Ages 1-4 were the hardest for me. At times parenting felt like a job. Once they get a little older, it's so much better. I have to ask, since you work remotely, what kind of daycare do you have for DD? 

You poor kid!

As if your domestic woes were not bad enough, you’re also stuck with the worst BM on this site. You hate your job so there’s no relief there. And there’s your husband, refusing to find better-paying employment despite having the qualifications to do so. Hon, you are building resentment that will compromise your marriage, particularly with so much else piled on.

So, your DH is ‘working at a job he refuses to leave’, although he could earn thousands more elsewhere, leaving you to take up the slack. Nice for him. You’re paying the price for his youthful follies in more ways than one. Time for a serious talk with him, telling him, in no uncertain terms, that he’d better get his stubborn ass out there and find work that pays more!

You are a patient, considerate and thoroughly good person, Castle, to the point where even your 2 ½-year-old daughter is taking advantage of you. Tantrums, screaming, stomping, slamming doors? No, no, no! (as your daughter would say). She’s behaving in this way because you’re allowing it. Time to ignore the carrying-on, take her to her room and leave her there to calm down. When my daughters were toddlers, back in the dark ages (1963), such behaviour was never tolerated and spanking was standard practice.

 I’ll probably get vilified for saying this but your child’s over-the-top conduct would certainly improve if she got a couple of smacks across the backside! My daughters are perfectly well-adjusted adults, despite a few spankings in their childhoods. Today’s worshiping of children, in my opinion, has led to the entitled, depressed, anxious youngsters that seem to be in the majority.

Have you had a heart-to-heart with DH? Can the two of you create a list of priorities and work together, or support each other, working your way down the list of what needs to be handled (would it be more important for him to change jobs right now or you? How can you support/push one another? Are there more tasks--including remembering things--he can take on or other things he can do so that you aren't carrying most of the weight?) Based on finances, it sounds like it might be more important for your husband to focus on job hunting right now (higher salary, more daycare). Is it reasonable for you to help him look/apply, perhaps putting your job hunting on hold (for you to have more time rather than less time). Sometimes it helps to map things out, write them down, when we're overwhelmed.

I get it about applying for jobs! I left a similar job situation to yours 6 months ago with an incompetent boob for a boss and the equally dim-witted board chair in her back pocket. First time I ever quit a job without having another one waiting. I know the effort and time of applying then getting zero response. I've also had virtual interviews that went nowhere, one 3-hour in-person interview and no follow up. But over the past two weeks, everything (finally) exploded and I received three offers. I'm telling you this to remind you that something will happen, but it sounds like you need to have other things in order so that a new job wouldn't create more feelings of being overwhelmed. 

You've got a lot on your plate and need a breather. I'm for planning. Talking and planning. And finding stress relief--counseling, exercising, meditating, etc.

Oh, hon, I'm so sorry you are in this state of mind. You are one of my favorite people here and I hate to see you so stressed. I know you said you have read lots of parenting books, have you tried "Love and Logic?" My sister followed the basic ideas with my niece, who was a bit headstrong, and it seemed to work. The basic premise is that all actions have consequences - either pleasant or not. In most instances, the child is given a choice in the matter, they can choose the behavior that will get them a negative or a positive consequence, but having the choice seems to help with the constant struggle for control between parent and child.

As for your DH, is he spending beyond your means? If so, that needs to stop until he chooses to get a better job. As you said, you are carrying your family financially, so the least he can do is to watch his spending.

I so relate to the concept of being responsible for everything! Even if your DH is helping with the actual chores and things that need to get done, it is exhausting being the one responsible for everything, even if you aren't doing each individual thing. Is there any way you can delegate the responsibility of one area of your life to him?

Several days a week you are basically doing two jobs at once, your work and childcare - that has to be exhausting. Any way you could hire a local teen to help a little bit in the afternoons? Even one day a week would probably be helpful.

It sounds like you are completely overwhelmed at the moment. Please try and find a bit of time somewhere for just yourself.

sending you positive vibes from california!

As for the terrible 2s, too bad that cattle prods are not approved for use on ranting toddlers.

The ranting little ankle biting carpet Nazis can be a hand full for sure.

For us, it was people asking ff our kid was okay and if something was wrong with him. He was disturbingly mellow. The one shot to the butt incident not withstanding. 

Hang it there mom and dad.  It does fade eventually. 

I’m sorry you are dealing with all of this.  My niece was very much this way, super sassy and trying to punish her did no good.  Fast forward to today and my niece is a fiercely independent young woman who will be attending a state university working towards a law degree.  So, while it’s hard now these kids can grow up to be expectational people. 

Not sure on the DH front, is he helping to lighten your mental load, or does he wait around for you to tell him what to do?  It’s all to easy for woman to burnout now a days because they carry everything, and men’s ideology is that they work…that’s it.

As for the money issues I get it, DH and I both make decent salaries between us, and we still live paycheck to paycheck.  We don’t live outlandishly or beyond our means but with the rising cost of everything we are maxed out. 

As for BM/GF they will continue to be a bone of contention until such time as SS ages out and I know that’s hard.  All you can do it lighten that load and leave it all up to DH.

Just chiming in here a bit late. That sounds like an awful lot you are having to deal with all at once! Toddlers alone are a lot of work. I had 3 kids in 1.5 years lol. My son was so much work as a toddler. I laugh now thinking back but it was just so much. For a whole year. Kicking doors, running away, trying to get him to walk to daycare and him kicking his shoes off his feet and getting limpy knees when walking. The one thing though is that he grew out of it. It was bad but we got through it. I just tried to keep him busy,... Wear him out.. It was tiring. 

Is there anyway you can encourage your husband to apply to those other jobs, see if changes can be made... I get it. I have a husband who is very stuck in his role too. In our case he feels a loyalty to his work and its a bit frustrating for me because I know that other similar companies offer at least a few dollars more per hour etc. I keep encouraging him to at least keep his mind open... 

But in your situation things aren't working well for your household. I think that you have too much going on that it's causing exhaustion and it would be great if your husband could alleviate any of that... So that he helps and takes on more to make a more even distribution. Cause it's easy to say oh things are fine but you seem to be doing more work. 

If he was making more then maybe you could have more money for an extra day of daycare to help with things 

One thing.. When she's school age at least daycare is a bit easier cause she'll be in school for part of the time. It does get a bit easier then. I feel like it's the hardest before they are school age for having care

We must be working for the same sociopathic employer/managers lol .... ughhhh..... I'm a fan of keeping a side hustle/gig/income because these employers know you heavily depend on them will treat you any kind of way

Have a serious conversation with your husband and see what he's willing to do to help out more. 
 

Don't feel bad about the parenting we've all be there where these kids tested the limits and we blew up. I know I have. Let family, friends, people you trust help you with the kid. We had a drop in day care where I had zero shame dropping little Lilly jr off (she loved entertaining herself with other new kids) to get some needed adult time to regroup to tackle parenting. 

feel like majority of our life would be so good if we never had to deal with BM/GF and SS, but steplife rewrote my brain and it has stolen so many moments and experiences from me. The trauma from step life has completely warped my views on parenting, family, love, etc. 
 

I feel ya on that. 
 

I still carry resentment (which I have to let go of) about the Disneyland dad I used to deal with letting his conniving beastly breeder and domestic t3rrorist ferals encroach numerous boundaries in our home causing destruction of our relationship 

I feel guilty thinking about how much better things would have been between us without their interference and how much I hated him for acting clueless about how their behavior impacted our home in a negative way

Anyways if I could give words of advice I'd say acknowledge your feels whilst also doing what you can to appreciate the good things that are going well.