs" to do, doesn't encourage him to do his homework and he just takes off until all hours of the night.

He thought it was "funny" when he placed a tick on his teacher because again, she deserved it. Another time I caught him putting dog dander and dust in my drink. My God I thought I was paranoid at first. That's what H thinks anyway. But H isn't here-he oftentimes travels for weeks at a time for work.

Another incident was when the police showed up last month looking for a stolen gun in one of our barns. A "friend" of his with whom he had been running with apparently was caught breaking and entering into a nearby home and there were guns stolen. (There are guns ALL over this house and SS owns a few along with a collection of knives.) Nice, huh? I am afraid to leave the home because last time I did he was with his "buddies" and a precious diamond pendant that my Mom gave to me when I was 16 was stolen. (My Mom and Dad both passed 6 months apart 4 years ago). If I mention another single thing that SS does, well, H just doesn't want to believe it, so I come out looking like a monster. And little things like "lighters" or any smoke paraphernalia seems to just "disappear". Nope, can't mention that something's missing-AGAIN.

And there's the usual teenage stuff like not picking up after himself..the trash has piled up for the last two weeks and the grass is two feet high-can't even walk to the mailbox.
I could really go on. I am at my wit's end and currently suffer from severe depression and I am bi-polar. The anxiety is intense. I feel so completely uncomfortable around him.

On one last note. It isn't clear H is actually SS's REAL father. But he couldn't stand to see his ex raise the kid because she was addicted to almost everything.

How do I act around him? I spent over $300 last week between taking him out for lunches and giving him whatever he wants just so that we can try to get along and the anxiety will be lessened. I know that's just trying to buy the friendship, but I feel it's more-umm, trying to keep my anxiety level down. And I regret the times I have to say "Goodnight I love you". Now I DO feel like a monster sometimes because I absolutely wish horrible things when I am livid with him. And it sickens me that H wants to build him his own separate entrance downstairs for him!!

I know that my thoughts are very scattered right now. Hopefully someone can make sense of all this....I hope someone can give me encouraging words.

Stick's picture

I am worried for you. I feel like you need to get out of this situation - somehow.

I am concerned because you mentioned your drinking in the past and I am wondering if SS is adding stress thereby "pushing" you toward falling off the wagon???

I also fear his violence. Kicking a puppy and having DH have to "tear him off of beating you" are not healthy environments. Either one of those is good enough reason to leave.

I understand you may love your husband and I understand that you want things to work, but you have to get yourself some therapy / help and fast.

It's a volatile situation and I am not sure how much better it can get without help, considering the fact that your SS is violent, your DH is in denial and you also have stated you are bi-polar. The 3 of those factors together need an outside guiding hand.

Please get yourself some help.

mypuppymylife's picture

Hello Stick-

Thank you for your post. Grrr-I can't see your original post. Oh well, I opened it up in another tab.

I understand that it seems evident that I "may" relapse. But I also know that if I do, there won't be another recovery. AA is prevalent in my life and one of the things that keep me halfway sane is the fact that I work on recovery issues with adults and teens who struggle with addiction. That being said, I believe I'd rather place a loaded pistol to my head than to endure another jackpot!

I have been seeing a therapist/counselor since the death of both my parents in 2005. One of them chose to take me on pro bono across the state when I moved. I am in dire need of one now, but have no way of getting to see one..

By joining this site, I am hopeful to obtain some advice from those that have been there, like yourself, perhaps.

I really do not have options because my ex-boyfriend stole the home I grew up in and my $100,000 inheritance. Legally. So I am battling that as well. I cannot go back there, obviously and I have finally found a decent and caring man. I don't think it's so much denial, but more of a guilt because of the fact that my husband went and got his electrical license and couldn't spend too much time with him while he was at college and studying. He loves his son very much-I know he does and maybe I am making him a monster, too.

I do appreciate your concern and thank you for your reply...

katie-darby's picture

I really do not have options because my ex-boyfriend stole the home I grew up in and my $100,000 inheritance. Legally. So I am battling that as well. I cannot go back there, obviously and I have finally found a decent and caring man. I don't think it's so much denial, but more of a guilt because of the fact that my husband went and got his electrical license and couldn't spend too much time with him while he was at college and studying. He loves his son very much-I know he does and maybe I am making him a monster, too.

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