Why do I compare myself to the EX
I was wondering if anyone else out there thinks certain things like:
"Did he do this with her?"
"Did he say the same things to her?"
"Does he act the same way around the kids like he did with her"
My husband thinks it is just insecurity and in some cases I know it is. I have thought about it everytime I start comparing myself to her and I think it is out of fear of my husband thinking I am just like her and falling out of love with me. He never compares me so I am wondering why I do this to myself. Any advise out there to help with this and get over this self destructive thoughts?
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What is he doing that causes you to feel this way?
Hipi
When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
I guess there are just
I guess there are just certain things that he has said in the past several years that I can't get over.. Slipping and calling the ex his wife and calling me by her name. I think it has a lot to do with my husband trying to make her and the kids happy all the time and feeling 2nd class. He has recently realized this isn't good for our relationship and has made some significant improvements to make us #1. Maybe it will just take time but I feel these thoughts are self destructive to me and our relationship.
I think it's normal to
I think it's normal to wonder & ask yourself those questions, but you shouldn't allow them to rule your life. Now saying that, I have come to believe that feelings are legitimate... like indicators that let you know something is wrong or right. You don't have to act upon them, but you should pay attention to them to see what is triggering these feelings. Is it your own insecurity or is it his actions? You said you wonder if he's falling out of love with you... why would you think that? What's causing you to feel that way?
Hipi
When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
I do the same thing,
I am ALWAYS curious about DH's past with BM.
Does he tell me he loves me as much as he used to tell her?
Did he hold her the way he holds me?
Does he love me more than he loved her?
ETC, ETC, ETC.
These questions and so many more and constantly swarming in my head and DO consume me.
I don't know how to move on from it....
Me too
but in a different department. She post non stop about loving her threesomes and how she loves to do "those" type things. I am not like that so I often wonder, especially if we are going through a spell, if he was happier with her in that dept.
I can't believe i just admitted that to anyone.
I HAVE
thought that before. I try not to think about it bc it makes me sick to my stomach, literally. But I have wondered that myself, if I am as "good" as she was. OMG I almost threw up a little bit. Anyway, I think I am totally over that thought though. Not sure how I got over it, but I think it has to do with the fact that he constanly tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. I mean, he always tells me this. I do believe he loves me more than he ever did her. I know our relationship is more solid and more real than anything they ever had together. In the beginning of our relationship, we talked a lot about our past realtionships. At the time, I was not in it for anything other than company so the things he said did not matter then. I remember some of what he said and the detest he had/has for her.
to Me too etc
Don't be ashamed of saying that.I had a similar situation.Just think this: YOU are a worthwhile person.He has to choose to be with you or her.Build up your self esteem.Is he good enough for you? I will pm you.
I feel the same...
I'm not sure why I do it. I wish I didn't have these feelings. I need to get some help before it comsumes me, I think it has already. Does anyone know how to stop thinking this way?
Wow
I thought it was just me. My husband tells me all the time our life is different you are different.. but for some reason that isn't enough for me and I don't know why. Maybe it is maturity but I am 37 and I am thinking maybe in my 40s I will feel more secure in my skin and these thoughts will go away. Thanks for all the comments on this subject.
I only wonder about THIS ex
Funny - I've dated men with ex-wives, ex-fiancees, ex-girlfriends, but DH is the first with kids and I wonder about/compare often their marriage, intimacy, lies, their break-up, etc. I never entertained thoughts about the other exes - how my boyfriend held his ex-whatever - only with DH and the skids' mother. My only guess is because the skids are PROOF that he was "intimate" with her several times - the others left no "evidence" so somehow my mind could deny that part of their relationship. Yes, it was lovely paddling my canoe down Denial. Oh, how I miss that river in Egypt...
Blueberry's Baby
I never think about
what their life was like together or compare it to our life. In fact I always have a hard time picturing them as a couple. My only insecurity is that I am bigger than her. She is really skinny like a boy & I am very curvy and have gained weight with having a baby. I try not to let that bother me as I am an attractive woman even though I am heavier than I like right now. My husband tells me he still thinks I am hot & if I never lost my baby weight he wouldn't care.
Trust me I care and plan on getting back to my pre pregnancy weight in 2008. Secretly I think he just likes that my butt & breasts are bigger, the big goof!
I agree..
Sometimes I am just amazed they were ever married in the first place because they do not even like each other, and didn't from the beginning of their marriage. She got pregnant (unplanned) soon after they married, and from then on DH thought he had no choice to make it work. Especially due to being in the military and therefore would never be able to get custody.
I know he didn't have anywhere near the connection with her that we do. I have a lot of women tell me, "Oh come on...you know he loved her once the same way," ummmm....nope. He did not. They were kids when they met, and she never matured past adolescence.
As a matter of fact this one's harder on him. I had a heartbreaking relationship when I was single, love-passion the whole nine yards. It lasted for two years and ended mutually due to circumstances beyond control, but I really didn't want it to, and it took me YEARS to move on. DH has a tough time with that because he has never felt about anyone the way he does about me. And though I try to tell him I didn't really feel about the other man the way I do about DH (ie the trust, mutually giving, balanced relationship DH and I have is so much deeper) he still knows I very passionately loved another. DH married his high school sweetheart, and they were together for 15 years total. He started meeting women immediately after they filed for divorce, and only briefly dated (about a month) ONE other woman after his divorce before meeting me. He was single exactly 6 months before we met, and the moment he met me he dated me exclusively.
Luckily, DH is a very grounded, secure person. He knows I love him more than any other, even the one who broke my heart.
And I am actually glad he did at least have a brief fling with another woman before meeting me. I have been around far many more blocks so to speak. I think it would be weird to know he was only with his ex and me his whole life. I would feel a little....ummm....unworthy! Men like that are rare indeed!
Peace, love, and red wine
I agree - only wonder about this one
I could care less about his other ex's. The reason why I feel the same as you is because this past of his is in OUR PRESENT and FUTURE. Now that I'm pregnant, I feel myself thinking (and getting sad) about "did he do this with her? did he rub her belly this way? how was he when he was next to her while he was giving birth?"
BUT, I know there are A LOT of other things that WE have done that THEY never did -- it makes me feel somewhat better and it helps forget he above..but what you're feeling, I think is normal; I'm feeling it too.
I wonder if the ex cares this much about us!
We stress about the ex/BM - I wonder if BM's also compare themselves to us -- etc. What is it about her that makes him stay with her, is he doing what he did for me when I was pregnant plus more, how is it living with him (BM and DH) never lived together. She got pregnant right when they graduated high school.
I wonder if the ex cares this much about us!
We stress about the ex/BM - I wonder if BM's also compare themselves to us -- etc. What is it about her that makes him stay with her, is he doing what he did for me when I was pregnant plus more, how is it living with him (BM and DH) never lived together. She got pregnant right when they graduated high school.