Wits end

Tjj123's picture

Hi i have 2 teenage stepchildren. Right now im having issue with 15 yr old sd..on new years eve she got drunk im my care took advantage of my trust i hold my hands up and i failed as a parent i dealt with it at the time ..later on i heard a lot of noise and went to check on her she was on the phone to her friend making false accusations about her dad. When he came home i told him what happened he went and talked to her she denied it..so as usual she didnt like been pulled up on behaviour and called her mother to come get her then we dont hear fron her for 2 weeks...today she called and said i dont feel comfortable there and i wont come back till your wife applogises for lying...i refuse to because i am not lying i heard what she said and she was drunk she is denying she was drunk she is denying she said what she said. I am so hurt that she would do this and need advice on how to go forward. I told my husband that if she she is demanding an apology its not happening if she doesnt want to come here thats her decision the door is always open to her so if he has to meet her and spend time with her outside the house so be it but i am not going to give in to a teenager who thinks she can manipulate me or her father by demanding an apology she is in the wrong. However i feel horrible for my husbanx that he is been put in a situation between his daughter and wife what do i do??

tog redux's picture

One thing is for certain, if she does come back, don't ever be alone with her again. 

If your husband believes you (as he better), then he's choosing to be in the middle - he can tell his daughter that he believes you and that if she gets drunk in your house again there will be trouble.  Then he can insist she follow any court ordered visitation - at 15, you don't decide whether you come over or not.

Tjj123's picture

He does believe me. His response is that uf that what she chooses then thats her choice its been an going thing for years it the same with his teenage son. When the misbehave or are disrespectful he talks to thrm and punishes them but they always call their mother to come get them and she just yells them they are right their dad is wrong he shouldnt be punishing them..his son refuses to have anything to do with him after he punished him for disrespecting me by taking his playstation away and now his daughter is demanding an apology from me when he pulled on her behaviour..it seems to me that im the target for their excuses im the one blamed so they can hide from tgeir own behaviour. Theor is no communication between their parents its a highly toxic relationship but im getting the brunt of their kids behaviour not the actual parents especially a mother who gives them ultimatums its me or ur dad...its very stressful


tog redux's picture

It is stressful, I had a similar situation and my stepson refused to speak to DH for years.  Be thankful that you have a man who can stand up for himself and doesn't cave to his children's demands or buy their love. Mine is strong that way too, and we are happy together, even if it's sad that his son is such a toxic jerk, thanks to his mother.


Tjj123's picture

Thank you for your words and response its nice to talk to people that deal with similar situations i want everyone to be happy but that doesnt seem to be possible. The most important thing he is stepping up and refuses to allow me to be disrespected and j am so grateful for that

tog redux's picture

Yes. Keep reading on these boards and you will see tons of women whose husbands believe the kids, or just can't take the stand that your husband did, even if they know their kids are wrong.  You didn't cause this problem and you can't solve it, and he knows that.

Hang on to him.  He will need your support if his kids refuse to have anything to do with him. That's all you can do in this situation.

Lndsy747's picture

You're definitely not alone. Don't worry about him getting put in the middle. It's not your fault you are just their scapegoat. If you weren't around they'd find someone/something else to blame. 

I think most kids with BMs like this look for any excuse to hate the other parent. It helps them cope with their decision to be alienated. Just be there for your husband and focusing on enjoying your lives and each other.

Rags's picture

Why would you be hurt that your husbands prior relationship lying manipulative crotch nugget is full of shit as usual?

Quit giving this kid any space in your head and write her off until she demonstrates that she can be trusted by being trustworthy without fail for several years.

Move on and live your life with this waste of skin kid out of your life.

Good luck.

Take care of you.