SD-8 and my relationship CONFUSING
SD - 8 and i have had some up's and downs.. She is a very shy kid and we have been living together for 18months and i can barely get 2 words out of her. She has gotten better and has started telling me stories of her day and having a opinion, but she is a DIVA as well and had melt downs that can last 2 hours when she wants 2 as well!
I am a very open and warm person, i love kids and im pretty good with them. i seem to be a big kid and never had a issue with bonding with them, but my SD8 is a different story! i have tried EVERYTHING to bond with this kid, special days out, one on one time, spoiling her, trying to buy her love, bonding over a activity together, trying to play the friend card and still get almost nothing.
Before i met my partner i travelled to Europe alone for a few months and had this silly shot glass which had alot of meaning behind my trip. SD 8 was playing with it yesterday and broke it by accident.
FDH, had a talk with her today about touching people special things and that i am really upset about this thing being broken. She burst into tears again and was sobbing and he was talking to get out of her what was really wrong.
So he called me and told me that she knows that she annoys me at time and doesn’t want to disappoint me? WHAT THE! this kid has never even given me the time of day.. she had this big talk with her dad saying she is knows i get upset when she does things.
she has never ever ever taken a interests in the things i try and do for her, never gives me the time of day... God she asks her dad questions about me when im in the car with her? And she doesn’t understand why i get upset and frustrated at her!
does anyone know where i can go from here? is she confused about our relationship as i am friend but also a parental figure in the house? im just really shocked she picked up on this and cares?
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Belle, where is her mother?
Belle, where is her mother? Sounds like to me she has a separation issue. Children come to their own conclusions about things. They are usually wrong because they only see part of the issues.
She is keeping her distance...there is a reason for it. Does she deep down hold out some hope that her mom and dad could or would get back together if you were not around?
So he called me and told me
So he called me and told me that she knows that she annoys me at time and doesn’t want to disappoint me?
She's 8. 8yos generally still look up to the adults in her life. You're one of the adults in her life. It's very likely that she's withdrawn because she doesn't want to say or do the wrong thing. To you, clearly an open and engaging person, this feels like she isn't trying or doesn't want to get close. To her, she's just being careful.
You don't talk much about her life before living with you, but it might be helpful to understand a little bit. She might also be scared that it was her behavior that separated her from her mother. And she doesn't want to screw this up too.
My advice (not that you asked) is to give it a little time. Don't *try* so hard (as she can sense you trying and that could make her anxious about being able to respond how she thinks you want her to respond.) Lean back a little bit and give her a little space to come forward.