I've had to give my dad a hard conversation about this sort of thing though not as bad. My sister, her fiancee, and their two kids live with him. She is suppose to give my dad money for bills and wasn't. Dad didn't want to do anything.

I had to get him to think about what would happen if he fails. If he loses the house or the water gets shut off. It doesn't just hurt him. By enabling he would be hurting them too and that's what your partner needs to see.

He thinks he's helping but its stunting them. There's a difference between helping someone whose trying to get better and just enabling. What would happen if tomorrow he was in an accident and died. Would they be able to pull themselves together or would they be looking and life on the streets?

As for your marriage. You can't make him change but neither are you expected to put up with it. You have to decide what your willing to accept, what has to change, and what you can ignore. If what has to change wont and you can't accept or ignore then for your well being that may mean splitting. What do you want to look back at however long down the road? That you stayed together but were miserable. That you guys got together and made a life that worked for both. Or that you moved on and lived better that way.

Both of the adults, with babies of their own, need to move out. Sometimes, people have to be forced to grow up.

I think you're probably on the right track. Under no circumstances would I live with failure to launch kids who have babies of their own and are living recklessly including drugs. I would just have to flee well before that point.

Best of luck to you.

Why didn't you call the police when these criminals stole your property?? :?

Of course we don't know your financial situation, but it sounds as if you need to be preparing for retirement instead of subsidizing dirtbags. Do you and your spouse share finances? Separate them. Stop buying food or contributing $$$ to the household. Let your H FEEL the pain of his enabling in every way possible, while you pay down any personal debt and sock away as much $$$ as possible. Don't cook, clean, or do laundry for anyone but yourself, and if skids try to dump their kids on you, put the responsibility of child minding squarely on your H. And consult a divorce attorney so that you can make informed decisions about your future.

Do you think your H would respond well to marriage counselling? It's an option, but many enablers live in a world of denial and don't want to change. Individual counselling might help you to gain clarity and decide what your next step should be. Please consider it. It helps so much to have someone in your corner who can validate your feelings and reinforce that you are not the crazy one.

Let me tell you about two enablers in my own family, my mother and my FIL:

My mother let my two dirtbag sibs sponge off of her until the day she died. They are in their fifties and sixties now, a burden on society.

My FIL was very enmeshed with his daughters and gdaughters, while his son (my DH) and gsons were cast aside. The males got their cr@p together. The females? None of them have ever lived independently, had a career, or higher education BUT - they could do no wrong in FIL's eyes. The eldest was his favorite, despite being an unemployed addict welfare lifer and a terrible mother.
When FIL passed away, OSIL was in her forties and unable to adult. Cue much drama and spiraling drug abuse, multiple hospitalizations including for an aneurism, and she now lives in an adult group home.
FIL died almost penniless despite having two pensions and Social Security. He's left a legacy of damaged, broken kids and gkids.

You're sacrificing your life energy, money and sanity for his adult children. Is it really worth it? What are you gaining that is of value to you? You'll stay married, well big whoop! Sounds like there's no real marriage between the two of you, just him and his relationship w/his live in adult children/grandchildren while you both work to support the enabled ingrates.

DH and the ss's tried the whole move back in and have you enable our extended adolescence. The whole fiasco lasted a few months, did not go over well and almost resulted in DH and I getting a divorce. I had to put my foot down hard and I'm so glad I did or ss32 would still be here jobless, passed out on our couch, getting stoned and eating all the food.

You're complaining about him and his children yet you've been actively enabling them for the past 9 years. You're part of the problem my dear. The fact that you're posting that you're ready for a divorce answers the question of whether it's worth it or not. Yes you'll be the bad guy, SM's are always the wicked ones no matter what we do. So do what you want, life is short.